Still waiting, was bullied, but getting better. OCD.

[Vedm]

I have had OCD, I use to justify it to myself - more along the lines of mental contamination and I had to rid myself of things.

I could be in a conversation with someone and afterwards I would have negative thoughts and be like I wish I hadn't said that and I would almost forget the entire rest of the conversation, leading me to saying out loud, fuck off, go away, or I am going to kill myself, etc to those thoughts. Sometimes I would shake, seemingly almost uncontrollable for just once.

I would spin boxes around 7 times, cages 4, 7 or 8. Turning computers on could take several hours as I had to turn them on and off maybe 160 times. (I did it in groups of numbers.) Light switches would be turned on and off in my room 4 times, I would spend money on new clothes or items, even if the ones I had was already brand new, if I returned an item which I felt was contaminated back online, I could never order from them again for fear of contamination.

I used to live in 4 groups of cleanliness, and I would instantly go down to a lower group if I simply touched something from that group. I would have to wash religiously if I wanted to raise myself, 4 times just to go up one level, 4 showers, grouped each with a very set routine, same with washing the shower. It was nightmarish. I couldn't leave my town without having so many washes, then I had to leave the shower naked, in a shared house, to get back to my room - without touching anything - so I could pick up clothes from that box, but if they touched the floor or something from a lower group, they had to be thrown.

I'm not sure why I went into so much detail.

I eventually snapped and wrote out a self therapy because I wanted to end my life again - I had ignored my common sense and went out and bought pills and booze, had an accessment over the phone a month later. An hour and a half later they told me I would have therapy, I'm still waiting almost 6 months later.

I rang up my doctor in a down moment and he agreed to put me on Prozac for the OCD. I'm on 20mg, I left my job and with the combination of both I have been working through it on my own, with standard regular appointments with my GP. I'm about 40 - 60% better than I was. A lot have gone but I am still obsessed with some things, I'm letting myself work through them slowly and in their own time as I'm doing this on my own until the therapy starts. If I make it on my own, I will still need them to talk about my suicidal thoughts which still present themselves from time to time but I don't think I'm going anywhere.

As a side note please do not take ibuprofen with Prozac, I made that mistake.

My doctor believes that it could be possible that what was making it so much worse was that I was being bullied by management at my previous job. It maybe that I am underlying conditioned to this but his behaviour towards me brought it out to the surface and made my life feel like a hell. I left the job which for my health was probably one of the best decisions I ever made and this medication helped me mentally with applying and finding two new jobs.

I made so much extra work for myself I had to work through breaks, I had to hide, I was ridiculed, I've spent so much money because of it as well.

If you need medication talk to your GP, and don't try to dismiss it like I did by telling yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with me.