Firstly I would like to aplogise if I am posting this in the wrong place. Secondly I like to say hello & introduce myslef to everyone & possibly ask for some help if I may.
My name is Caroline (or Caz for short) & I'm 21, sadly I've been smoking since the age of 11. To start off with obviously I wasn't a 'full-blown' smoker but over the years my dependency has increased & I now smoke 25-30 a day average.
Deep down I know I hate smoking yet I just can't seem to kick the habit. I've lost count of the number of times I have tried to quit and have tried everything from cold turkey to hypnotherapy, patches to champix - & any other method you can think of inbetween I've been there.
The most I ever lasted smoke-free was 6 months. These days I can't even manage half a day, the 'I'm going to quit routine' now consists of me smoking the last one in my pack & telling myself before I go to sleep that will be it. No more smoking. Then I wake up, the first thing I think of is smoking & before I know it I've been to the shops & have a fag hanging out of my mouth. It's like I don't even think anymore, like its some sort of sub-concious activity.
I feel so helpless & weak, smoking is killing me yet I feel I have no strenght left to fight it anymore.
On the 7th July 2008 my beautiful Grandad was diagnosed with satge IV lung cancer which consisted of two tumors - one on each lung. I was devestated. I attened every single hopsital appointment with him & nusred him through his journey. I watched him turn from a man who was as strong as an Ox to a man who couldn't even put on his own socks because he was so out of breath within a matter of months.
On his last visit to the hospital he was told nothing more could be done for him & that he had around six months left to live. My beautiful Grandad lost his fight a mear three days later on Friday 28th November 2008 at 9am. One of the tumors had grown round several veins within his lung and these burst open. He bleed out his lifes blood externally into the kitchen sink before colapsing backwards and dying on the kitchen floor. He was 70 years old - much too young in my eyes.
My Grandad was my life & no amount of words can express how much I miss him, I went to visit him in the chapel of rest before he was cremated & I made him a promise that throghout my life I would do everything I could to make him proud & that one day I would give up smoking, because although my Grandad never moaned at me about the amount I was inhaling I knew deep down he didn't like me smoking as I'm sure most Grandad's would.
I want to fulfill my promise to my Grandad & you would think that this alone would be enough motivation for me to quit. So why can't I? I hate smoking. I hate that it stole my beautiful Grandad away from me & I'm scared that I'll go the same way.
The fact that I can't seem to kick the habit has knocked my confidence so badly I feel I will be trapped forever. A sea a black surrounds me & I can see no way of breaking free.
Any help anyone can give me would truly be greatly appriciated & applogies for the lenght of this post but I felt I had to get my feelings out.
Thank-you all for listening & thank-you in advance to anyone with some words of wisdom to give me the kick start I need.