My reasons - MAH

Never got around to doing this, had my reasons written down on an NHS thing I printed off the tinternet.

And a copy in my purse

1) Health

2) Teeth

3) Expense

4) Social situations

5) Stress

6) Psoriasis

Health - vastly improved if I stopped smoking, ironically no colds (that have come to fruition), have the nasal drip thing I think, proving a bugger to shift but nothing like a full blown smokers cold.

Teeth - so far they're doing ok, if I continue to smoke though, doubt they will be, gums recede, teeth fall out. So before I got to that stage had to stop.

Expense - on a conservative estimate

1 week £35

1 Year £1,820

3 Years £5,460

5 Years £9,100

10 Years £18,200

Social Situations - going out for a fag when with people (one of the few people smoking in my social circle), people being snotty when you have a fag with food, all the everyday situations from waiting to get on a plane/train to dealing with other humans.

Stress - knowing that smoking increased my stress levels but still thinking that 10 mins away from my desk was relaxing!

Psorisasis - having read up and knowing that Psoriasis was cyclical and that smoking made it worse; carried on.

75 Replies

  • Kubler- Ross Cycle

    2nd September 2009,

    Kubler- Ross Cycle

    Denial – Anger – Bargaining – Depression – Acceptance

    Denial, entered this entire quit in denial in retrospect, though would’ve argued differently in the early days, had been thinking about stopping smoking, needed to sort out finances and had been quitting for years, although hadn’t made a serious attempt in the 18 months previous to this quit.

    Anger, Am quite angry in general I think, cigs have been used in the past to get me out of the way. I have used cigs to stop me saying things. My last nicotine fix in itself was something of a disappointment, was in a state of nicotine withdrawal, had 5 cigs between 12 and 2 pm and then another at 7 pm or so and my brain was fuzzy, that’s what I remember most about the this quit, early doors – my brain was a chaotic maelstrom of random thinking and foggy thoughts.

    Bargaining – can’t remember doing this, this quit anyway. Did on all my other quits hence why I started again. My moto this quit has been “never take another puff”. This is the crux of all my previous failures, I would *engineer* situations where I’d be able to smoke. Once on this quit, at a wedding, nearly took a cig from my cousin. Was so instinctual, put my hand out to take his fag and I would’ve been started again if I hadn’t realised what I was doing. Eternal vigilance seems to be the hope for the future.

    Depression, I have definitely had the quit blues, boring myself with them. Am exercising to release natural endorphins - not nearly as effective as lighting a fag though; 20 plus times a day unless I was ill then it was less or drinking then it was much more, spent more time drinking than being ill though. Will never achieve 20 *hits* a day from exercising. Also now using St John’s wort, want to stop using it soon too, unable to tell how much it is helping but do feel less tetchy whilst using it.

    I know *intellectually* that this will soon pass. I’ve got a lot of re-educating to do, years of behaviour to over –write. So I reckon at least a year to learn to live without the constant highs and lows. In essence, I know I was a real junkie. My addiction to cigarettes was total and unswerving. I remember writing on here about having read and reread a passage about addiction and not really absorbing the importance. Howlin at the moon, that eventually a cig will be ok - It never will. I will be right back where I started.

    I find myself attracted and repelled from thinking about the longer term. By this I mean I want to “hear” what it’s like further down the road but at the same time try not to dwell on it in case the meaning of infinity/forever in case it causes me to wobble, lose the plot and the thread snaps and I smoke. Even now I still think that everything will return to normal if I have one fag. It won’t I’d need thousands of the buggers. So I’m back to waiting for non-smoking to feel normal. This is to be expected really as I’ve smoked for more years of my life, than I’ve not smoked. I’m only 3 months into quitting, it’s bound to still feel like a new pair of shoes - uncomfortable.

    Yet despite all the rationalisations, I’m still blue, even accepting that *depression* (I use the term with all due respect) is our minds way of forcing reflection, of taking stock, I’m still here, blue so obviously intellect is at odds with fundamental self, which is yet to accept the changed circumstances.

    Acceptance – Wish I could say that I’ve got to this stage. At the moment I’m still striving to like the new me. I’m still a quitter not a non-smoker.

  • MAH, I agree that it is hard in terms of missing some sort of a high and low from the whole process. (what are we? ... drug addicts or something?:D)

    I've always had a slight prob with occasional depression all my life anyway -so one of my reasons for quitting was to see how that would be affected- on the whole it's a lot better, i don't feel so negative all the time. I think the brain chemistry needs time to readjust? I have really strong multi vits that are quite good, and i would always recommend any of patrick holfords books., esp, Optimum nutrition for the mind, and how to quit without feeling shit.

