Relapsed..... Please help

Yep, I'm here again :(

I've been doing so well had even got past wearing a patch and using the gum until yesterday! As some of you may know my reason for quitting was watching my mum die of lung cancer. She's got really bad and it will only be a matter of weeks we think before its time to say goodbye (although I feel like I've lost her already)

Yesterday was scary, ,mum was really struggling to breathe and asked me to get the doctor which I did but she got very scared waiting for the doctor to arrive, I honestly thought she was going right in front of my eyes. The doctor came, told me to give her more oramorphb and increased her steroid dosage. First thing mum wanted when he left was a ciggy, I was angry but at the same time was going through the worst crave in months! I just don't understand myself, I thought I had nailed it this time but yesterday was so stressful/scary it was the first thing I wanted :(

Sure enough once mum was settled, I got cigs. Smoke two then said no I'm not going there so I broke them and threw them away but then this morning I panicked again and have had two of mums :mad:

How the hell did I get back here, the demon came back to me during my weakest moments and caught me again!

I'm soo annoyed with myself but at the same time nicodemon is having a field day with my emotions! I go from thinking no your not putting Callum (my son) threw this too, now is not the time, wait until mum dies - how the hell can I think like this, I must've really ****** stupid, mum is about 4 stone and very weak, she's still smoking and lately I have to put the cig in her hand and light it. Then sit with her until she smokes it to make sure she does drop it! Maybe this has brought it back to me and I'm thinking there must be something good in this if she can hardly breathe and still wants one!

My head is soo confused I don't know what to do!!!

12 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Oh you are having a horrible time hun, it must be just awful for you

    ((hugs))

    It's got to be hard for you to watch and help your mum smoke too, especially as that's what's killing her. :(

    Don't beat yourself up 'cos it's what Nic does best. I had a nasty time last week (nowhere as bad as yours though) and came very close to sparking up - it's just how the little git works.

    There is nothing good about smoking, not one little thing - we all thought there was when we smoked, actually don't know about you but I couldn't imagine living without smoking, but it's a load of c**p.

    Well done for breaking up the fags, I think it might be a good idea to keep some kind of NRT handy for moments like that, just to stop you smoking again.

    Sending you love and hugs xx

  • my heart goes out to you, I was with my Dad at the Mcmillan unit where he died and I used to go out for a cigarette, there were patients out there smoking too and I can remember the guilt I felt when I lit one for a patient who couldn't manage the lighter.

    What came to my mind was that it was too late for him but not for me. The same with you and your mum, it is not too late to make a difference to your life and to that of Callum's. He doesn't need to see you suffer the same or breathe in second hand smoke. Also there is less chance of him starting if you don't smoke.

    Maybe you still need some sort of NRT to help you through the next few weeks. you know a fag wont help or change things but it is bl00dy hard when you have the stresses you have to say no.

    Keep strong and don't beat yourself up too much, you'll get there ;)

    ((hugs)) xx

  • Thank you

    Thanks for your replies, you words have helped :)

    I think you both totally right about having some nrt! I've just pulled out a strip of gum and had one which helped!

    So on the next crave and the next I will do the same!

    No point going back to start again as I'd probably find some excuse to put it off! So back on the Wagon with my gum I go before I leave to too long and I fall back into the trap

    Thanks again, hugs

    Mrs mash xx

  • I think you both totally right about having some nrt! I've just pulled out a strip of gum and had one which helped!

    So on the next crave and the next I will do the same!

    That's definitely the right thing to do hun :)

    It's a bit scary how *suddenly* all you can think about is smoking and not caring about the consequences but having the NRT will help and we're always here for you!!

    No point going back to start again as I'd probably find some excuse to put it off! So back on the Wagon with my gum I go before I leave to too long and I fall back into the trap

    Thanks again, hugs

    Mrs mash xx

    Oh you're right, if you're anything like me then it would be years!!

    Well done for hopping back onto the wagon xx

  • You really are going through an awful time right now - I'm so sorry! I really do not know what to say except how amazing you are for managing to last this long without caving!!! You demonstrate an incredible amount of strength and therefore you can beat this!use the gum/ whatever form of NRT helps you to get through this just don't let nasty Nic bully you into a fag again. He is evil and he is trying to get you when you are down. He is a bully!!! Kick him, shout at him tell him he is not going to get you ever again!!! We are all here to help in the fight against that vicious, horrible, thoroughly evil bully!!

