Hi my name is Benny.
It's not easy to consolidate my thoughts to explain the roller coaster of emotions that I am feeling right now. The battle from fantasy of being a victorious non smoker versus the reality of walking into a convenient store and lighting 1 up and freeing myself from this pain. It's weird how I always think nothing is hard enough if you put your mind into it.
This though, isn't the way I thought it would be, it's a bloody living hell.
I can't concentrate, and I do business development for a big organization.
I cancelled a date for the anxiety of being without cigarette kicks in and I told i gotta take my mom to a doctor. LAME.
The depression from this is overwhelmingly fearful.
I need someone to assure me or better pinpoint when it gets easier. I need that finish line, that array of hope, that damn light that we all hope for.
For the record, I smoke only a pack per day (on most days, just 10-12) and I have read some post of people smoking over 30 a day. They were able to do it, easy or not, I do not know. I am just not sure for I do not poise the same confidence or determination that they do.
I miss the normalcy of my physical and emotional being more than the cigarette itself.