    But yeah, i think i'm a bit of an addictive personality or something becasue sometimes i just long for a bit of a "buzz" from something. Cigs had stopped really providing that (if they ever did) so i stoppped, but i suppose my mind remembers that they at some point gave me a buzz.?

  • jude - i can highly recommend cocaine :D - Just kidding.

    no - i totally get you on this one. I know i'm a junkie. I used to be cool with that fact, (this is why alan carrs easy way quickly became fire wood for me), though recently that changed when i realised that it would ultimately be the death of me and it was meaning that i was living a lesser fulfilled less vibirant and real life.

    i think its quite highly likely that i replace that "hit" with the bodies natural highs. Adrenaline and endorphines.

    i used to skydive for a short while so i think when the money saves up i'll go back and do that maybe, or something similar, hangliding or something. that takes care of the adrenaline side of things.

    then the endophines. well the age old one is sport / exercise / sex.

    well, ive indured my leg and dont have a girlfriend at the moment so thats not looking good :(

    anyway there are other ways aparenly. heres a link for getting the endorphines going naturally -

    I know what you mean though.we probably will always kinda miss that fix to a degree. Im just hoping if i can get my life sorted with loads a fun stuff and get myself real healthy, my brain chemistry will adjust and it will not be noticeable - ill be too busy riding rollercoasters with my face looking like this :eek:

  • ROFL bman - No Cocaine!!! (think would be asking for trouble, rehab , collapsed nose etc.etc. as i know i'd probably like it!) I'm a bit of an OC stimulant addict cos i drink about 6 cans of diet coke a day too.

    Yeah, i also wanted to feel what life is like without addiction, and to enjoy everyday stuff more again. I sort of felt like i'd got to the point where i didn't enjoy anything normal anymore very much, and it was probably gonna take summat like coke to make me feel really good. So stopping smoking and all that rubbishwas trying to get back to feeling good naturally without relying on a hit of something to rev up the neurotransmitters.

    Hmmm, did always wanna try skydiving? Not sure could actually have the nerve tho!

  • Feck, just read that... I have another addiction i didn't even know about! Not only am i addicted to caffeine and chocolate. I'm addicted to those really hot chillies for the endorphin rush!!:D

  • Random rant

    Nearly 6 months now as as some of you'll know I have been rather blue at times on this quit. It hasn't all been to do with stopping smoking.

    Thursday night was a monster crave because I was anxious and scared.

    Friday did not go as I'd hoped, so went for a run (shouldn't as have knacked my hip flexor) had a bath and went to bed early, still avoiding the booze because even now I stupidly think that having a smoke will make it all ok and it won't. If I was still addicted all having a fag would do is lessen the need temporarily, the shit I'm feeling right now would still be there.

    So I guess the message here is that living free of addiction is about feeling the events of life without them being exacerbated by the criminal need for nicotine. The upside; I haven't bought any fags and I know myself well enough to leave the frigging booze alone. More running - the physio is not going to be happy!

    Wish the rain would stop as hate being trapped indoors and am really feeling trapped.

  • Sat outside in the sun earlier, scoffing a pasty and avoiding the seagulls and laughed at the memory of having to sit outside for a fag, sat away from people in the cafe as coffee and pasty were from competing shoppes and gave thanks for no longer smoking.

    Am wondering what the impact of being around such heavy smokers will be - the thought of a second withdrawal crossed my mind. Haven't given in and am repulsed by the wretched smell, everything I own smells minging; becoming quite evangelical, has crossed my mind to order one of those NHS packs on their behalf. Anything to see if they'll take the bait. Sadly though I don't think they want to stop, I've been wanting to stop since I hit 30, stopped smoking in the house and basically did all I could to make smoking as unappealing as possible - I wanted to stop. Wonder what I can say to make them want to quit.

  • But MAH think back to when you were a smoker (and thought you were enjoying it) What, if anything, could anyone have said to stop you?

    I never wanted to stop until suddenly i realised the ridiculousness of spending £80 a week on something that i didn't really enjoy -although I thought i enjoyed it! the madness of the addicted brain))

    I used to get very cross when BF and mum tried to go on about it (nagging.....boring )

    Think it's true that no-one can make an addcit stop, they have to want to do it for themselves.

  • Acceptance

    Cheers for that Jude - your right, peeps will do it when they're ready and not before - being away from it again makes the situation more bearable for me though.

