I'm 24 and have been with my partner for 5 years so it's getting to the stage of either getting engaged and spending the rest of our lives together or parting ways. I love him so much and he's been amazing through all of this but part of me is really struggling to let him commit to this life. Just because I have to go through all the horrible things that come with this disease, I don't want him to have to spend his life potentially having to take care of me. But from a selfish point of view I can't bare to think of life without him. Has anybody else gone through these thoughts and what have you done?
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kirstycakes
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Hi Kirstycakes, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, Here at NRAS we offer many publications and we have some on Relationships and RA, you may want to have a look through them on our website, here's the link; nras.org.uk/emotions-relati...
I hope this is useful for you and our helpline is always available for any advice.
Hiya Kirstycakes. What a dilemma, & whilst I understand why you're raising the question I fear you may well be worrying without good reason. Have the two of you discussed taking your relationship to the next level & getting engaged? My thoughts are as your partner (because that's what he is after 5 years!) & you are still together he's in it for the long haul. Your concerns may be unfounded.
There's also the point that many people achieve remission or are controlled well nowadays, you say potentially he'll have to take care of you so I guess you're generally doing well? It's no longer as it was in my Nan's day, all disfigured fingers & poorly controlled so unless you have a particularly tricky disease I wouldn't think that 'having' to look after you would cross his mind. If it was the case ask yourself would he really still wish to be with you? If he's of the same mind as you & loves you as you love him then that love will abide.... RD or no RD!
Talk to him, your relationship wherever it goes will be all the better for being honest with him & letting him know your fears. If he responds as I hope he will then you know he's with you because that's where he wants to be & if he doesn't, well I don't think he will after 5 years & if your love for him is reciprocated. 😍
Oh hun, no one knows what the future holds. Life with RA is difficult, but DO NOT allow this disease stop the two of you creating a life together. Both of you deserve to live life to the fullest. He is choosing to commit to you, let him. Living, laughing & loving is best done with the man you love.
I have to be honest but why be so negative ? RA is controllable and treatments improve all the time. Its up to him in any case as well; and at such a young age do you need to make commitment yet. I live with controlled RA, I do not suffer with and think you need to take things slowly. It could be so much worse why not talk to him ? and try not to be depressed or too negative as many many woman with RA lead normal lives with babies and children, jobs and mortages and all the rest of the problems life throws at everyone. I wish you all the best but don't loose sleep over things you can't change, or make a choice solely based on what in a remote event might happen rather than on love.
No offence sweetie but it is not your decision to make. He is a grown man who has been in your life for five years. He is proceeding with eyes wide open. No one knows what the future will bring. There are new treatments and protocols all the time. Reality check, we are all dying from the minute we are born. My youngest son lost two friends ages 20 and 22 in 2013. One boy had an inherited heart condition and the other boy suffered a soccer injury which led to an aortic aneurism. Life my darling does not come with guarantees. Ask yourself one question. Would you leave him if he developed an illness ?
I completely understand what you are feeling. I had the same dilemma 7 years ago when I was about to get married. I was honest about my condition with him, and told him that things can get rough. It was then his decision to go ahead with it. All you can do is put out all the facts and be completely honest about your concerns. It is then his call. I have been in remission for most of my marriage, but he has always been there to help me out when things got tough.
You've been together 5 years, so I imagine he already has an idea of what you go through, and he is still there with and for you. Speak to him about your worries, and I'm sure he will reassure you of his feelings for you, and you can both live life to the full together. Hugs xo
Hi, I agree with what has already been said! It's not an easy life with RA but there are so many treatment options available now. I am married with two children and work part time, I have a full and busy life with my family. There are good days, bad days and horrendous days with the RA but you must give yourself a chance to have a full and happy life and it's his decision as much as yours!
I do understand your concerns. I got RA at 21, I'd just met my husband as well. We did not let it stand in the way of our future together, we got married, had a lovely daughter who's now 18. I also trained to become a mental health nurse but I'm sadly retired because of RA. I couldn't have had my happy life without him. He supported me through everything. He's made my life with RA better. Don't let RA stop you being happy with your man, he knows what it entails & he's still with you. He loves you. Get engaged, don't hesitate & enjoy your life together.
It was a dream come true, and an emotional awakening at the compassion and passion two people can share. I have RA and earlier this year diagnosed with a second autoimmune disease.
Disease doesn't make you unlovable or a burden to someone who loves and cares for you. It's just one of those things in life, and life is full of those things. Your guy may have his own health issues in the future and I'm sure that would make no difference to you. Accept his love as is, he clearly understands and loves you.
If u r lucky enough to have someone who understands / appreciates the 'hidden' disease and is prepared to help rather than takeover / control /dictate your lifestyle then give him the choice!. No replies to this pse, all.
My niece has had RA since she was 5 years old. She is one of the most courageous woman I have ever met. She has had both of her hips and knees replaced now has a 17 year old son and just got her associates degree and is working as a teacher. She is in remission now but has a lot of damage from the RA but we love her so much. Don't let it stop you.
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