Is This Real?

Had the most surreal feeling last night.I was walking out to my kitchen when suddenly I thought,this can't be real! I look normal,I feel normal enough and yet I'm advanced stage 4 O.C with a poor prognosis.It didn't seem to make sense! I looked around the kitchen and just thought I'm going to miss everything,my life ,my family,my home,I cried my eyes out( in silence).Then I wiped the tears away,and tried to get back into reality,but is this reality? Do any of you get surreal moments like this? X

31 Replies

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  • Hi Annie

    I know exactly how you feel. I also have moments when it seems unreal to have this awful disease and yet still look and feel "normal". I will also admit to having a few tears at times (but always when I'm on my own) as the reality hits home that there is something going on in there!

    I then try and get the " sensible brain" back in gear and try and refocus on living life for today. As they say,"where's there's life there's hope" and I think all of us in this boat intend to fight to the bitter end.

    Allow yourself to deal with your emotions in your own way. Its surprising how good we get at adapting to different situations. I wish you all the best as you continue your personal fight.

    Ali x

  • While I am a fighter and do not give in easily I am a member of Dignity in Dying and, if the pain becomes so bad that the only way to alleviate it is to keep me out of my tree on Morphine or I have some of the more disgusting side effects of OC then I will merely be existing and I will want to call my children and gradndchildren to say goodbye and go with dignity!

  • Sorry this was a reply to a comment not you Annie! What is a solution for me is not for others!

  • When I feel like this, and I do, I remind myself that I will feel mothing when I am gone and should not waste the time I have left on regrets! Vive Piaf!

  • PS it will be 6 years since diagnosis in Sept and I am 75 at the end of this month!

  • I'm a dignity in dying member too and believe that the Bill that allows us to end our lives here peacefully without resorting to hoarding medicines ior implicating family members should become law. I don't want to spend money going to Switzerland - I want to spend it on holidays now :-)

  • Hi Annie,

    Most definitely the answer is yes! It has been more so since the chemo finished last November and I try to get on with everyday life looking normal-ish but feeling (emotionally) anything but. I had one of those moments this morning, I was collecting my daughter's car from its Mot at the garage where we bought it 2 years ago. For a nano second I almost felt myself back in that moment - 1 year before my diagnosis - happy and carefree helping my daughter choose her first car.

    It seemed almost unreal that everything could be so different just 2 years on.

    I know we all try to stay in the present and keep as upbeat as we can for our families but at times I do think we have to have a cry let the emotions out. It sounds like you had a huge shock at diagnosis as so many of us do with OC, there's no getting away from it, it's rubbish, but many women on this site have lived with it for years so hold on to hope.

    By the way I think you look great in your photo!

    Love

    Madeline x

  • Hi Annie yes it's a common feeling I find 18 month since diagnosis stage four advanced I can go a few weeks without thinking about it then something as simple as my eldest grandson leaving school this term as me wondering if I'll be around in three years for my twin granddaughters leaving I remember when they left junior school sitting chatting about their senior proms and dresses they would like etc then the dreaded diagnosis but like the ladies have said having a good cry helps then on to the next day

    Days go to weeks then weeks to months I never thought for one minute I would get through to 18 months but my dad who sadly passed away a few years ago with cancer used to say every day another bonus day and that's how I try to think now as worrying over the future will make you feel worse just try take a day at a time x sending you hugs

  • All the time. It's on my mind all the time. I try to take it day by day and some days are better than others. People see me and think I'm all better because I'm in remission. I have ppc and as far as I know it is incurable. It's a heavy load to bear. I have family close by but I live alone. Too much time to think sometimes.

  • Thank all of you for replies.God!, it is difficult sometimes but at least there's a place we can go where everybody knows the real emotions which sometimes lay dormant like the cancer itself.This site is that safe place for me because you wonderful women understand the language and emotions of O.C.x x

  • So understand where you are coming from annieH, I too can't take on board what's going on inside. I feel great, look 'normal' and to an unitiated person they wouldn't be able to tell.

    Don't get me wrong I'm glad I look and feel well ( rather than the opposite that I know some people feel etc) but it just seems to give you a false perspective. I too have my shock moments ( in private ) then get on with things again.