    Anyway the reason for this post, there's a post in 4 months about anger, spent most of my life angry or so it felt when reading about Kubler Ross cycle. Have invested alot of time since first posting this back in September looking at myself, I as with others who've quit, have found the experience to be challenging as it's forced me to think about a lot of things, but whilst trying to find the article early I re-looked at the acceptance part and thought am I now accepting that I will never smoke again and yes I'm accepting I'll never smoke again but still worry about giving in - I do subscribe to eternal vigilance at least for me, I don't doubt that I will arrogantly assume at some point to be exempt from the rules of addiction. At which point I hope that self preservation will prevent me from thinking I can have just one.

    Also coming to accept that although I'd like to be a non smoker I'll always be an ex smoker, because I have smoked and did so for 20 years. I'm no longer a quitter though. Think about the recovery journey, no matter how impatient I am - I'll get through it when I've done my time and earned my stripes - falling asleep for a year and having stopped for a year because of that would be useless once awake again because all the challenges that I have gone through and all the things I've learned would still need to be learned.

    Emotional recovery takes it's time and I'm feeling good - not madly happy but good, calm, satisfied. Even coping with the fact it's the end of the hols for me tomorrow. Perhaps I should start a new post re Monday morning blues - as tomorrow morning I'll sure as s*it have them. And it won't be because I've stopped smoking - it'll be because I'm back at work.

    So until I retire I'm going to have Monday morning blues - next thing to accept and move on over. No fag to mask the pain - just gonna have to live it. And all the fag did was satisfy my self developed nicotine craving anyhow.

    So happy, whole, calm and awake - for the first time in years.

  • Interesting thought for today

    Ever sat and watched a film in early days of your quit that had a smoker in it, ever been so aware of the cigarette?

    I remember watching sin city or something once when I quit and it was hell, its a favourite film so I've also watched it whilst smoking again and was far less aware of the smoking, but did go and spark up.

    Haven't watched it since I quit but it was out on loan.

    There are certain *noir* style films that the cigarette is almost a character in itself, wonder how much this style of heroine has influenced my smoking, being bad?

    As I said intersting thought and will come back to it.

  • I watched some film called 'Genova' a while back where the whole thing was filmed in Italy and there was a young girl on it who was into smoking, and she spent the entire film pretty much with a cig in her hand.. at the time it really annoyed me :) When i watched the film it was much earlier in my quit, and i found myself thinking it was just pointless to focus on the smoking so much

  • Rapidly approaching month 9 and .......

    A curious idea of one cig is presenting itself, wondering why, the answer is I want that relief feeling I use to get when desperate for nicotine and lighting that first fag.

    I don't even believe that I will ever again feel that feeling of relief and can't believe I'm still hankering after it.... what a moron!

    I still firmly believe I'm one of those people who if they're ever stupid enough to have a single puff will start again - I couldn't have one or two fags and not start again, also don't think guilt would be a big issue if I did start again, perhaps disappointment.


  • Could it be anything to do with the terrible 3's being also factor of 3?

    3 hours

    3 days

    3 weeks

    3 months

    6 months

    9 months

    12 months.

    Its a crazy silly mind game thing. Nicotine demon has given up with the full on assault now, he's realised its not working with you, however... he has this set of 'flash cards' all with imagery of cigarettes and smoking related things on them.. and ever so often when you are on a weak or tired moment, he shows one or two of these flash cards to you.. and you pause.. and think of them... and the nicotine demon smiles. Not totally lost yet.

    Unless you see it for what it is right now, and put him back in his place once again.

    I would think its natural to think of the 'just one' to the point you can almost taste it, but lets be honest.. that just one would (from experience), taste like the foulest ashtray ever, wouldn't actually be all that.. and then you would have another one or two, because you felt a bit let down by that first one.. and so the habit and addiction grows once more.. only worse.

    I know you won't have just one M, you know you won't either, but either way there is a lesson in common sense here. On one path you can choose to resist this all the way and stay free, the other path leads to falling off the rails to an extent you can't predict.. and thats 8-9 months of awesome work on your part ruined.. and in would come the guilt, the upset.. and sheer disappointment. Feelings you don't want for yourself, nor any of your friends.

    So no.. you do well to see it for what it is... just a crazy stupid mind game. not as bad as the day 3 week 3 ones.. buts its presenting itself to you nonetheless.

    You need some distraction for those mind wandering moments i'd say.


  • Ruddy eck

    54 days until zee penthouse.


  • Not long now Mel :D:cool::)


  • ls when you say "hankering after relief" of course i get what you mean. But there was RELIEF cos you were addicted andy ou were bringing the nicotne levels up to an acceptable evel. Speaking as someone who frequently lapsed back to it at the start of my quit. Itwas horrid, there was no relief , no fun, nothing at all....If i persisted until i kind of liked it and wanted it again,then i was readdicted to nicotine.

