Yep, I'm here again
I've been doing so well had even got past wearing a patch and using the gum until yesterday! As some of you may know my reason for quitting was watching my mum die of lung cancer. She's got really bad and it will only be a matter of weeks we think before its time to say goodbye (although I feel like I've lost her already)
Yesterday was scary, ,mum was really struggling to breathe and asked me to get the doctor which I did but she got very scared waiting for the doctor to arrive, I honestly thought she was going right in front of my eyes. The doctor came, told me to give her more oramorphb and increased her steroid dosage. First thing mum wanted when he left was a ciggy, I was angry but at the same time was going through the worst crave in months! I just don't understand myself, I thought I had nailed it this time but yesterday was so stressful/scary it was the first thing I wanted
Sure enough once mum was settled, I got cigs. Smoke two then said no I'm not going there so I broke them and threw them away but then this morning I panicked again and have had two of mums :mad:
How the hell did I get back here, the demon came back to me during my weakest moments and caught me again!
I'm soo annoyed with myself but at the same time nicodemon is having a field day with my emotions! I go from thinking no your not putting Callum (my son) threw this too, now is not the time, wait until mum dies - how the hell can I think like this, I must've really ****** stupid, mum is about 4 stone and very weak, she's still smoking and lately I have to put the cig in her hand and light it. Then sit with her until she smokes it to make sure she does drop it! Maybe this has brought it back to me and I'm thinking there must be something good in this if she can hardly breathe and still wants one!
My head is soo confused I don't know what to do!!!