Can anyone help me ?

Hi all my friends. is anyone out there the same as me and obsessed with the thought of dying? I hope this doesnt offend,but i cant go on no longer i am so afraid and not sleeping eating or doing much else. My thoughts are constantly on death. Has anyone ever survived o/c? Ive given up on my faith i feel so let down by God. Even stopped buying clothes etc. Pls help me u can i am desperate. No support groups here in RSA .Pls help Love Lynn XX

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  • Dear Lynn

    I do not know your age or circumstances but having read your previous posting, I see that you had your hysterectomy in August 2011 and had chemotherapy afterwards. Presumably you have finished the six rounds by now as you said in November that your CA125 had already dropped to 12 points, a very good sign.

    I speak from experience when I say that after finishing chemotherapy, many women feel "adrift". It is the impact of the chemotherapy treatment, the uncertainty about the future and the fear of the unknown. The shock of the diagnosis is immense. Many of the women here on Ovacome have felt very alone on this journey as it is difficult to share these feelings with someone who has not experienced OVCA. You must not be too hard on yourself, nor expect too much of yourself.

    Women can and do survive OVCA. You have struggled through the worst phase, a serious operation and rigorous treatment! Now, you must allow yourself time to come to terms with what has happened. It is not a process that can be rushed but it will happen and these raw feelings will settle. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

    In the meantime, I suggest that you return to your doctor and tell him how you feel. There is much support from the Ovacome forum as we understand how you feel but this does not replace face to face contact with someone who is better placed to help you in a more tangible way.

    If I can offer you any specific advice, I am more than happy but I hope that what I have said has helped you realise that many of us have walked in your shoes and time does heal, both body and mind.

    Best wishes

    Isabelle

  • Hi Lynn

    Isabelle gives you good advice, I hope you can be referred to someone who can help. Does your doctor have access to counsellors? If it's any help, I have survived for 9 years, and intend (if the fates allow it!) surviving for many years to come. I know how lucky I am and really appreciate even the small things in life after having had OC. However, I do have thoughts of dying and think a lot of us do. It's not only those of us who have had a brush with cancer, others of my friends have too. Not obsessive thoughts, but it's there all the same.

    I recently read an article about the regrets of the terminally ill and very old, who were near death, and the regrets all came under the heading of having wished they had had more fun and experiences with friends and family.

    One of my favourite films is The Shawshank Redemption and in it, (to paraphrase) one of the characters says something like "You're either busy living or you're busy dying" ..... worth a thought!

    Maybe by finding someone to talk to, either in person or on here, you will be able to put these fears into a cupboard at the back of your mind.

    Love, Wendy xx

  • Dear Lyn,

    I feel the same as you do now and I've found it helpful to have counselling and I also go to a local hospice for complementary therapies to help with my anxiety.

    We are all survivors

  • Hi Lynnrsa

    You are not alone in thinking about dying all the time. Anyone who has gone (or going through) a life threatening time has that fact very forceable thrust into their mind. Remember, you have to be alive to think about dying. I'm 65, don't have o.c. but lost my daughter to it 6 years ago. I became a ROCC for Ovacome 3 years ago and do as much as time allows to fund raise, talk to the media, pass on info and generally keep in touch with this site and women with the b........ thing., and think about dying every day!

    We just have to get it in proportion. Immerse yourself in something else whether family, friends, animals, charity work, t.v., crosswords,books etc.

    I don't have a faith, except in the essential goodness of people. Talking about your fears won't make them go away but you might hear that others feel the same. Take it one day at a time.

    Hope you get some consolation from talking to others here.

    Jennie

  • Dear Lynn

    I am so sorry to hear you feel so down. As others have said you ought to find someone to talk to. We are all here for you and I prayed for you last night. I am not a counsellor so I can only tell you how I feel. My cancer is advanced and its not a case of if I will die but when. Life seems so precious and wonderful and I feel blessed. So from my perspective I would urge you to do whatever you can to make sure you can appreciate your life and if you need to make changes to get on and do it. It is an amazing gift even if you don't feel able to appreciate it at the moment and I am sure you are living in a beautiful country. What I have just said isn't meant to stop you from sharing with us how you feel. Please do!

    I hope you can find a way of lifting the gloom. Let us know.

    Love Sarah

  • The article I mentioned on here is to be found if you google "inspiration and chi/regrets of the dying" . Sounds depressing, but it's not. It gives us ideas for what may well be important in life, although I suspect we have worked some of it out for ourselves on this site ;-)

  • Dear Lynn

    Everyone has given you so much good advice that I wholeheartedly agree with.

    I felt desperate after I finished treatment. I suddenly felt terribly alone with this crap disease and frightened about the future.I hadn't thought about having been diagnosed with cancer at all during all of it; the operation and chemotherapy, so suddenly it all hit me. It is a hell of a lot to come to terms with and face everything that you've already gone through. Emotionally and psychologically it is a huge life changing event and those effects are not to be underestimated.

    Do ring your Doctor or any of the helplines at Macmillan, Penny Brohn or Ovacome. They all understand and can help you try and come to terms with things until you get some counselling help. I got so down that I am still in therapy and my dear GP also encouraged me to finally have some anti depressants- he was right and they've definitely helped me.

    You say that you've given up your faith but maybe it hasn't given up on you? Try...

    The thing that did help me get through the last year or so was the lines from 'Footprints' where God tells me that during the most difficult times in my life, that was when he was carrying me. I do believe that he's carried me this far and is continuing to do so.

    Get some help, try and stay positive and let us all know how you get on. we're all here for you.

    Have a hug

    Eleni x

  • Wow girls your replies have really been tremendous and i thank you all so much! I think if i give some info on myself it will also benefit me. Im just turned 61. In May 2009 i was dx with Non Hodgkins lymphoma and was treated with chemo and radiation. I went into remission in Nov 2009 but my onc told me i have to wait 10 yrs before they can say im cured. I sailed thru menopause without any meds at all !! I have 3 kids 3 grandkids!

    The other thing is living in RSA is different to home. We do have a CANSA web site but we dont have the likes of the wonderful support groups and the absolutely marvellous Macmillan nurses. To be honest i dont even know if thers a hospice.

    My onc is very abrupt and stern! He scares me.But he helped me with the NHL so lets pray he can help me with my ovarian cancer too!

    My o/c was discovered during a routine 3 moth check up where i had a full body scan(to check the NHL) it showed a small tumour on the right ovary so i was sent to a gynae/ onc who immediately decided on a total abdominal hysterectomy. It was inn the omentum and the peritoneum too so he did de bulking and removed everything.

    I stated my chemo 5weeks post op and finished 2 weeks ago. I will get a full body scan next week (23rd) and then we,ll know if treatment worked. I still have niggly pains where the bad ovary was and thats from 6mths ago so thats worrying me too.

    I will let you know what the scan says we are lucky enough here to get results straight away well a few hours so please please girls say a little prayer for me that im in remission and even more so that the b ****** doesnt come back !! For now i hope you are all ok and doing well.

    Lots of love and (((((healing hugs))))) to you all ! You,re all great thanks

    Lynn

    XXXXXXXX

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