    It's such a junkie myth, that that first one is all we think it's gonna be!

  • The devil riding my back

    Well I give myself 10/10 for fooking stupidity.

    Had a puff on lodgers tab last night, tasted rank but I could easily have kept going, I am an addict and I will always be an addict, perhaps it was the pending anniversary, that gave rise to the gremlin - the feeling of security that I wouldn't get hooked again, the very thing I've always been scared of, so it's back to eternal vigilance.

    What a muppet - don't try this at home kids.

    4 pints of lager, 2 pints of snakey don't count. Alcohol was just an excuse. I realise I've been toying with temptation for quite a few days - plank!

  • Well I give myself 10/10 for fooking stupidity.

    Had a puff on lodgers tab last night, tasted rank but I could easily have kept going, I am an addict and I will always be an addict, perhaps it was the pending anniversary, that gave rise to the gremlin - the feeling of security that I wouldn't get hooked again, the very thing I've always been scared of, so it's back to eternal vigilance.

    What a muppet - don't try this at home kids.

    4 pints of lager, 2 pints of snakey don't count. Alcohol was just an excuse. I realise I've been toying with temptation for quite a few days - plank!


    That equals 50 sit ups and 50 press ups plonker ...:D

    oh throw a few burpees in there too .... and if you feel sick after these tasks it's your own fault :)

  • Hey you.

    Its a bit rubbish. Glad it was not a fall, just a blip. Its hard at this time of a quit. You start to think its cracked, you can wonder to yourself whether you should test yourself and have a puff, would it taste nice, like we all persuaded ourselves it did when we smoked. There can be stuff flying about in your head questioning who you are. This ex smoker who's only ever known a life of smoking, who are they now and what place do they have in a no smoking life. But its a good phase.

    You'll ask yourself alot of questions then hopefully push on through . Its not very often the grass is greener on the other side my little music buddy, but this time its most beautiful and lush.

    xx Fi xx

  • Cheers Bradders and Fi

    You are both right, it is a stupid thing to do and yes the reason was complacence. Thank god I remembered that I would only feel the feeling of relief once I was addicted again.

    Might throw in some burpees etc today.

  • Mah, I'm a bit peeved with you girl! Here you are on the doorstep of the penthouse and everything.....(only kidding-have all been there, it wasn't very nice was it? it's never as nice as you think it's gonna be...)

    I did have a two cigarette slip a week or so ago. You do think you can get away with just one, now that you are not addicted...Some primeval part of my brain lit up alittle bit, and then all i could think of while i was smoking itwas having another one. Henec it was a two cig blip....It could easily have been more, but in terms of actual enjoyment, not much.

  • Jude you need to stop blipping or you'll always be in danger of a back slide.

    Not proud of having a puff but it would be so easy to start again, the main point about being this far along the road is how much easier it is to say no.


  • Ringing in the changes

    As I've been quit for a year, have removed the note on my screen at work and replaced it with one simply saying "NOPE", my home made counter is now showing -3, since entering the penthouse and reading Kevin was good this morning but for inspiration about life in general think it's time to expand the horizons.

    Read earlier about someone who has stayed quit because they never wanted to do the last 3 months again, this theme was also echoed on Kevin's site and this fear of ever having to do any day of this last year again is what has kept me largely on the straight and narrow. The choices made in the early days of the quit, to leave the beer garden when the smokers nearby got to much on day 2 of the quit, to run run run, to not go outside with my friend for a smoke on day 6, to limit the beers, to go home and be surrounded by smokers in their own home. All these choices happened in the first 2 weeks.

    My friends birthday is again this coming weekend (as it should be) but won't be tempted this year as he's at a BBQ, for the best perhaps as try to avoid smokers when have booze on board and it'll probably be this way for ever.


  • Anger

    Have managed to have several really difficult conversations in the last couple of days and having a fag to fortify myself didn't cross my mind, I think using it as a crutch and an excuse has passed now it's the occassional, hmm a fag would be nice, which of course is boll5cks.

    Still feel like wringing someones neck but think that must be different pleasure centre requiring fulfillment.

  • Visiting the peeps who smoke this weekend, have my exit strategy in place.

    Will also be partaking of a skinful of booze too.

    My text of over a year ago still stands, if anyone sees me with a fag in my hand; slap me. Although I'm no longer addicted, I'm still an addict and I never want to quit again.

