being honest to myself!!!

[nsd_user663_17596]

Right nearly 5 weeks in and I think that seeing all my reasons for quitting written down will help me keep up my motivation.

1. Main reason is I'm a hypochondriac - dont go to doctors every two mins or owt but i constantly worry bout my health and am so scared that i only go to doctors with stuff that i know arent serious i.e. anxiety, little infection etc. Im only 25 yrs old so if i feel so unhealthy now god knows what ill be like in 20 yrs if my lifestyle doesnt change. I dont hardly drink - never get drunk so my only vice damaging my health is smoking!!!

Got diagnosed with SVT 18 months ago - a minor problem with the nerves in the heart that makes your heart start beating 200bpm and you have to find a way to slow it down. Have had nearly two years worrying about my heart and thinking i could drop dead of a heart attack any minute. Last time my heart started pounding out of my chest very very fast I was alone in my house and in the bath!!! Naked!! Very vulnerable position!! Panicked and called an ambulance because i was convinced that my heart was beating so fast I would have a heart attack and nobody was there to help me.

It seems insane to me now that ive spent all that time worrying about my heart and yet i could still justify in my head that smoking was alright - helping me with the stress of worrying bout my heart.

Anyway - the good news is that i went back to the hospital in early November this year and had a load of tests and it turns out i was misdiagnosed and my heart is perfectly healthy. Its anxiety (i tried to tell them it was that) But the habit of worrying about health is still as ingrained in me now as the habit smoking used to be before the quit.

I might die tomorrow - i can live with that fear but ill be damned if any behaviour of mine is going to make that day come any sooner than it has to!! Will still try to enjoy my life but wont slowly commit suicide everyday by smoking anymore.

2. I want to feel healthy enough and confident enough about my health to try and have a baby with my fiance in the next year or so.

3. I hated the taste smell everything about smoking - i wasnt one of those smokers that liked smoking - i despised it.

4. I used to mentally beat myself up everyday for smoking - calling myself stupid etc and messing up my self confidence

5. Hated having to tell my nieces to stay away from me when i was smoking and seeing there disappointed and confused look on their faces.

6. My best friends new born baby was at more risk of cot death if i looked after her when id been smoking.

7. Taking control of my life again and realising that i CAN change things that Im not happy with.

8. Not been ashamed in front of my fiances family who believe its a 'tragedy' for a woman to smoke and damage her body before shes had a baby. - their words not mine!!

9. Feeling guilty because my gorgeous little doggy, bailey has had to breath in smoke for 6 yrs and now she cant run for as long cos her breathing is bad.

10. feeling embarrassed every time someone comes to my house because i know it smells of smoke.

11. Being self conscious about my breath and the smell of my clothes.

12. Being judged by my bosses for smoking - automatically perceived as lazy for being a smoker even though i used to prove the reverse is true - i would work twice as hard so i could justify having a cig when the work is finished - quicker than most non smokers!!

13. Going to the shop and spending a minimum of £5 quid everytime because i was buying ten cigs as well as milk or whatever it was that i needed from the shop in the first place.

14. Constantly planning how long the cigs i have left will last me and whether there is enough to last until morning. Not having to walk half an hour in winter to the 24 hr garage because id misjudged how long cigs would last or i had stayed awake longer than expected etc

15. Worrying about smoking in a non smoking rental house whilst were saving up for mortgage

16. Seeing my mum and dad worrying and being disappointed when i make them sit outside in a coffee shop when we meet for a catch up chat.

Will keep adding to these as i think of new reasons and then i can print it out and stick it up in my house and make myself reas it when im having a bad day. its not the most entertaining reading and might be quite boring but iv tried to be brutally honest with myself about my quit reasons.

[nsd_user663_17077]

Well done on getting this far - remember ciggies are stimulants, so in the long run are probably making your anxiety WORSE. I bet you will see a difference soon enough.

Great reasons.

One thing I thought was important and have not seen mentioned anywhere regarding work is the following: I am looking to get into nursing when I get back to the States. The 2 main hospitals where I will live BOTH test for smoking in applicants (i.e. physical tests for nicotine or something) and REFUSE to hire smokers. If you smoke you cannot get a job. It is to do with patient care, second hand smoke and also the fact that it puts up employee insurance costs. One of the recruitment people said if their staff smoke it sends the wrong message to patients and as a health care professional you should promote good health.

So much better for your future to be free of smoking so that if things like this come to the UK you can still get a job!