I've not posted on here for a number of years but I really need some advice if possible.
I split up with my partner of 10 years a couple of months ago, and while we were together we suffered 3 miscarriages, he knows everything about me so was my safe place, but we've just grown apart. I've since meet someone else but the problem is he's 11 years younger than me (I'm only 38) and has no kids. I've resigned myself to never having children, with having RA and my age I don't feel I could cope with a child now so I've convinced myself I don't want them, I've only been seeing him a couple of weeks but I feel that at his age the kids debate is a game changer. Do I have the talk now before we get invest more into the relationship or do I leave it until we both know that a long term relationship is what we want?
Sorry for the long post
Maxine
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maxb
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9 Replies
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Honesty and truth is the mainstay of any relationship. Fear may hold you back but the longer you leave it the harder it will be if you are happy and feel you have a future. Hiding things now is not a great foundation for a relationship if he is the right one for you he will stand by you if he’s not then you are saving yourself from heartbreak. Hard I know but that’s what I would do . But that’s me you are the only one who really knows what is best. Good luck
You haven’t been with this new guy for very long, a bit early to be discussing children I think. Why don’t you enjoy this new romance for what it is, if further down the line it’s getting serious then have ‘The Talk’ . In the meantime just enjoy! Xx
It’s a bit early for heavy talks but a general comment. at a time when the conversations flows in that direction , about the limitations of RA and not having children in your life will plant the seed. Then if the relationship develops you have been honest and it won’t be such a shock to him.
Just my thoughts but whatever you do I wish you both good luck and happiness.
My view is completely different than everyone else’s—-maybe because I’m a mom of a single 30 year old son. I would find out if he wants kids when it will fit into the conversation. Then you know and can save yourself and him a lot of heartache later. Don’t do what feels right; do what is right.
Hi Max
I was 44 and my now hubby was 39 and we discussed this almost from the off. I was honest that even though 44 and able to, I felt it was not right for me, as I had got my head round fact I would probably not be having kids.
He was really good and said you are more important to me than kids and you cant have kids without the 'one'. When he asked me to marry him I told him you ever throw the kid card back in my face be PREPARED. He laughed and said what he had said before you are more important than a child.
Be honest about your life and how you want it to grow, how you see it and make sure he gets it.
If you have gotten to point of even mentioning a future together which may or may not include kids you need to come completely clean with him now. He needs to understand your RA, your potential for disability, you probability or lack there is if carrying a pregnancy. What is point if carrying on a fantasy relationship only for both to be broken hearted when truth comes out. How would you feel if he did not be open about being an Alcoholic? Or having mental health or drug issues which in the past caused hospitalizations. Or a year from now he says “honey, by the way I have MS)? Your issues are as important as your looks, your kind heart, that you are a fantastic cook, or that you both love music and to travel. Unfortunately they are a part of your entire personhood.
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Devastated!!!!
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