    Onwards and upwards

  • Visiting the peeps who smoke this weekend, have my exit strategy in place.

    Will also be partaking of a skinful of booze too.

    My text of over a year ago still stands, if anyone sees me with a fag in my hand; slap me. Although I'm no longer addicted, I'm still an addict and I never want to quit again.

    Onwards and upwards

    Have a good visit Mah, all the best with the partaking of the skinful.

    Wish I'd of had a better exit strategy the other night, any exit strategy in fact would have been good.

    Almost 9 months of wondering and wanting to test myself :rolleyes: I did and I won't be doing so again.

    Wringing a neck as an exit strategy? I'll give that thought.

    Good little thread going here Mah. A good point for referring to, more frequenty for me :)

  • Just an update, having just read a thread by Shabba re her friend Damien who died aged 38yrs old.

    I went home last weekend.

    Last Thursday evening, was doing some last minute calls and finally got hold of a friend of mine, I’ve known him since I was 19 (now 36). Having texted, called landline (leaving messages) and emailing, thought I’d give it one last try and see if he was free to meet for coffee and a sandwich Saturday lunchtime. He answered the phone and immediately I noted that he sounded breathless. He had been ill for last 4 weeks and not in work, he had been coughing up blood for 3 to 4 weeks prior to that. (Which to my reckoning means that he became ill around the 23rd May, we’d last seen each other 30th April and gone for beers and a curry, finishing off with some shorties (too full for owt else) in one of the roughest bars in Plymouth, only for locals! (Can’t remember when I started thinking about how ok he’d been the last time I’d seen him.)) And that he was waiting for the results of a biopsy, was having the convo on the ruddy phone, in the car in front of the lad, he was driving and thankfully pulled over, I got out for some privacy but the wind was howling and this made it difficult to hear.

    I told my peeps about my friend and left to see him Saturday morning, picking up some decent food on the way.

    Went to see him Saturday and understandably, he has spent the last month under the duvet and has told no-one what was going on and only told me cos it’s become an issue with my imminent arrival. He’s lost weight and has not been eating well. Basically he’s been so worried and distraught he had stopped “living” totally. He also confessed at this point that the damage he’d alluded to in the past was emphysema – never before had that been so starkly admitted.

    Related this story to another of my peeps, who still smokes, they said that they hoped “when” it happened to them, that they remember it as being “their” choice and to that effect they remained sanguine (or at least that was the inference). Also mentioned this attitude to my friend and he said that he had always been proud of the “hedonistic” life he’d led whilst leading it but after a certain stage you can’t get away with it.

    Got a text yesterday afternoon, although it was confirmed previously that it wasn’t wholly an abscess the biopsy was confirmed yesterday as lung cancer. After a long convo later in the afternoon, a long discussion about next steps and now the checks to see if the cancer has spread and then options. Thinking so glad we’d gone to dinner and had the chance whilst still A1 to have a good non smoking crack.

    Ironically this is the friend who I convinced, through my own quit, to go CT. Who then told his doc he’d quit CT and the doc stood up and shook his hand. I was very proud of that; having a positive impact.

    He is still glad he has quit and the thought of smoking at the moment fills him with disgust, I just wish that when he’d quit, over 20 years ago; before meeting me, he’d remained quit. He probably does too.

    I’m hoping for good news and this is now a long haul situation. I hope he starts eating better and treating his body with respect, the kinder he is to himself the better his chances.

    Ironically about 3 hrs after the last post by me on this thread, found out about my friend.

  • Thanks Chrissie, I'm ok. Just waiting, perhaps still to hit, so much to find out first.

    Have posted the link to you come too, on woofmang's thread earlier and on there, there is a reply, a farmer offered his brother 80 acres of land to quit smoking, the chap said no, you're right - ruddy fags and the real dreadful nature of addiction.

  • I am so sorry to hear your sad news Mel but thank you for being brave enough to share it with us. I wish the best outcome possible to your friend xx

  • Thinking of you Mel, and your friend will be in my prayers tonight.

  • Gosh, that does bring it home.

    Part of me thinks i'm still too young to get anything like this, being only a couple of years younger. I think a lot of people carry on caning it longer now, and don't leave the youthful hedonism behind at 30 .

    Part of me thinks to that i am still too young not to get anything seriouss like this, deswpite recently going to docs with breathlessness and wheezing that i'd ignored while smoking and dismissed as smokers cough/ lungs etc, and actually convincing myself that it was emphysema -luckily it's not, i hope i've quit early enough to escape, but could still be asthma, caused totally by smoking.

    Really hope your friend will be Ok MAH and maybe this will be a wake up call for someone else that damage can already be done even as early as this.

