Crying 😭

I've just finished my last chemo on Tuesday. Yay!!! Ended up having 9 instead of the 6 first said. It's been difficult but I don't have to tell you guys. What I wondered is when does the crying and anxiety stop?? I'm not crying for the fear of cancer returning it's more crying for the old life I've lost and don't know how to get back. I have nothing to do all day but rest and watch tv. It's horrible. I just don't know how to find my love for life again. Does it wear off with the chemo side effects?

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  • I am just starting my journey first treatment Wed taxol/carbo sending you hugs it's a hard journey as I have been reading on this site a lot of amasing people that give me lots of hope xxx

  • Good luck with it all. I hope the chemo is kind to you. Take care and rest when you need to. Xx

  • Good luck with chemo for me it was not as bad as I expected ... Once you have one treatment under your belt you will know what to expect and it will be less scary ... All the best with your treatment 😍

  • I have no words that I can say because I feel the same .... I had my last chemo 2 weeks ago and if I look too deep into myself this is what I would do cry for what I've lost.... However I want to stay positive do I try not to drive too deep into the dark thought and look externally to what I have in life to look forward too... Life is worth living that is what we have fought and still we are fighting for... Would it help to keep a journal??? Writing things down gets the sadness out for me I leave it on the page and then I can get in with my day.... Some days it's like Groundhog Day I watch to and rest how boring lol... As each day passes I strive to get better from what I've had to do to my body to kill the darstedly beast that us OC .... I guess the journey is going to be longer than anticipated as i still have no energy but I remain hopeful .... I have life I have a family and I have love.... The rest of the me that I was before OC is still there in my head I will get her back... We just have to be patient and take the little victories that we achieve such as changing the bedding even if I have to lay on it after lol... I think we are all so hard on ourselves and forget to give ourselves the credit for how strong we have being to get through the gruelling treatment... We should be kinder but we are strong and expect nothing but strength... It's ok not to be strong all of the time ... We can cry and be sad but we should be joyful too ... We are the Warriors that have fought and are still here to share the love and support to all the real ladies that are in this fight with us.... Sending big hugs and as they say here in Yorkshire ... Chin up lass... Let's face the world together 😍

  • Thank you for your words of inspiration. I'm just having a sad day I suppose. I know I need to grab life and I do most of the time, but some days it just gets to me. I'm not far from Yorkshire in nittinghamshire so fully understand chin up lass. Something my mum would of said.

  • My lowest times were straight after the end of chemo. Safety blankets removed and what next. After about three weeks I started to feel better. I'm no where near up to speed over 2 months on but don't feel that burden of fatigue. I still have very dark days. I cried on holiday as I didn't have the energy to pull a wet swimming costume off. Pathetic eh? You will get that love back as long as we accept we are different. I'm routing for you Mandy. It upsets me that you are low. Thank you for your kind words the other day. You have been there for me. You will soon be Manic Mandy. ❤

  • Thanks Tracey, I like the sound of manic mandy!!!!!

  • I no the feeling last year when finished chemo i cud'-nt stop crying the feeling i got was i felt safe and protected from cancer while having chemo then at the end i felt very un-sure and scared.just wanted to be my old self again...but im on a reccurrance waiting to do cycle 5 so i guess wen ive done again i will get all those feelings again.. uve done great just be proud of yourself and live life sending u hugs xxxx

  • Sending hugs back to you. Xx

  • You have to grieve for what you have lost, and you have been through trauma - all very understandable. There are so many stages in the process, and you're now at a new stage. To move forward, I'd ease into giving yourself some treat each day - just a small thing. And go out and look at the autumn colours. Exercise is great even if it's just 5 minutes. The anxiety etc does ease - at the moment I say at the end of each day 'well, that was another day when nothing terrible happened', and that has built up my confidence. And I also think - someone gave me back my life, so I'd better get on with it! Wishing you all the best in your recovery - be kind to yourself.

  • Thanks for your reply, just feel really rubbish today and don't quite know how to deal with it. My head is saying get out and go for a walk and maybe go to Asda do a bit of food shopping and my mind is saying it's too much u don't have the energy. I've just had a shower and trying to dry my little bit of hair was enough. I have a mahoosive cold sore which isn't helping either. Just feel so run down. Checked and temperature is ok. Just want to shake the horrible feeling off. I want to be more positive rather than doom and gloom. X

  • Hi Millie, it's all very normal. I find the anxiety is the worse part of it, it feels as if I have the devil chasing me all the time. The chemo does more than kill cancer cells it effects the way we feel about are selves.

