Day 39

Another day gone.

Another week like this and I will need interning in a mental institution!

All in all, I've made some gross mistakes this week and I've been on the edge all week. I'm not one bit like that at all, I'm usually calm and patient

Ive also eaten for 5 and I'm completely out of control. Ive realised today that my horrible week was caused my me being on the edge all the time, I cannot continue like this.

I did not smoke. I do not have any cravings. I do not miss the cigarette.

But I am completely out of my mind. Any other time I would be on a very serious depression by now, no sign of it at all, thank god.

But I'm wired, aggressive, too sharp for my own good. I had the "pleasure " of listening back to a phone conversation between myself and an individual that pushed my buttons one tiny bit this week...omg....I felt so sorry for the poor soul, I nearly ate him alive!

If this doesn't improve, I'm heading to the Gp on Tuesday for medication, I need to get a night sleep and calm down before I murder someone.

That's my post for today, happy Halloween.... Hope everyone doing well.

12 Replies

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  • I was going to correct the spelling mistakes but there's si many that couldn't be arsed. Let the record show that it's not my fault, it's the stupid auto correct thingy.... Sorry folks

  • My heart goes out to you mmaya. This post is full of honesty, angst and frustration; so much so that I was a little bit scared to comment! :D I hope that at least it's done you some good to air it.

    I've been there before as, like you, I'm a serial quitter. I found myself snapping at work colleagues, my wife and the kids for very little reason and then beating myself up for it later. Sometimes it seems easy and then other times it seems impossibly hard. I wish I could offer some advice but I've yet to find a way around these feelings. All I know is that they come and go so you may find yourself in a much better place tomorrow. I hope this is the case. Thirty nine days is quite an achievement; please keep it up.

  • I'm more of the crying baby type....any other time, not this time though! I'm changing my name from serial quitter to serial killer.

  • Thank you! Under no circumstances I will cave in but either this is all the medication that I'm in, the quit or I've lost my marbles!

    I'm not really snapping at anyone yet...well not snapping as bad as I'm capable of, at least.

    I'm just holding it in and walking away, I'm not able to perform normally and I'm terrified of this lack of self control...it is a very scary feeling, it feels like I'm losing my mind.

    Again, under no circumstances I will cave in, that's not an issue.

    I had a plan for each possible scenario but never covered for anger because it is just out of character for me.

  • I reckon you haven't lost your marbles. I think it's the quit; it brings out hidden emotions in people. I was so bad the first time I tried to quit that my wife (who has never smoked and hates smoking) actually bought me a pack of cigars, threw them down on the couch and said, "Here, smoke those! I'm not having you in a foul mood again this weekend!" That started me off smoking again of course so I'm not suggesting it as a remedy! I'm just using it to illustrate the point that I became something that I wasn't, which is what you seem to be experiencing. This has helped me in that I now recognise that I'm going to go a bit "off the wall" sometimes and I can deal with it. Does this make sense?

    You have a good stoical attitude towards this quit and you sound like a strong character. I think you will get over this.

  • Too strong buddy, too much personality and continental temper, dangerous! Im even afraid of myself, I can only imagine the other people. Lol!!!!

    It's great to hear that you've had this before, I don't feel as much of a lunatic any more ;) what do you think I should do? How to I stop it, apart from smoking again, I really have no interest on that.

  • Mmaya...At that stage (40-60 days) I wished to be on a very lonely Island...Just me, my emotions, my anger, and no cigarettes so that I could fight it through...really go for that calming product I suggested in the Pm I have send this Morning...As I have said this internet is driving crazy and sorry for late response.

  • The main thing that works for me is just getting away from the situation for a few minutes; from whatever is stressing me out or winding up the coil. I tend to go out for a short walk, go out for a drive, go upstairs on my own for five or ten minutes, have a bath. Basically, anything that gives me a few minutes on my own seems to help. No miracle cure I'm afraid but maybe this could help? You're not a loony!!!

  • Thanks Hercu. As usually you always have the right comment. You've summarised it with no drama, that's all I need and want, I want to be left alone with a big book and a bottle of water, on my own. I don't want to see or talk to anyone, I'm just not able for it.

    Unfortunately that's not possible, too much of a busy life.

    I'm heading to the herbal shop to talk to the girls there, I'll see if I can get what you've said.

    Definitely no coffee for me today.

    Thanks guys for listening to my ranting and a million thanks to Nozmo for getting me through last night, thank you so much!

    You've actually prevented a relapse, for that I'm eternally grateful.

  • No problem at all mmaya, glad I could help.

  • Another day gone.

    Another week like this and I will need interning in a mental institution!

    All in all, I've made some gross mistakes this week and I've been on the edge all week. I'm not one bit like that at all, I'm usually calm and patient

    Ive also eaten for 5 and I'm completely out of control. Ive realised today that my horrible week was caused my me being on the edge all the time, I cannot continue like this.

    I did not smoke. I do not have any cravings. I do not miss the cigarette.

    But I am completely out of my mind. Any other time I would be on a very serious depression by now, no sign of it at all, thank god.

    But I'm wired, aggressive, too sharp for my own good. I had the "pleasure " of listening back to a phone conversation between myself and an individual that pushed my buttons one tiny bit this week...omg....I felt so sorry for the poor soul, I nearly ate him alive!

    If this doesn't improve, I'm heading to the Gp on Tuesday for medication, I need to get a night sleep and calm down before I murder someone.

    That's my post for today, happy Halloween.... Hope everyone doing well.

    Sorry mmaya, I am only reading your post this morning, I hope today is a new, better day for you.

    My advice to you, which may not be possible, is try and make some urgently 'you' time, book yourself into a spa to get your nails or something done and take advantage of the relaxation room for a couple of hours with a book, or if you can swim, go for one and make use of the sauna, I think this is vital for you to have time to yourself just for a couple of hours, it really would do wonders for you. Sending you a big hug....:)

  • Hey rowens, no bother....I was very bad the all week. It's just weird, completely out of character as well, I'm not one bit like this

    I did a bit of research and it's actually very common and well known at this stage of the quit.

    It has a lot to do with the length of time that you've been smoking for rather than the amount of cigarettes you've been smoking.

    At the end of the day, Ive been a heavy smoker for 28 years, I knew this wasn't going to be easy.

    My plan was always that coming week 5,6,7 if I started struggling ( every single time I quit I enter depression at this stage) I will go to the doctor and stop it straight away before it escalates.

    I failed to recognise how bad this was going, I was very alert for depression but I'm not one bit depressed, I'm wired!

    Hope you are well.

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