  • Thinking of you Mel, and your friend will be in my prayers tonight.

    Cheers Bev, mucch appreciated.

    Gosh, that does bring it home.

    Part of me thinks i'm still too young to get anything like this, being only a couple of years younger. I think a lot of people carry on caning it longer now, and don't leave the youthful hedonism behind at 30 .

    Part of me thinks to that i am still too young not to get anything seriouss like this, deswpite recently going to docs with breathlessness and wheezing that i'd ignored while smoking and dismissed as smokers cough/ lungs etc, and actually convincing myself that it was emphysema -luckily it's not, i hope i've quit early enough to escape, but could still be asthma, caused totally by smoking.

    Really hope your friend will be Ok MAH and maybe this will be a wake up call for someone else that damage can already be done even as early as this.

    Aye Jude, bit of shock. He is older than me and is actually 63 but still it's come as a shock for someone who enjoyed rude health. And he did cane it beyond thirty.

    Glad you're good Jude, thanks for the response too.

    Im sure you wont mind me putting this on your thread Mel (keep in in my sig)

    Are you watching Jude? Hope quit going well x

    So very sad. I had this old dying man on my desktop when i quit last year and had no idea it was Brian Curtis until I watched this.

    Don't let the nicodeamon win folks


    You're welcome Chrissie, I remember Brian too.


  • Well my friend has had inconclusive results to his test to check for secondary cancers. So he's now in hospital for a week of IV antibiotics, hoping to clear the absess in his lung, have texted but no response, hoping all is alright.

    Have just been reading some peoples posts on day 2 thread and remembering them early days not so much the craves but the nicotine withdrawal which made me thicker than a pair of wool socks. Unable to think just *here* waiting for the whole spongy brain thing to go away.

    Smoking an expensive exercise in russian roulette - it will get you, just need to carry on until when!


  • My friend is still in hospital, spoke with him yesterday and he sounded really wheezy. He's had morphine for pain, he's still on antibiotics for the abscess in his lung and they haven't started on the radiotherapy for the tumour in his lung yet. He's even had oxygen, bit of a surprise all the above considering there was nothing wrong last April. He's quit smoking too and he had damage since last year, he's quit and then got ill. Wonder how much faster it would've been if he hadn't quit when he did, would I have had a night out and a meal with him in April.

    Life eh!

  • Oh gosh - I so sorry to bump this thread up again MAH as I know it is relatively old. But the story about your friend well that is so sad, infact I'm blubbering like a baby. I'm so sorry to hear that, I really am.

    We never think it will happen to us or anyone close to us and then hearing things like this really hits home.

  • Thanks Tinks, still in hospital, not even sure of the situ as the phone for the ward has been broken for a while.


  • Next stop palliative care

    For my friend, he went in for a week of IV antibiotics at the beginning of August and hasn't come out since. The gamut of emotions run have included elation at the thought of surgery to remove tumour and devastation when the abscess didn't clear and the tumor has continued to grow.

    Smoking and the diseases it causes has be amongst the most painful ways to die, more painful than the clawing, screaming crave of addiction, they last for seconds a few minutes at most, dying of cancer and gasping for breath has no relief. Being fatalistic about and saying you have to die of something, might keep you chipper but I'd prefer a massive heart attack running for a bus, preferably having just kept or trying to keep a coffee shop met with friends.

    Considering one week has turned into 8 and now a hospice, can't help thinking that the next stage could be "nothing can be done".

  • I'm sorry, Mah. Do hope you get to see him or at least can have a reasonable chat with him when wished for, on the phone.

    Painful gasps as last days/weeks/even months v taken out by heart attack running after bus during a normal happy even boring day?

    Stark message but a good one M :)

  • I'm sorry to hear that MAH. It does put everything into prospective about smoking and smoking diseases. I to hope you get to see/speak with him.

  • My friend died this morning, he managed to give up the smokes but the damage had been done already.

    He died exhausted and weary, he died too early for him. He died before he was old enough to retire. He died before he was ready too.

    Goodbye....and thanks for the music...for being a friend who had opinions, with whom I lived a life and reveled in the life lived.

  • I've just started reading this thread from the beginning now MAH.

    I'm so sorry for your friend... I don't think there's much else I can say. I'm sure nothing can make you feel better right now, but know that you have all of our support.

    Deaths due to cigarettes are just pointless, tragic and unnecessary.

  • Cheers Sofia


  • MAH, i'm so sorry for your friend, and so sorry for you too. Hold those happy times you had together in your thoughts and remember them, too often we remember the bad and overlook the happier times, it's certainly a lesson I have learnt in recent years.