    I had my 10th chemo Wednesday all I wanted to do was stay in bed on Thursday & cry but Instead I got up & went to a hospice to see what help they could offer me. I was in dreadful pain & felt deeply low but I did it!!

    Please don't feel bad about staying in watching t.v & resting, instead see this as healing time I stay in lots. if I find my self getting low I read stories on here, it does help.

    Take care of yourself big hugs Cindyxx

  • Thanks cindy, how many more chemo do you have?? R u having them weekly? Hope they being kind to you. It's horrible what we have to go through. Lots of inspirational women on here. I thank that I found this site. It really has helped me.

  • Hi Millie, no not weekly. I had 6 last year, every 3 weeks have another 2 chemo's to go & already have had 18 maintenace treatments.

    You are right Millie it's a horrible thing to go through but if we can get into remission then we have achieved our goal & staying there is are next. Then living life to to the full is the next step.

    I have heard if you have chemo weekly its more tolerable on the body you don't suffer with so many side effects.

    Keep in there love Cindyxx

  • Good luck with the last two chemo. You sound a truly amazing lady. Xx

  • I'm about to have my last chemo of this (my first) series, if platelet count goes up that is. I'm hoping you find it easier as the days and weeks go by. For me I love to go outside for a boost - see the autumn leaves, take my dog out, enjoy the air, even if I have to sit down a lot along the way. I'm sure you will find the thing that makes your day..... And I agree with those who say don't be hard on yourself. You have achieved a great thing to get through to where you are. Good on you!

    Netti

  • Thanks Nettie,

    I can't wait till I have the energy to take the dogs for a really long walk. I just used to love putting on my wellies and taking them into the forest. It's quite calming. I have a route I do in the woods and managed to walk it with my family before this chemo. I was so proud of myself. I guess I'm inpatient when my body wants to rest. Each chemo its felt like I'm not gonna get any energy back, but it does come. I've done so much while on treatment I forget. Just hate sitting about all day. I hope your last chemo goes ahead. I struggled with platelets and had 3 blood transfusions along the way as well as two with my surgery. It's amazing how they manage to get back up on their own. Fingers crossed it goes ahead soon so you can get finished. Are you having avastin afterwards?? I have had 3 with my chemo so have 15 left. If you get the chance I believe from the ladies on here it's definitely worth taking the opportunity. Wishing you well.

    Mandy,xx

  • Mandy yes I'm on the Avastin. I expect to continue with it to get the 18 doses. I wish you well too and hope you're in the woods soon.

    Netti x

  • Wish you well too netti, xx

  • Hi Millie. You will find your love of life again once you regain your strength of that Im certain, I know I did. Since My diagnosis Ive welcomed three grandchildren, been on several holidays, weekends away, days out, continued to work fulltime, got married in Las Vegas, seen my son go to uni (hes in his last year), bought a puppy (hes now 9), bought a new house, basically lived my life as if this hasnt happened. Yes I lost my beloved dad, the man I loved and admired most in my life but I did as he and my late mum (who I lost 18 months before my diagnosis) asked, I have lived my life to the full. Yes its still there in the background lurking and yes I have had my fair share of down days and yes I have had counselling at one time when I was dealing with the thought of losing my Dad, but im alive and im blowed if Im gonna reach the end of this journey regretting spending time worrying. You will get stronger it just takes time. I hope the tears dry and you can look out the window, see the changing season, embrace the sun on you face, see the beauty around you and give thanks that you are alive. Goodness that sounds 'preachy' and I dont mean it to be lol I just think thats how Ive got through the last 9 years, heres to tomorrow..... I hope you feel better soon, Kathy xxx

  • Thanks Kathy, I managed to go out to Asda and then visited my mother and father in law for a cuppa. Didn't think I could do it but thought sod it. I'm happy while I have things to do so been much better this afternoon. I even warmed up some soup and cut some crusty bread for tea. Not much I know but made a change for my partner. You ladies on here remind me that things will get better. You are so amazing. Xx

  • It will get better. When I was going through my 'dark days' I dont think Id have believed it but it does. The frustration and boredom of not being able to do what you used to doesnt help but as you regain your strength things will begin to look brighter xx. so glad you had a better day.

