One of those days

<Rant>

I thought I would think differently about this addiction after several months. But nothing really changed much. People compare smoking with wearing tight shoes, so when you smoke a cigarette it feels like taking the shoe off. I truly never felt like that. I ENJOYED smoking fully. Not every cigarette, but at least 80% of them still gave me a buzz in the head, that great feeling. Maybe it's different for others who have smoked longer than me, I don't know. I just know that when I quit I still had that buzz feeling and the morning fag still sometimes gave me that light headed feeling.

I am well aware that this is all due to drug addiction, but I have to admit that I loved those ups and downs. I don't have anything to look forward to ~15-20 times per day now.

People say you start to discover yourself and change after you quit. This is so true. But I don't really like the new me! This new me guy is both boring and bored himself. He lacks confidence. He often feels lonely since he quit, even though his social circle didn't change much. Drinking and hanging out with friends is not nearly as fun as it was before.

I spend a lot of time during those nights thinking about fags and always have massive craves the next day. So I really don't look forward to going out, seeing my friends etc. I used to enjoy several drinks 1-2 times/week and really savored those moments while drinking, smoking and having fun with friends. Now all of that is just a shadow of what it used to be.

Don't even get me started on situations where you are by yourself at a social event. NOT having a fag at those particular times is the worst. I recently went my gf's cousin wedding and several other occasions which kinda caught me off guard. At least with a fag I entertained myself somehow, now I just sit there like an idiot. You'll ask "Well, how do other people who not smoke and sit by themselves look like"? They look (and I bet feel) bored as s**t.

Still feel like "something is missing" in every situation I used to smoke, even after almost 5 months. Nothing is really completely satisfying.

Actually feel SCARED to do/plan a couple of serious live events because I don't know how I will manage to do it without fags. It just wouldn't be right, I couldn't enjoy it fully etc.

Sometimes I just feel like saying "Screw it, I'll take my chances with potential diseases" and start smoking again. I already do everything "right" in my life, and fags were my only "sin". Not a religious person at all, but you get the point.

</Rant>

21 Replies

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  • Oh Kac...I'm sorry you're feeling so deflated about it all at present....that was a powerful post and I can feel your pain and frustration. :(

    It's a difficult one. I could say that it is still early days (which it is, even after 5 months) and that everyone is different as to when the craves really start to become a thing of the past (which is also true) and that if you succumb now and smoke, you'll almost certainly regret it at some point (which I definitely think would be the case) but it probably won't mean jack to you at the moment. However, I'll bet you anything that every single person you know who smokes is secretly envying and admiring you for what you have achieved, not to mention lying awake at night from time to time worrying about playing Russian Roulette with their health just as I'll also bet you anything that there isn't an ex smoker amongst us who hasn't had a few 'if only' pangs at social events long after they succesfully quit.

    As to facing a social event alone (the ultimate in feeling like a spare p***k at a wedding in fact :)) the old 'having a fag' trick was only a crutch. Quitting does, I think, bring out all the underlying issues that made us smokers prone to smoking in the first place, including feeling nervous in social situations (and needing something to do with our hands or an excuse to get away for a few mininutes). Smoking again wouldn't change anything and you know that really, don't you? Taking up knitting would be a better option (at least that way you'll really look silly rather than just thinking you look silly ;))

    Please hang on in there Kac, because things WILL get easier. Far rather rant on here than lose such a splendid quit this far down the line. I'm sure you'll receive loads of helpful and supportive responses and advice from the wonderful people here and you know someone is always around to help.

    All the besf from me in the meantime.

  • Why did you quit in the first place then?

  • @Skid,

    you bring some very good points about underlying issues and smoking, I believe this to be true as well. The only reason I envied those who quit while I was smoking was because they hid their emotions. They made it look easy!

    Yes, I am very frustrated. But I don't plan on smoking again. Ever since I quit I realized this is a lose-lose situation. I won't feel good either way, so I'll stay quit. But if I was sure I would feel GOOD about myself if I started smoking again, I think I'd do it!

    @Ets147,

    I quit to avoid health problems in the future. That is all. If I was sure I wouldn't have any smoking-related health issues until I am like 70, I'd probably carry one smoking.

  • @Skid,

    you bring some very good points about underlying issues and smoking, I believe this to be true as well. The only reason I envied those who quit while I was smoking was because they hid their emotions. They made it look easy!

    Yes, I am very frustrated. But I don't plan on smoking again. Ever since I quit I realized this is a lose-lose situation. I won't feel good either way, so I'll stay quit. But if I was sure I would feel GOOD about myself if I started smoking again, I think I'd do it!

    @Ets147,

    I quit to avoid health problems in the future. That is all. If I was sure I wouldn't have any smoking-related health issues until I am like 70, I'd probably carry one smoking.

    Well, it costs a fortune, and you almost certainly will get ill. Everybody thinks it won't be them, and then when it is, you'll conpletely and utterly **** yourself.

  • Doesn't really cost a fortune where I live (quid a pack).

    There are many reasons for others to quit and there are definitely benefits to not smoking. I just stated how I feel and that other reasons weren't strong enough to make me quit. Only health-related ones are.

  • Doesn't really cost a fortune where I live (quid a pack).

    There are many reasons for others to quit and there are definitely benefits to not smoking. I just stated how I feel and that other reasons weren't strong enough to make me quit. Only health-related ones are.

    It's easy to say you won't be bothered about the health issues, until you've actually got cancer, and then you'll wish you'd have just not bothered.

  • I really didn't want to go there, but you can get cancer if you don't smoke, too.

    I don't even know why are we having this argument when I clearly said I stopped to prevent smoking-related diseases, although heart attack and COPD were my primary concerns.

  • I really didn't want to go there, but you can get cancer if you don't smoke, too.

