Fell off my horse

Well i was doing so well i got one month quit but i felt i could not go any further because it was getting so hard and hated times i just felt so lost.So i had a cigarette Wednesday think i have smoked about 20 cigarettes since i broke. Before i broke i had the thoughts like you can control it this time just dont smoke much its just getting to hard and you dont want to be unhappy all your life....Maybe i could control if i really tryed but i think i still would not be happy.

Ive become a secret smoker because i feel ashamed to tell my girlfriend im smoking again.The past couple of days ive enjoyed some of the cigarettes..Mainly those special ones...Like after meal or with tea and my best one when im drinking larger.But what drives me crazy now is all head games the one side of my mind wants to smoke and the other side does not.And then i feel so ashamed and low because i was doing so well and got so far.

Yet when i have that cigarette in my hand all them thoughts vanish and i feel complete for that one moment.I want to quit tomorrow but really not sure if my head is in the right place to quit again just yet.Because i dont want to quit and then smoke again...Ive been quiting in here since April to many attempts to count.

lee x

15 Replies

  • Just go and get back on your horse

    soory to hear that you've fell of your horse:(

    I've been in your situation so many times that I've lost count!!

    I have been the secret smoker as well( but the truth is that everyone knows because they can smell it on you!!) so really the only person I was kidding that I was still not smoking was myself.

    Am on day 4 of this quit this time I'm using champix and to be honest am feeling great:) I know that at the moment I can still have a smoke but to be honest I really don't want one!!

    So the only advice I can give to you, is to come clean and tell your girlfriend that you have slipped up but that you are going to try again.

    All the best and don't feel to bad, it happens to most of us, the only thing we can do is try again.


  • Oh bad luck :( sorry to hear that.

    I tried keeping that from my fiancé, but she'd already guessed. The whole sneaking off under the pretence of, just going the shop.. just going to the garage to fill up with petrol ready for morning.. just going to.... in the end i got fed up of the secret smoker idea and just as i was saying i was smoking again, she said, 'god it was obvious!' I tried to hide that so well.

    That was last time.. and indeed the time before that.

    You'll try again as soon as you are ready, but this next time, don't let that first one ever get the chance.

    Good luck for that. sorry again to hear you fell off.

  • Hello Ace,

    That horse needs more training!!

    Get back on and keep firm control of the reins. Horses like that will sometimes buck, but if you stay focused and hold tight then you'll find that you can stay in the saddle and next time they decide to play up they won't be quite as hard to calm down either. :cool:



  • I guess the thing about quitting is you have to be in the right frame of mind to and you don't really seem to be at the moment. I guess when you are in the right frame it shouldn't be a problem for you because you now know what it feels like to do a whole month and can battle the hardest stages of the non smoking thing. The thoughts always go away, I still get them from time but there no where near as bad as they used to be. When you really want to quit you will and it wont be so much of a battle with yourself and your brain all the time..

    At lest your trying that's the main thing and no one can fault you for that, I once seen a quote somewhere "that trying to quit smoking it better then not wanting to stop at all." You can do it and one day you will walk over it with ease and ask what all the fuss was about, I think you should ask for more support from the NHS next time to make life easier on yourself and maybe try another/different approach at it, and see if that helps.

    Sorry you didn't do it this time but there will be plenty of more times you can try, even if you fail again you can keep trying and trying and no one will think any less of you because we all know how hard you are trying, and how hard it is to give up. Just keep at it when the time comes round again and that's all, anyone can do.

  • Right!!!

    A Few questions for you:

    1. Was there a particular situation or set of small niggly things that happened over a period of time and one of them just set you off on a mission for a fag!!??

    2. Did lighting up and smoking a fag fix the problem or just create a bigger one?

    Sometimes you cant find the answers you are looking for untill someone asks you the right questions - lets get to the bottom of why you fell off!!

    I2getherT (in it together) Hopefully we can help each other


  • Hi

    Thanks everyone you have cheered me u a little. Your right nic my horse does need more training....Im going to tell my girlfriend that i fell off tonight.