    Lorraine :)

  • I'm so sorry MAH to hear this sad, sad news. I don't really know what else to say other than you have our support and our thoughts are with you

  • My absolute sincere condolences, and yet, even though so very sad, at least he did get the chance to breath real fresh air towards the end.

    hang in there M.


  • Sorry to hear this mel. Only just read it.

  • Cheers Jase, Jude

    He did indeed, just a shame he didn't stop sooner.


  • reasons

    1. i dont want to die of cancer

    2. i could use extra money in my pocket

    3. i dont want to play with cancer anymore it could kill me so scrue that

    4. it gives you bad breath like kissing an ashtray

    5. stains clothes and stinks out the house

    6. it could make me impotent

    7. causes aging of the skin

    8. stains teeth

    9. stains fingers well rolys do anyway

  • Afternoon All

    Feeling a little reflective today, perhaps because I've just been tidying away some of the "post it's" around the screen at work and my badge saying NOPE - has been folded in half ready for the bin, have not intended to keep it. It has faded from bright orange to a dull washed out .... orange.

    Then the thought struck me - all the people who went before me - who've posted here or elsewhere about complaisance - about thinking you don't need to worry about the nicodemon anymore. Most of the time I don't, think I will always need to keep my guard up when there is booze about as after a conference recently, a friend of mine who smoked popped outside and I popped outside with her. Only her refusing to give me a fag...... Never said I wasn't a chancer - especially with my life it would seem.

    Am also around my friend's tomorrow night, who's birthday bash I went on 6 days or so after quitting. Am very glad I am still quit.

    As I say it's been a reflective day, have been wearing a pair of shoes bought for a specfic event in Jan 2009, my friend who died of lung cancer recently, was at that bash. Been thinking of him. Christmas is coming and our annual pilgrimage to a local theatre (which tends to do a slightly off the wall take on traditional children's christmas fare) has sent out it's mail - we'd normally be working out which evening and what seats shortly.


  • Am back in the bosom of my family and boy does it stink.

    The walls are yellow, anything worn stinks of their fag smoke and everything I've brought here will need to be drycleaned or washed.

    Hacking coughs, filthy ash and there is absolutely nothing to explain the lunacy other than addiction.

    Why did we do it, because we had too, because we were addicted.

  • Yuck.... you describe how I grew up! My grandpa's things were all yellow, walls, clothes, finger nails, skin even I think..... and I remember this smell that clung to me, my clothes, my favorite stuffed animal.... when I grew older, I smoked with him.... he was coughing so hard at that point, he couldn't keep up with me, we chain smoked together and I thought that was normal.

    He died alone though, passed out on the floor having suffocated on the tar he coughed up.... twas all over the walls, tar and blood.....

    Addiction..................... so horrible. It wasn't easy to quit, never wanted to hear those horror stories when I was a smoker.... now I read them..... I read them during times I feel tempted.... keeps me on the path.

    Shite post.... sorry, Mel.... wishing you a very happy New Year, smoke free, healthy, happy, and all that. Love XXX bella

  • Me too. I remember my mum, in the last weeks of cancer, still puffing away and the ashtray mountains she and my dad used to make. Stinking and horrible. I agree, you avoid the stories when you are smoking then read in horror when you've quit. Andy has now had a heart scare, he is on beta blockers and asprin and still he smokes. Its frightening.

    However, today is New Years Eve, (where are you in that Bells? I am too befuddled to work it out!) and next year will be awesome I reckon!

  • Sorry to hear that Fi, hope it makes Andy determined to quit again.

    Not shite at all Bells, it's true, whilst you smoke;you delude yourself into believing you've heard and seen all there is about smoking but you don't really accept the truth until you quit and for all those who restart I imagine there is a con game going on in the head to lessen the horror of what is learnt and accepted when quitting, all that knowledge needs to be overwritten to allow us to continue smoking.

    Most of us who smoke grew up with parents/elders who smoked, many of whom died due to smoking related illnesses. Sometimes we continued to smoke through their dying - addiction it's that strong, it demands that sort of loyalty - blind loyalty.


  • I agree Mah, I have had family hear over New Year and the smell is repulsive and they don’t even realise it the same as we didn’t, when I lost my Mum to Lung Cancer that she and the rest of us didn’t know she had got, I tried to justify my own smoking in that I smoked 15 a day and she was a heavy smoker 40 a day, took me 10+ years after she died to give up and as you said I read all that I should have read before but I was too scared to do it while I smoked, why was I scared I ask, because I knew that it would force me to quit and at the time I was too weak and scared to do it, my friend who is in remission from Lung and Brain Cancer is awaiting a scan this month to find out whether a nodule they found three months ago is anything to worry about, I think Pete is worried any way and I know he wishes he had quit years ago, it’s never too late though as he keeps telling me.