  • Thanks Kathy, xx

  • You never fail to inspire me Kathy and no doubt many others. I am trying to live the life you are too. It is tough at times but reading posts like this motivate us to get up and carry on regardless. I too refuse to let cancer steal my happiness hence why still have not managed to give up on the chocolate and cakes lol

    You are amazing xo

  • Hi Julie. I hope you are doing well. Apparently I keep going because Im stubborn lol, well according to the people in work. Im full of cold today and sound dreadful but dragged myself into work. Everyone said 'why are you here, you are so stubborn!' I said 'well you cant just give in! lol. I did give in about 3 and came home and went straight to bed lol. Like you I refuse to let Cancer steal anymore happiness than it has already. We took my grandchildren to Disneyland Paris in the summer and had an amazing few days. My daughter asked my eldest grandson (hes 7) what was the best part of the trip he said 'nana being here' , cant disappoint him can I so I keep fighting on :). There are so many inspirational ladies on this site, like Annie was, I dont consider myself one, just someone trying to hang on. I hope you have a good weekend. Kathy xx

  • Hi Millie

    Well done with getting out to Asda, seeing people and enjoying your crusty bread! All these things really help! And you found you could do it! That's great!

    I'm on weekly chemo. My 8th session tomorrow and so far side effects aren't too bad. Main one is fatigue and I find myself falling asleep reading a book or watching TV but at other times my energy is good and I try to find the times of day that work best for me and make the most of those. Usually mornings and afternoons. Seeing friends as much as I can, going for a walk every day, even if a short one, writing, artwork, cooking, or simply looking at the sky. I tend to wake up early and marvel at the sun rise! So beautiful and I treasure these moments. Being in the now is really key for me. I hope today is good for you. Sending hope, strength and enthusiasm!

    Mary xx

  • Hi Mary, I hope the chemo continues to be not too bad for you. Thanks for your reply. Xx

  • Millie-C, Chemo messes with your brain!!!!! It's poison, remember!!! Try to put one foot in front of each other and walk to an outside door and open it. Smell the fresh air. Stand there for a moment. Then go back inside your house and put your most comfortable clothes on and wash your face with cold water. Go back to the front door, step out and close it behind you. Take a short walk choosing a route where you probably won't run into people you know. Do this every day. When you get back home, have a cup of tea. Don't punish yourself for needing time to reclaim your life. You will. You can do this. Love to you, Tesla. PS, it's OK to cry while you walk, but you probably won't need to.

  • Went a walk to the postbox. I'm fine while I'm doing something. Thanks for the advice. Xx

  • Hi Millie. I can so relate to this. I had my last chemo a week ago and am now on Avast in until next August. I have had to give up work and feel that my days are filled with drifting aimlessly and wearily waiting for enough energy to get dressed!

    The ladies on here say that things do get better and I hang on to this. My main fear is that I reoccur and need to go back on chemo within a year or so, as I really don't want to live the rest of my life in this half awake limbo. That is what worries me, perhaps this is how it will be for me now!

    Jenny

  • Hi Jenny, it's so difficult isn't it. It's like I'm waiting for something to lift from me so I can get on with my life, a door in the way that's closed and I can't open it. It's complete anger and frustration of the situation. I'm laid on the bed now thinking what possibly can I do all day when I have nothing to do?? Horrible feeling. I'm on avastin until August. I'm hoping the side effects of avastin only aren't too bad. Good luck with your treatment too, let's hope the clouds clear soon and we can resume with a good quality life.

  • Hi Millie, It looks like we are both at the same stage with our treatment and somehow it cheers me to know that you and I will be going along together. (don't know why, but it means I shall follow your posts and relate closely to them I suppose)

    Like you I am hoping that the avastin will be an easier regime, though I have researched the side effects and apparently it still hits the red and white blood cells. Also I seem to have ulcers now, which is a new one for me! However, from looking through posts, some ladies say that avastin has left them pretty unscathed, so fingers crossed for both of us. X

  • I've got a mahoosive cold sore and three spots in between my eyes at the top of my nose. I look horrendous. I didn't think I was vain until I lost my hair. It was ok while I was bald but now it's about an inch in length and I look like I've stuck my fingers in the socket most of the time. Oh the joys. I have a burnt nose too when I breath up it. I think this is from the avastin either that or I have the onset of a cold. I hope it doesn't get any worse than this.

    I will look forward to your posts, I actually thought when u wrote you were at the same stage as me and I would follow you. It's good to talk and get things answered on here. I don't know where I would be without it.