    Well done for getting back on the wagon!!! We are here to help whenever you need us!!!

    Sarah

    X

  • Never a truer word spoken!

    Thanks Kat and Sarah!

    Kat just as you wrote this I found similar words which I have mailed to myself! They are:

    There may still be an ongoing trauma in your life at the moment, but those problems were going to be happening whether you were an active smoker, an ex-smoker, even if you had never smoked in your life. But if you think about the real situation you will realize that your relapsing to a deadly addiction will not in any way, shape or form help resolve the ongoing problem. It will just give you another life threatening problem that you will need to contend with.

    If your relapse eventually results in your premature death, everyone you know and leave behind will have to live with the same kind of grief and frustrations too. Do you want all of your children, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, and just plain acquaintances to feel the need or acceptance to relapse to a deadly drug addiction in your memory? If not, don't you need to teach them that lesson now while you are still alive? It is the same lesson that you can teach yourself every day. The lesson--that you can quit smoking and you can stay off smoking under any circumstances as long as you always remember to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!

    Mum still thinkings I've quit and says she's proud of me! Felt awful lying to her this morning when she asked me how long I'd stopped for!

    So no more lies! Here we go again! After this trauma no doubt I'd find another, the another reason to give in again so onwards and upwards!

    Missed you all, should have come back here first :(

  • What a blo*dy awful time you're having. I lost my father-in-law last year in similar circumstances, three months before I quit. It was terrible, I have an idea what you're going through, he did the same thing with fags, could only manage a couple of drags at a time in the end. Shows the power of the things eh?

    You've heard all about how smoking doesn't change anything, and I agree but all I would say is that whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over it, you've enough to cope with.

    When the time's right, the tiny shred of comfort from all of this would be to use this awful, awful experience as a reminder of what can happen; use it to your advantage should you need to, but when the time's right. Look after yourself and keep us posted on how you are!

  • Hello MrsMash09 Im so sorry to hear of the family trouble you are having it must be very upsetting and a stressful time for you. Don't beat yourself up to much regarding the relapse, Im sure you will win through in the end. I can only say my thoughts are with you at this very difficult time.

  • Thanks everyone!

    Thank you all so much for your kind words, well I'm extremely happy to say that I haven't given into to the little monster since I posted on here earlier this morning, it's not much but I'm just glad I didn't throw in the towel completely!

    So once again, thanks for your support! It and the kick up the a** I gave myself put me back on track!

    One day at a time and I'll get there :)

  • Thank you all so much for your kind words, well I'm extremely happy to say that I haven't given into to the little monster since I posted on here earlier this morning, it's not much but I'm just glad I didn't throw in the towel completely!

    So once again, thanks for your support! It and the kick up the a** I gave myself put me back on track!

    One day at a time and I'll get there :)

    Oh that's brilliant :)

    It's definitely a lot 'cos smoking is a horrible addiction to break but you're getting there!!

    Lots of people would have said "stuff it" and carried on smoking but you didn't and that's brilliant!!

    We're always here for you hun

    xx

  • Well done for being honest and for coming here to find support :)

    Don't give up hope hun. You can still make this, no problem, it's just about finding what's right for you and having the back up plans available for those stressful moments.

    I haven't had to go through the heartbreaking ordeal that you are now pulling yourself through, so I really admire that you want to just get back onto that wagon and not give in to the little s***bag. He isn't worth your upset and you're doing right to pick yourself back up and keep going.

    Sending lots of love your way x

  • Good Morning Mrs Mash

    My advise would be simply ..... don't beat yourself up over this .

    What you are going through must be possibly the worst ordeal of your life , watching someone you love and care for dearly having to suffer in such a way is far more than most of us on here have to deal with vat the moment . If it helps you get through the situation and makes things a bit easier for you then just have the occasional cig and when you are ready then try again.

    I have had several quits over the last few years and I know in my own mind that practise makes perfect , we all know that stopping is difficult even when one in the right frame of mind without undergoing traumatic and stressful situations.

    Thinking of you and your Mum

    Big hug ,:)

    Trev

You may also like...