    Don't think I've actually put in words exactly what I mean, but yeah I've been in your shoes!

    Dawn

  • Hi Annie, after treatment a few years ago, I said to gp, I want to go back to normal post treatment, and he replied what is normal, nobody knows what normal is because its different for everyone. I was told in 2010 prognosis wasnt great and I am here still, and that was from the chief himself but I have surprised him with my response to treatment. I think we all have a melt down now and again and the idea is to live in the now, enjoy your family, friends walk in the fresh air listen to the birds etc. I wish I could tell you everything will be okay but I cant. But if you find the emotions are strong and lasting do pay a visit or Arc Cancer Support house in Cork, they are absolutely brilliant in showing you how to think differently about things. They are also totally confidential. Yes I am typing away here had my Avastin this morning stopped on the way home to do a few things in the shopping centre. Then I had another errand to run this afternoon. I suppose keeping busy stops me from thinking too much. When I need direction, I am on the phone to Arc House. Also feel free to message any of us here on this site and those of us living in the area would only be to happy to meet up with you if you wanted that. Hope you had a better day today

  • I might take you up on that offer someday Suzuki ;-).I had "Old Hens Night" last night and I had the best Craic since diagnosis.We didn't go out rampaging around the town as we're too old for that ;-) ha ha,we had it in my house so not far to go when we needed to fall into bed.Hoping to go to the Mallow flower show tomorrow,forecast is good.x

  • Well I took myself and hubby off for the weekend to Kenmare. Booked it Friday night feeling not great. I had Avastin Thurs and then hubby had cold then I got it, So we ended up in Kenmare coughing and sneezing in a bitterly cold wind. They offered us a tiny room so I came back to reception and asked for another seeing that we were staying two nights. We got a nicer room food was good and they never stop cleaning the place there. So it was a nice break. I think we just have to enjoy each day and make the most of it. I am glad you had a good night, we all need those now and again. Yes anytime you are coming to Cork and are able to meet up just message me. I could meet you somewhere across from the Clinic.

  • Hello Annie. My Mum was diagnosed with 3c in Dec 13. She went through all the chemo and debulking in 2014. Oct - 'cancer cell count back to normal'. Jan - recurrence confirmed. :-( The bottom dropped out of Mum's world. She's on 2nd line Caelyx and has had her 4th one which was delayed due to sore hands and is now 20% less in strength. She isn't doing bad at all. She says she has surreal moments. She has an afternoon nap and she says she sometimes wakes up with a start and everything suddenly hits her. She is over 200 miles away and I go down to see her every month. I worry that I might see a deterioration in her but every time I can't believe how OK she looks. We managed to get out and about to garden centres and lakes last time I was down and I found it hard to believe Mum has cancer. But there are so many positive stories on Ovacome that make me feel very positive for Mum. I really appreciate every moment with her. At the end of 2013 I was so numb when she told me the news and I just didn't know how long she was going to be around but we've had so much precious time together since then, for which I'm so grateful. She has always had a very positive attitude, once she's picked herself up(!) and I think that really helps. Well best wishes to everyone and keep fighting. Jane X

  • Yes all the time ! I am a stage 4 and i know there is a small percentage who last a long time defying predictions . But coming back to your point , get as much out of each day as possible . Normal looks and feel can detoriate quickly with stage 4 ...

    best regards

  • I feel like that often. Recently on holiday when I was doing strenuous walks in beautiful limestone scenery knowing I may never go back there; knowing that the tumours are growing and are coming back in more places than before and that I'll be back on chemo soon.

  • Hi Annie,answer to your question is Yes "All the time" It is surreal to feel so well, yet have a terminal diagnosis. Unfortunately the health experts bunch us all together, when In fact each cancer is very individual to us all as are the vastly different reactions we all have to chemo.

    I feel great at the moment and try to forget, not easy I know so try to keep occupied

    Cancer is so widespread in our country now, practically at epedemic numbers, but we as individuals have to do all we can to sustain our health and immune system to give our bodies a better chance of fighting, by adopting a good eating regime, lots of excercise and minimising stress levels.

    Jackie O xx

  • Absolutely. I've felt like that many a time Annie. It's a bit painful to step out of the moment so I just try to keep my head down and concentrate on what I have now and think to myself how good that is.