    I cry for all those that left it too late like your friend, but I am sure he is looking down on you thinking that at least you have done it.

    For all the doom that is in that post I still wish you all A Happy New Year.

  • Thank you everyone. I completely agree that smokers have to lie to themselves all the time, and that is what ,makes our behaviour to smokers a conundrum- I cant collude with their lies but I feel such compassion for the fix they are in. It is tough.

  • Just posted on the stats thread about a friend leaving a pack of fags at mine and just how untempting this is.

    This is actually momentous, when I first quit people had to put butts in bin and preferably not smoke at mine, cos I've re-lit butts on previous failed quits.

    Could I ever imagine being at this stage in the early days, I would never have believed myself strong enough.

    To all coming behind, it is worth it.


  • That's wonderful MAH - well done you!

  • 16500

    Today I haven't smoked 16500 death sticks - according to that quit counter anyhoo

  • 18,700 cigs not smoked - yeah!

  • 674 days since I entered the penthouse, how cool!


    Almost three years (all bar the shouting) wonderful.....

    'Nuff said :D

  • how cool!

    Really, Really Kool :cool:


    Almost three years (all bar the shouting) wonderful.....

    'Nuff said :D

    Very true the satisfaction of the ticking over last night into 2 years 11 months still brought a sigh of sweet satisfaction.

    Really, Really Kool :cool:

    Very kewl, just wondering if I'll bother with a 3 year treat, feel like I've treated myself alot over the last 3 years.

  • What a star Mah!! Massive congrats and make sure you DOtreat yourself you deserve it:)

    Not long for you now Una, you must be chomping at the bit, are you ready for your one year post?

  • Go MAH :cool:


    And in keeping with the GG training ..

    Roni Size


  • Go MAH :cool:


    And in keeping with the GG training ..

    Roni Size


    Cheers PP, ruddy smooth choon choice you had there... sneaked my earphones in and tried not to nod my heed.

    Cake looks scrummy too, lemon drizzle in the mix tomorrow night as can't see me having the energy when I get in tonight to do two. The kids are probably going to end up with giant muffin too.

    Roll GG, where Jude?

  • Ashtrays

    Just empited the ashtray from the smokers at last friday night's dinner party.

    The weather was so bad that the gazebo is heading for the bin, the metals poles bent and sheared by the extreme winds....the smokers still went out though.

    So having had a little look at woofmang earlier decided to post. The ashtray had been rained on and was full to the brim of soggy butt ends and it was never a small ashtray to begin with. There was only 1 real smoker at dinner and 2 part timers. At the dining table 2 ex smokers, an drunken occassional smoker (who claims to hate smoking), a cigar smoker who reckons they don't smoke but only 1 real never smoker.... Out of 8.

    Emptying out that ashtray I'm glad I've quit but the nicodemon still lurks, at times saying just one. 3 years later he's just easier to ignore.

  • 42months - always remember the half year as it was my grandma's birthday. So glad I quit, just wished I had sooner.

    Cheers ppt

  • Hi Mah. I want more. Are you stillsurrounded by smokers? do you still crave. How is your health. Oh and massive congratulations!

  • Have read this from the start...interesting to read about your journey MAH x

  • 4 years on 31st May

    Remembered that it was 4 years mid May, then promptly forgot again. One day I`ll read through this again to remind me. So glad I quit, just wish I'd the determination/fear/desperation year's before I did.

    In the time of this blog, I lost a close long term friend and then a good buddy on here.RIP Davo. I've met several great people, visited ancient cities, went to festivals/gigs and expanded my life immeasurably, just through deciding to quit on this site.

    So, to all coming behind me, the view is great up here. Keep going, each minute you say no makes you stronger than before.

  • :)

    So good to see you on here and still going strong


    Sorry to read you lost someone close :( and as for David it dont seem possible it wilbe a year in afew weeks since we lost the great man from this place he is still missed by so many people especially his daily offerings his support and determination not to give into his smoking demon

    take care hun x

  • Seems hard to believe but only think of fags when drinking..... can't even remember my anniversaries.... never would've believed that on 1st June 2009....

  • Wow.....:)

    Nice one, Mah, and very good to meet you. :D

  • 5 years! Amazing stuff, so pleased you posted after all this time too, very encouraging for those of us still in the early days :)

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