  • Yes!

    I am now nine weeks post chemo. At my last meeting with the consultant she said there is no sign of cancer on my CT scan, so I'm now planning my next years holidays.

    I managed a local walk, which took me 40 minutes pre-diagnosis, in 50 minutes with two short stops, yesterday. and tomorrow we're off for two nights away so I can visit my aunt.

    I'm designing quilts again and thinking about dressmaking too.

    You won't get your old life back completely, you may never be as carefree as you were but it does get better.

    Diane

  • Thanks dianne,

    Before diagnosis I was in a bit of a quandary about what I wanted to do with my life, so I enrolled at college to train to be an accountant. I finished in January this year and didn't have the energy to go back in September. I need a hobby desperately. Teaching has always been a passion of mine but couldn't quite imagine working at the mo. I can't wait for it to get better. When I'm typing on here my anxiety wanes so I know it's about keeping busy, just need the energy to do things. Glad you are NED and getting your life back. Take care., x

  • Thanks for the advice tesla. I will certainly wrap up warm today and get out for a walk. I do enjoy it. Xx

  • Hi Millie, I think it is necessary and normal to cry for what we have lost before being able to start adjusting to what will become our new normal. Grieving for the person we were takes time and cannot be rushed. We need to take care of ourselves and be kind to ourselves in light of all we have gone through.

    Many of us get a diagnosis of OC when we are feeling fit and well so it is a huge shock to find ourselves on the cancer conveyor belt without warning or preparation for the new journey we are starting. For several months we have tests, results, surgery, chemo and other treatment then suddenly it all stops. At this point we are often exhausted from these experiences and need time to recover from all that has happened. My oncologist told me every body system has been assaulted by the most powerful poisons known to medicine so it is no wonder it takes so long to recover after treatment ends.

    In today's world we all expect things to happen instantly and become impatient and frustrated when they don't. Recovering from the physical effects of cancer treatment is a gradual process and we also have to cope with the psychological and emotional effects too. No wonder we feel fatigued and lacking in energy with all that to contend with!

    However, the good news is that things do improve over time as many others on this forum have experienced and I have found to be true in my personal situation.

    So you hang in there Millie and things really will get better but be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Suddenly you will realise you are doing more without even realising it and your recovery is going well.

    I do wish you all the best for your continuing journey,

    Barbara

  • I think my brain is stopping me taking control at the moment. I'm looking to go out for a while tomorrow and see if that helps any. Thanks for your reply and good to hear you are doing well. ,xx

  • Sorry you're still feeling low. I found my life came back slowly. I started volunteering in a children's hospice charity shop, did some U3A courses, went for walks the friend of a friend was organising through Facebook. I made some new friends and go for coffee and a walk with them and with old friends. I went back to some of the groups I was in before but only the local ones -a local community cohesion group and a political one. Of you look around there will be thongs you can do. I miss meeting people at work every workday and also just feeling useful. That's what matters to me, getting out, meeting people and feeling useful. You may have some or none of those needs but if you decide what matters to you there will be ways you can meet those needs though it does sometimes take time to build a new life and to have the energy to do stuff xxx

  • I'm impatient about it. I know I can do more things but a brick wall is in the way. I hate feeling like this and just don't know how to sort it. I'm hoping time will be a healer like all you lovely women have said. Xx

  • I just wanted to send you a massive ((hug)) and hope that you're having a more positive day today xx

  • Thanks so much, I've rang the hospice today and they gonna get me some complementary therapy and maybe a mindfulness course. Hope you are doing well. Xx

  • Hi Millie. I have a hospice quite near me but didn't realises that I could access them if I wasn't terminal. Do they all offer services to outpatients do you know, and did you just ring them on the off chance,or were you refered?

    Jenny

  • I was referred by my gp. I've not really used them yet but have heard great things about the service. Most of all they know so much about cancer care. They have offered me a massage but I've had to wait for my chemo to finish before I can have it.

    It's worth a phone call to your GP to see what services they offer.

    Hope you doing ok.

    Mandy,xx

  • Any problem contact your local Red Cross as they do a lot of this.

