New here and in desperate need of help

[EleanorRose]

Hi,

I am new to this forum (a 26 year old female who lives alone, in case that is relevant) and really struggling. I'll try to keep this brief but might not be able to! Sometimes I can be fairly sure it is my OCD that is causing things but I have reached a point where I am not sure if it is OCD or I am genuinely dying. I have various OCD 'symptoms' and 'obsessions' but the most severe centre around my health.

Brief background/context:

- In October 2006 I became convinced I had a brain tumour. Really convinced and utterly terrified. At the time, I knew nothing of OCD. I spent years googling, reading, checking my eyes/ears/memory and many other things.

- In March 2012 my brain tumour fear reached its peak and I was convinced I was going to die very soon. I couldn't leave the house and barely left the sofa, I wrote goodbye letters to loved ones and researched the symptoms of imminent death. After some weeks, I eventually went to the doctors but panicked and couldn't tell them all the details and symptoms I was experiencing. A few months later, I started seeing a counsellor - who thought I had OCD. I improved for a while.

- August 2016 my brain tumour fear escalated once more. I couldn't eat, sleep, spent a lot of time crying and was utterly, utterly terrified. It took a few months but eventually the fear decreased.

- I have an immense fear of doctors. That's not to say I would rather die. But the fear of 'dying', as in the process; not being able to carry on with my normal life, having to say goodbye to my family etc is unbearable. I can't face it.

- Earlier in 2018 I was having counselling for a mixture of things, not exclusively for this. She also confirmed she thought I had OCD (among other things)

Back to now:

- I have had an atypical mole on my back for at least the past decade, I remember the first time I found it. I've always been aware of it, made sure it's covered in the sun, lots of suncream etc.

- I've been increasingly paranoid about it recently - I know of someone (an online vlogger) who had melanoma which spread to become brain cancer. I went on holiday to somewhere hot (my first holiday in 3 years) a few weeks back and was worried about it then.

- I have reached a point of sheer, unrelenting terror, I cannot think of anything else. I have lost all appetite and am just trying to get through the hours of the day so I can go back to bed. I keep checking the mole and found a 5-year old photo of it and I think it looks different. I feel like every time I look it looks different. I keep googling and staring at photos. I can barely leave the house and when I do it is all I can think about. I know I should go to the doctors but I am convinced that in going to the doctors all I am doing is being told how many weeks/months I have left and I can't face that. I am going to see a counsellor next week.

I don't know what I am looking for - similar experiences, words of encouragement, I don't know. But if anyone can help in anyway I would be endlessly grateful.