    I don't even know why are we having this argument when I clearly said I stopped to prevent smoking-related diseases, although heart attack and COPD were my primary concerns.

    We're we having an argument? I didn't know.

    I've got two friends that highlight your concern. One is 63 and the other is 68. The one who is 63 has emphysema (he was a smoker). He takes 27 different tablets a day for his condition. He can barely walk any distance at all now and if he does he has to sit down for 30 mins after. The other guy who is 68, never smoked, and he's perfectly fit and healthy. You'd never believe he was 68. He runs around like he's 25. And when you said as long as you didn't have health problems until you're 70 that would be ok, well that's just rubbish. I'm sure my friend who is 68 doesn't want any health problems any time soon. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him.

  • Fair points both ways, you keep you're quit and if it helps to get an thoughts then yes post away :)

    If you had a cig now and started it again then going by your post maybe not straight away but you'll just want to quit again sooner rather than later, at least if you can give the quit a year and then you might look at it in a different way from 5 months in which btw is a awesome length of time as quits go.

    Good luck.

  • @steelfixer, yeah that's one of the things keeping me from lighting one up. People say it gets much, much better after a year. Hope I won't be dissapointed! Thanks for the support.

    @Karri, sorry to hear about your parents. I actually feel a bit better already and yes, statistics etc won't do me any good. I mean, I already did some damage by smoking so far. I don't need to read more statistics if I quit already.

    @Tea, glad to hear I am not the only one. I feel like most people try to covince themselves they hated smoking. And if they truly did, then I can understand why they think I am full of BS.

    I guess our core behaivours don't really change, of course I am still pretty much the same person. I just have to learn to cope better without fags, I guess. And you are right, I too can have all of those things in moderation, but that's certainly not the case with cigarettes. Pros and cons for staying quit are pretty clear. I guess my world is kinda falling apart because I smoked my entire life as an adult. I probably built a large part of it based on smoking.

    The things I wrote in my original post didn't just pop up out of nowhere. I've been accumulating these and similar thoughts for weeks. That's why it may have sounded like I am about to light a fag. I assure you that is not the case. I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head and share them with someone. This name of the forum is "How are you feeling?", right? :eek:

  • I think it was very brave of you to share your feelings with us actually, Kac :)

    It's often much easier to put a positive spin on everything than it is to bare your soul but I remember someone (may have been Tracey, Helene or Lostie?) saying how it can really help to read about someone's difficult times as it makes you feel less isolated and lonely (because you realise your feelings are shared and you aren't unique in feeling pants about everything). None of us can be positive and on top of the world all the time and I say all power to you for getting that out in the open.

  • Just a thought, for what ever reason you have quit, health, money, smelling nice etc.

    It does for a while any way, take a strong focus, and determination, which is by nature quite selfish, but we do need to do this for a while up until our quit is strong. .... Again this will take several months especially as this is a drug addiction...... Just maybe as time passes, the fun will return, you may look back and realise smoking did not make your life happy,..... It was just a crutch to prop you up from time to time....

    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.... Doing a great job

  • Sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish at the moment and I really hope you get through this hard patch and continue on in your quit, unfortunately as this is a no smoking Site while we may empathise nobody on here is going to say yes you should smoke, we will all try and support you to maintain your quit so while some of the statistics and comments may not of been received very well it's a method to try and get you to see that smoking isn't the answer, just read Karens post she talks a lot of sense, I would give anything to be where you are now, I am a mere 7 weeks quit, longest quit 11 weeks, so what you have achieved is pretty spectacular I think.... Especially as the cost of fags isn't an issue for you! a £1 a pack! Madness!... Anyway I have waffled on a bit but just wanted to say people throw statistics at you and sometimes may sound a bit harsh maybe even unfeeling but it's because we are all striving for the same goal, and you are nearly halfway there to a year quit, keep going x

  • I think I was trying to highlight the original reason the person quit. I'm never trying to be nasty to anybody. Sometimes all we need is a bit of a kick and reminder as to why we are here in the first place.

    Ask any doctor, and the best thing anybody can do, is give up smoking.

    Obviously people get ill regardless of their lifestyle. What we should be trying to do though, is reduce our chances of being ill, by not doing anything silly.

    Untimately, until people make their own mind up to stop, then they will always find excuses.

    At the end of the day, nobody can help you, except yourself. You're the person that's got to do what's right for you.

  • Thanks everyone for the support, feeling much better today.

  • That is indeed good to hear Kac :)

    But that's one of the wonderful things about the forum- you can rant with impunity (or, indeed, anyone else for that matter :D) and we'll all understand where you're coming from.

  • Thanks Karri!

    Indeed Skid, this forum is a treasure to me!

  • Thanks Karri!

    Indeed Skid, this forum is a treasure to me!

    No problem.

  • Interesting thread Kacmins. I love when people analyse their quit. This is something I'm not very good at so I appreciate others doing it for me.

    It sounds like drinking and smoking are strongly linked for you... me too. It took many months before I felt 'safe' to drink and for awhile I too spent a lot of the time wishing I was smoking when I was drinking. It does fade.

    Smoking is an addiction that was definitely a tug of war for me. I wanted to smoke but I didn't want to smoke. That's the nature of the beast I think.

    I'm at the stage where I don't miss smoking BUT I understand where you're coming from with the social stuff. I do miss the excuse to go stand outside on my own for a bit and have a break from a boring/heated conversation. Now I have to say I have wind!:D

  • Wow, you've said it Sued. I couldn't describe my troubles any better myself :)

    Glad you found the thread interesting! I like to analyse quits myself, but rarely anyone in "real life" wants to share their experience.

  • I know what you mean, we start to bore people very quickly. Quitting is all encompassing especially for the first few month.:D

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