    Sending love and hugs. xxx Annie

  • Dear Annie, what can I say - YES - most days I feel 'normal, then I get a twinge and think 'oh no not again' feel a bit miserable, sometimes weepy, then pull myself together and carry on. I have always been quite a fit person and done all the right things - no smoking, not much drinking plenty of fresh food and exercise and then BANG cancer is there! I have just seen the oncologist to find out that cancer is on the move again after having had three loads of chemotherapy all of which were unsuccessful!! So this time hormone therapy is the treatment - fingers crossed. Keep your chin up - breathe in the good and blow out the bad - and enjoy life. Best wishes Pat

  • Thank you for all your replies.Im feeling a bit better today,trying hard to go back to positive thinking.I guess I know what the major problem is.Hubby and I are renewing our vows next week.It was something to plan and aim for but,the stress is getting to me now,everyone is offering to help but I need things done the way I want it so doing it myself.I now know I took on too much and was hoping to leave cancer out of the arrangements so,to look normal but know I'm not as normal as I was, is a clanger indeed.I think in future I'll just aim for a day out somewhere,it's easier to cope with.Hoping your all having a good day and enjoying it as best you can.hugs to all for your support.xxx

  • Hi Annie, what a lovely idea to renew your vows. Hope you thoroughly enjoy your day and it's all you have planned and worked towards ( and the some!)

    Dawn x

  • A BIG YES..Not saying anything else about it other than it is normal.

    Love and Hugs Patx

  • I felt like that too. The strangest feeling used to wash over me and I'd think this is it, I may not be here soon, how will everyone cope without me. Some very odd emotions too like I was falling into something and couldn't stop.

    It's two and half years since my last operation, and I still get these unreal moments. Everyday is a new day and who knows what it will bring whether healthy or unwell.

    Enjoy today.

    LA xx

  • Hi AnnieH. I have only just read all the posts this evening. It is such a wonderful positive event to look forward to and I wish you such a happy day. Of course any big day brings the stress of organising it. You are probably one of these people who is highly organised which is in fact the total opposite to me . I would welcome friends and family to do everything but they think I look so well that it's no problem to me. I even organised my own big birthday recently but they did spring some surprises .

    I am so glad you are back in your positive mode and I think Suzuki and most others said it all . As Lily Anne said every day is a new day and we must all live in the moment. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift and that's why they call it the present. I do have to say though that a few replies have left me very upset and stressed and I have considered all evening whether to remain on the site. I have found the contact with other women for the past few months so uplifting and today is the first time I have felt a negative vibe creeping in. I am sorry if this upsets anyone and most of all you AnnieH as your posts are always so positive and inspiring and they still are. Keep smiling

  • Hi MollyO,positivity definitely back today.Had "Old Hens Party" last night.I was thinking ,I'm not going to be able for this,but by God I'll give it a try.Stayed up until 3a.m with friends,chatting,dancing,laughing and singing.It was the best night. I've had since my diagnosis and I was able for it,I actually outlasted a few friends ha ha.We did David Essex proud!

  • P.s MollyO ,stay on forum!

  • Hi AnnieH . I am so happy that you had such a wonderful night. That is what it is all about . Living life to the full. Your joy is contagious. Roll on your big day. If the hen party is anything to go by it should be fantastic. We can all do our best to banish the black clouds by remembering the special moments in our lives.xxx

  • Yes ! Its normal ! It all bubbled up inside me last week sitting on the platform at London Bridge - my poor hubby Andy didnt know what to do with me - I got in such a state tears and snot every where then he said ' your scaring the pigeons' and I stopped instantly and started to laugh !!!!!! I get these episodes about once a week - its like your in another world and whats gonna happen to everyone else ! I hate these moments but they happen and theres not a darn thing I can do about it ! So the answer is YES !!!!! Its normal ((((((((hugs))))))) xxxx

  • Hi Annie I feel as you do and it's with me every day but I try to plan things I want to do and it helps xxx

  • Molly O please dont leave this site, we all need to hear and listen to each other. We are all different and think differently and maybe that can be good too. Sometimes it is good to take a break from the stories and come back rejuvinated. But dont leave

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