I'm going crazy. For the past 2-3 days I've been having thoughts of smoking-- not urges.
I consider an urge to be the type of feeling you have from day 1 to about day 4, since I have no more nicotine in my system I don't consider them urges... just thoughts.
But oh boy my thoughts are ****ing strong as hell. I really feel like grabbing a pack of smokes or maybe going for a walk and bumming a cigarette....
Then I start to remember what it is like to go without a cigarette for a while and then to smoke one... You feel the nicotine and it whoops your ass. I used to get stuck so-to-speak, when I smoked a cigarette after not having one for a while. The feeling completely steals any energy you just had and 5 minutes after you're back to normal-- not feeling so stuck.
Why am I fiending for a feeling that lasts than 5 minutes?
I feel like a drug addict. Well, quite obviously I am a drug addict... we all are. I think thats what made me want to stop smoking. Where I live there is a good sized population of crack heads and heroin addicts. I see these people from time to time... in fact some people I grew up with turned into these people, addicts. I never did those crazy drugs, but I did smoke... and just like the crack heads & heroin addicts go back to their dealers multiple times a day we go to the corner store at least once a day. Cigarette smokers are the same thing as crack heads and heroin addicts. The only difference is we don't need to steal, rob, kill, or cheat to get our fix... but of course thats just because it is legal- if it were not legal I don't think there would be any difference between us and them.
That was one of the reasons I quit... I don't like to think of myself as a drug addict, and that is what I was-- err still am since I am thinking about smoking.
I also quit because I was tired of coughing up yellow and brown flem with all kinds of other nasty shit.
I was tired of wasting 10 bucks a day on a pack of bullshit that would only get me to tomorrow. Why the **** did I spend 10 bucks a day on a pack of cigarettes? A sandwich, I.E. breakfast or lunch, is 5 ****ing dollars. There were times that I did not eat so I could buy a pack of smokes... WTF was I thinking? **** me.
I hated being lethargic. I hated "needing" a cigarette after completing certain tasks... meals, a joint, a beer, a shit, a shower, sex.
I did not and still do not want to die for breathing smoke 18 times a day.
Well, I've written a lot and am not sure at the moment why I've written what I have. Oh thats right... I've been having "thoughts" lmao. One thing is for sure, writing about how I'm feeling about cigarettes has helped with the thoughts.
I'll push through today and I'll push through tomorrow. Not for anyone else, just me.