Struggling time

So I'm in the middle of easily the hardest time of my life atm. On the 2nd December I went for my 12 week scan. Supposedly the most wonderful day ever, however my husband and I were given the heartbreaking news that the baby died at 9 weeks. If I didn't have RA, this would be bad enough, however now my hormones are all over the place, my RA is the worst it's been in a long time and is a constant reminder of what we've lost as my symptoms almost disappeared when I was pregnant. Had anyone ever been through similar as I could really do with some advice on how to cope with the constant emotional pain. Sorry for a depressing rant. Xxx

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23 Replies

  • Hi Elaine, what a shock for you and your family. I can only say that I wish you can one time deal with this great loss.

    Warm greetings and a big hug from the Netherlands!


  • I'm so sorry that hear that you've lost your baby. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Do you have a supportive GP? Is there counselling provided for you? Have you spoken to the NRAS helpline? Hope you find someone to support you. Sending very best wishes.

  • So sorry to hear of your loss. Do try the NRAS helpline, they are excellent. I can't imagine how you feel, I had a threatened miscarriage with my third daughter, but I was lucky, and she was born perfect slightly early but fine.

    If you are struggling, ask your gp what support is available in your area, he may b e able to refer you. Don't feel embarrassed, the loss of a child must surely be the worst thing ever. It might be helpful if there is any cause identified, I know that many miscarriages go unexplained, but any explanation could help in the future

    I hope that in the future you may be blessed with the gift of another fullterm child, not in any way to replace the one you have lost, but to form another family group.

    Best wishes to all your family, Mavis xx

  • What a truly difficult experience Elaine, I can't imagine how the both of you feel, I'm so very sorry. Please do see your GP, ask if there's some form of counselling you could have. The NRAS helpline may be able to put you in touch with someone who has gone through the same awful experience. We're here if you think we can help. x

  • How awful for you, Elaine, I am so sorry.

  • So so sorry to hear your news. I know that no words written or spoken will ease the pain you are feeling at the moment -- but I'm sending hugs. Xxx

  • So sorry you lost your baby. Losing a child is a hard hard thing to go through. I lost one of my sons to to cancer when he was 6. I hope that someone on here has some experiences for you. My only advice is is that it takes time. Allow yourself the time to grieve and don't let anyone tell you you should be over it. you will grieve at your own pace in your own way. If you find you are getting too sad for too long though, please seek some help from a professional. I wish you all the best for the future

  • So sorry to hear of your news. Be strong and take care and contact NRAS

    telephone number. They will help, if they can't will put you in touch with someone that can.

    Sending love.RB

  • I can't offer any advice for you darling,but i am putting magic arms rounds you and giving you a huge hug to comfort you darling.xxxxx

  • No experience but feel greatly for you. ((())) xx Farm

  • As many others have said, give NRAS a call. They will probably know where to point you to or help. I wish I could help you, but I can only think about you and in my mind give you a hug. You can get through this, believe it.

  • I am so sorry about the loss of your baby, all I can say is I am thinking of you and send many hugs for you and your husband. My son was born at 6.5 months and I now how worried I was but to have a loss such as yours I cannot imagine what you are going through xxxxxx

  • I so sorry for your loss there is no words to express what you must be feeling at this time I hope you find the strength you need at this sad time xx

  • Oh how awful for you and your husband. And what misery to have a flare on top, as well as the turmoil from hormone changes. Do talk to your rheumy about what might help calm things down physically for you so you can have the space to grieve. So very sorry for you.

  • Such a sad time for you, I can't imagin how bad you must feel. My mum lost her first born at 3 weeks, she went on to have 5 more. I am the youngest. None of the family ever forget about the first borm my parents had. The others suggested contacting nras I am sure they will be able to help you. Sending gentle hugs your way. You and your family are in my thoughts. Sg

  • Hi Elaine

    So sorry to hear this. I know exactly what you are going through as the same thing happened to me at the end of October last year except I was 9 weeks and felt that something wasn't right and when after a few days I started to bleed and was referred for a scan and was told my baby had died at around 6/7 weeks. Like you my hormones have been all over the place since especially around the time of the month. Also I am surrounded by friends who have either just had their baby or are due any day so have those constant reminders. Although I have physically recovered only a few weeks ago both my husband and I admitted to each other we hadn't emotionally recovered as much as we initially thought we had. I was very lucky to have supportive friends and family many of whom have been there. Also I am lucky that my RA hasn't really been any worse. All I can say is it takes time and patience. I have been very busy at work so have completely thrown myself in to that and have been doing lots of over time as much I think to take my mind off of it and have something else to focus on. We are also now starting to think about trying again although we are both pretty scared. Is there a trusted friend or colleague you can talk to or alternatively your gp? We were given details at the hospital of a bereavement group that they run. Does you hospital have anything similar? Feel free to send me a private message if you think I can help at all or just want to rant and get it off your chest and I will do my best to help.


  • Hello Elaine, so sorry to hear of your loss,I have a friend who's baby died shortly after birth,she found the help group Sands very supportive,putting her in touch with other mums who were grieving a lost child.I hope this may help you.xx

  • You mentioned your hormones are all over the place, my advice would be to get yourself onto Thyroid Uk forum site on here Health Unlocked, they can help you sort your hormones levels out and good advice on hormone levels needed for pregnancy's.

    Also your Thyroid, iron, ferritin, folate and vitamin B12 and D levels might need checking too.

    So sorry to hear of your sad loss ElaineL1988 X

  • I can't advise on this Elaine, but very sorry for your loss. Big hugs xxx

  • I am so sorry to read about your baby. I hope that you don't mind me suggesting this but you said that you have RA, but have you been tested for lupus?. I have lupus. Lupus can cause miscarriages & early premature births, Hugh's Syndrome (sticky blood) is also another possibility, it maybe worth mentioning to your Obstetrician or Rhumatologist.

  • Thank you so much for all your kind words. Sorry for the rant, but it's hard to try to move on with loss as well as coping with RA. Xx

  • Elaine, I'm so sorry you lost your baby, and I'd like to send my best wishes to you in the hope you can move on from your trauma. Our youngest daughter who suffers with lupus lost her baby about 15 months ago, she was also at the 12 week stage.

    She was 40 at the time so delighted to find she was pregnant. Then,,her world came crashing down and I expect that's how you feel now. Like my daughter, your hormones will be all over the place !! It will take a few months for your hormones to settle, hopefully in the meanwhile you are getting plenty of loving support from partner and family. Don't be afraid to ask for help, our daughter was suffering very badly emotionally and in the end her GP arranged some counselling for her and her husband. She has a son aged 13 (our wonderful grandson) and she underwent gruelling IVF treatment in order to have him. This was before being diagnosed with lupus which we later found out was why she had suffered several miscarriages.

    It is a very emotional time for you Elaine, but keep going, there is light at the end of the tunnel even though it may seem far off at the moment. Take care, Lynda xx

  • So sorry to hear this, my daughter experienced the same with her first pregnancy. Take all the time you need to deal with your grieving. My daughter also lost a child at the age of 4, such a traumatic experience. It's something you don't get over, you learn to live with it. She adopted a little girl last year, she felt she wanted to give a child the love and support she would have given her own daughter. Lots of prayers and hugs being sent to you and your husband.

    Cathie x

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