  • That sounds like a great idea hun :) Treat yourself. I'm doing well thanks xx

  • I myself felt rough at first and was anxious at first but you find it will get better and try new things I go to the big c which gets me out you have times where your anxious for doctor appointments,scan results etc but it's normal set small things you like to do even it for coffee or tea out small shopping trip but don't beat your self up its early days yet hugs to you

  • Thanks bobby,

    It's so difficult to cope. I'm praying for better days. Xx

  • Dear Millie

    I read your post today while on my fourth cycle for recurrence . Two more to go. I couldn't reply as patients relative was too near me. I am a bit more fragile now but I can recall my emotions of 5 years ago. It is only natural to feel cut away from the support system of the chemo ward and I think nearly everyone will have felt that . To make up for that I joined a support group and learned mindfulness and tai chi. I wrote in my journal every day and it seemed to banish the negative feelings. Now just telling you all that reminds me to take my own advice. I read the wonderful replies from the other women and without knowing it they are also helping me. I almost forgot to say the talking to a counsellor really helped. You will be able to get back your positivity. The very best of luck .

    XXX

  • Hi Molly,

    You doing really well, 4 down. That's great news. I rang the local hospice today and they gonna get someone to call me back regarding complementary therapy and a mindfulness course. I'm anxious I won't make every appt which Is why I haven't done it before. I have to try though. I just want a magic wand on my Christmas list. X

  • I am glad you are going to try mindfulness Millie. I really did find it do helpful.

  • Sorry Millie. Went too soon. Don't worry about missing sessions. If you practice it you probably won't miss any as you will be living in the moment and not looking too far back or forward. Everyone should try to live like that and not just Cancer patients . I just need to revisit everything again and practice what I preach. The recurrence knocked everything out of my head so I will be trying to get my positivity back. I really wish you all the best and for you to know that you will smile again . Take care

    XXX

  • I had my last chemotherapy 7 weeks ago and I've have only stop crying and feeling anixtey, it does get better hang in there each day you will get stronger and look forward to a normal life. I will be going on a program in two weeks at my local charity cancer centre to help me more to get back to normal life, my doctor has put me on it, don't know if your doctor can help you and if you could go on one, plus I'm am back at work it has been hard getting my confidence back feeling a lot better just had a nice weekend away in Milan and that has helped me a lot, make sure you rest and I hope you will feel better soon take care

    Tess66

    Xxxx

  • Mandy your story is very similar to mine but I was diagnosed in 2014 with stage 4 so reminding you of this will will hopefully inspire you a little.

    You can see from all your replies that it is totally normal to feel like this particularly at this point in your journey. I remember being Mrs Positive and smiling most of the time for almost 9 months whilst going through chemo and surgery then at my end of treatment appointment my Onc took one look at me and asked was I really ok as he had never seen me like that. I just broke down and went into meltdown. I explained how low I had been feeling from my treatment stopped. He said it was bang on schedule lol Apparently this is the most vunerable time for women going through this and completely normal. He said he had looked after me physcially and now it was time to look after my mental wellbeing. I would have hugged him only he would have dropped to the floor in shock !

    Keep coming on here and using the support, you will always get words of wisdom or even just someone else going through an equally crappy time as you that will gladly take comfort and give some back. We don't wish our problems on anyone else or want them to be miserable but it is always reassuring that there is someone out there feeling the same. Makes it feel normal and sure what is normal nowadays for us all.

    Be really kind to yourself and Kathy offers wise words above. Just live your life to the full and rest when you have to. I am now classing myself as retired at 42 rather than terminally ill so spending time with my family and friends, holidays and making precious memories is what I focus on. I am still not going to buy a Porsche though because there is a BIG chance I will here in 10 years and skint. My friend done that in a moment of recklessness after being told he was dying and is still here 15 years later and could not afford the petrol for the car and is now back to work. We still all have such a laugh about this story and it also inspires me that miracles do happen.

    Sending love, hugs and prayers xo

  • Hi there,

    Sorry you are in this place just now, but I can say that yes, it WILL change. The biggest part of what you are feeling is loss. And grief. This will move you through different phases but just now you are dealing with one of those phases. This will pass I promise. There are things that you can do that can really help move you forward. Some coaching might help this and goal setting. Small goals and small steps. Planning things that you can do and achieve. Make a list of the things that make you happy and try and fill your day with these. A hug with a dog or cat, a meditation, a small walk in a wood or park, seeing a friend that is warm and loving.. Etc. Try and REALLY focus on these and plan them into your day. These will help I promise. There are things you can do too, to help with the physical and mental trauma, tools and techniques and I can help you if you like. Just email me if you would like some help?

    Lots of love to you. Nicky