Day 19 - Time for a bit of a rant.

[nsd_user663_41599]

Okay - first up, sorry to be a mardy sod, but I need this right now.

I've hit day 19, and week 3 seems to be the biggest challenge so far. I'm going mental this week - nothing seems to help, my nerves feel like they're on fire, and I'm absolutely fuming (mostly at nothing) 95% of the time.

My OH is driving me insane, and I wonder if anyone else has had this problem. We live in a small flat, and she continues to smoke. Of course, I smoked up until (almost) 3 weeks ago, and we smoked in the flat. Didn't make for a pleasant environment even while smoking, and I wanted to stop anyway, however my GF has picked up certain habits which she simply won't compromise on.

When she gets in from work, she's continuing to sit in the kitchen, drink tea and chain-smoke. Over the weekend, she's in here smoking all day. I'm usually in the living room (about 2 metres away) and soon enough the flat is filling up with smoke. It's amazing how the fumes start to get to you not long after you give it up (it absolutely reeks, can't believe I did that for so long), and I feel like I can't stand this anymore. It's also not exactly helping me to forget about smoking, and move on!

She's of the opinion that it was my choice to give up, she shouldn't have to change her life, and she needs her chill out time after work. I'm getting out of the flat as much as I can (I'm trying hard to exercise/still see friends etc), but coming home to a flat stinking of smoke, or simply having to put up with it while I'm trying to relax is not easy at all.

I'm completely aware that I'm just slightly strung out right now, but am I being a complete arse by wanting her to go outside? She's not really supporting me (not one congratulations/well done etc), and I feel like she's almost angry at me for quitting, like I've put her out or something. Maybe she's threatened? I don't know, but I'd welcome anyone's advice.

I don't want a screaming row about this, and we haven't had one, I've just tried to have an adult conversation, and she makes out I'm being completely unreasonable. Anyone else been through this? Should I just calm down, and let her get on with it? I might have to start wearing a gas mask at home at this rate!

<Deep Breath> Hope everyone else is doing OK, wishing you all the best. Sorry again for ranting.

J

[nsd_user663_40384]

Hi Jimmy

I'm not surprised you are fuming! I think you've done amazingly well to get this far. 'Not my place to comment on anyone else's relationship, but this sounds like a real stand off.

Alan Carr (the smoking book) reckons all smokers are terrified they will be the last one on the smoking ship, and will do anything to stop the rest of us leaving it!

My OH smokes, and a lot of our relationship (2yrs) has been based around hanging out together and smoking (its what got me started again!). However, we have never smoked in the house. Also, i didn't tell him i was going to try giving up again, but he saw me reading the book, and without a word exchanged, he changed his smoking pattern. He's being really considerate and not smoking in front of me, or leaving fags around anywhere...we are keeping it fairly low key.

I think you need to go for a long walk, take some deep breaths, realise she's probably pretty scared deep down. Then, sit down calmly and have a sensible chat about how you can both compromise around this.

If there is no way of doing this, then maybe you have to choose between being a smoker and keeping the girlfriend, or staying a non smoker and ditching the girlfriend!

good luck, and just hang on in there.

[nsd_user663_6426]

Sorry you're having a hard time of it jimmy...I'm just giving my opinion here you don't have to put any stock into it...but...in my honest opinion she's being very selfish. My husband has never smoked and I always respected that and smoked outside. It was no great hardship...and when the weather was particularly bad and I got so fedup going outside, I had the odd cheeky fag in the kitchen. He really appreciated it, and I didn't want him to have to suffer from passive smoking when it was my choice, not his, to smoke.

I really do believe she's pissed off that you've given up and is making it hard for youto stop. That's why she continues to smoke indoors, thinking you'll give in and carry on smoking with her. It's a bit manipulative but aren't all addicts like that???? Like Allen Carr says nobody wants to be the last one smoking and that's what she doesn't want to be.

I agree with Hilary...you need a heart to heart. It'll just get too much to bear one day and you'll pop and have a big row about it otherwise. Better to try and talk about it when you're calm...if you can.

Good luck with it and well done for staying quit in very trying circumstances. I dunno if I could have held out if there was someone smoking in my house all the time. Aside from the temptation the flat probably smells awful now you're a non-smoker. P.S. You could compromise and ask her to smoke out the window?????

Good luck again.

Lisa x

[nsd_user663_35439]

I quit with my OH - she lasted 3 hours and I'm on day 121!!!

In the first few weeks I was a particularly enthusiastic quitter, citing all the reasons she should give up, being very subtle by putting the Allen Carr book next to her ashtray and generally being a nightmare.

After week 3 was over, I calmed down and the fact that she was still smoking helped me as I had a constant reminder of the foul smell, so no romanticising the evil weed. I stopped the moaning (I do still grimace with the smell on her - mixture of smoke/perfume and febreeze!!)

The OH is still smoking, but has cut down greatly and is getting her head round quitting as she's seen me do so well. You can't force anyone to quit and by moaning about it, you'll get their back up and they'll dig in giving all the excuses you used to give!!! If you back off a bit, your OH may come round!!

[nsd_user663_41599]

Thanks for the replies both of you. We'll definitely be having a serious talk about this, I'm glad I'm not being totally unreasonable!

I think you both make a valid point, in that she's probably quite scared and unsettled by the fact that I've quit, and more than likely wants me to start up again. No danger of that, I'm happy to report, I'm not looking back for anybody. Also, it'll be three weeks tomorrow (:cool:), and I'm feeling as if there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, so I think I can tackle this calmly.

I do appreciate the perspective though, sometimes reality is quite distorted at this point, and you've got the patience of a 5 year old so it's difficult to see the wood from the trees!

Many thanks once again, hopefully I can share some positive developments soon.

[nsd_user663_39403]

Jimmy's rant

I can relate to Jimmyd's rant.

My wife constantly nagged me to cut down my smoking due to the chronic smokers cough.

(Note that I was requested to cut down and not stop because she is also a smoker).

Anyway, I obliged and with the help of champix stopped completely.

After 20 days smoke free my cough has simply disappeared. Brilliant.

What smokers don't realise is how putrid the smell is.

During "the chat" with my wife I tried to describe the smell just after she has had a cigarette or the smell when you walk outside the local supermarkets' smokers alley.

I tried to be as honest as I could and " damp urine " was my best description of the smokers odour.

I took a chance by asking her after she had her next cigarette if she had wee'd herself.

I'm on day 45 now and my wife is on day 5. It may eventually result in divorce - who knows, but the thought that she gave off a pungent odour due to smoking was enough to encourage her to give up.

How would you describe the smell?