    Kelu it was number 1 i kept getting niggly thoughts and feeling so lost then they just got stronger and stronger and took away my ambition to stay quit. When i smoked i did feel liberated untill today. Because i think the truth is that im just a slave to the nicotine demons. So maybe a bit of both but number 1 came first.

    lee x

  • I'll tell you what my fiancé told me as this may well help.

    She said...

    'I was more upset with you being unable to tell me you'd started again, than you actually sneaking off for a smoke'

  • Some might say you can't learn to ride the horse properly without falling off a few times along the way?

    Just get back on the horse as soon as possible:D

  • Ok well knowing what made those feelings stronger is definately a good thing however the best thing you have learnt is that it did not take long for you to want to quit again did it!!

    Next time just remember Yes you can have a fag - the drug being pumped into body will starve your brain of oxygen making you feel light headed - you will confuse this feeling as something pleasurable (we all do for some weird reason even though it is horrible) You will want this one cigerette to give you a feeling of great satisfaction BUT it wont live up to its expectations - you will smoke a few or a lot more trying to re convince yourself that you enjoy smoking after you get used to being a smoker again which does not take very long you will decide you want to quit again and you will wonder why you ever doubted your decision to quit in the first place!!! I have been through this so many time litterally every couple of months for the past prob 7 years its like torture!!!

    Is this anything similar to what you would go through????


  • Thanks

    Thanks jase i should be able to tell her everything. Yeah falling off the horse is part of the quit im going to stop feeling down and back on that horse. One thing im good at is when i fall off it dont take me long to get back on the horse.

    kelu you have got that spot on and i can relate to that so much.I was at first convined that i really wanted to stay smoking...I think will maybe i still can convince myself after all i smoked for years and never felt doubt back then.Why do i doubt now? Im off to the pub tonight so going to smoke tonight.Then tomorrow is a new month so going to get back on that horse and try and ride towards that sunset.

    I have got to quit tomorrow because like alot of people say there is never a good time to quit i can make up to many excuses, heres some of mine--->

    I work outdoors and i can smoke as much as i want, Smoking is great to take a break at work, Most of the people i work with are smokers, Im going on holiday August 22 for a week how will i do that smoke free.

    Its all in the mind but its very hard to stop having them thoughts

    lee x

  • Hi Lee :D

    I'm so sorry to read this after all that hard work and you fell off the bloody horse

    but pleased you're starting again tomorrow and this time you'll do it


    Marg xxxxxxxxxx

  • Me too. quit before, exactly the same, lets just go through each day as it comes

    Ive gone up to 6 months before and when I was 20, I wish i could wind back the clock :confused:

    see you back here early on and go from there!

    best of luck and enjoy the last ones tonight

    lets try together

  • dear ace,i honestly couldn,t count the amount of times i have tried and failed in my 45 yrs habit.

    you will try again when you are ready.

    im always on my guard,and very grateful for every day smoke free.

    i wish you well,and hope to see you back soon

    love doey xxxx

  • lee, i feel sorry for you, & me (i am now all alone in jolly junes group!!boo hoo) only messing, it is blimin hard this quit thing, im going through a spell of okay at the mo, but how long that will last who knows?

    just be proud of how far you did, okay so wot youve had some fags..dosnt mean youre gonna be a smoker forever, & also it must be doubley hard to smoke when you want & all youre workmates smoke eek, dont think i could cope with that...didnt realise - so congratulate yourself for all them days you didnt smoke, & get yourself up for the quit again whether it be tomorrow, next week, or next month...dont put pressure on yourself & also im glad youre telling your fiance about smoking again coz i was a secret smoker for a while before this quit infact my whole family still thought id quit apart from my OH....so my support as been mainly from this forum & my OH. & believe me its not nice to do it secretly just messes with youre head a lot more

    anyway good luck & hope to see you back on soon

    ps have a good night have one for me x

  • Well i was doing so well i got one month quit but i felt i could not go any further because it was getting so hard and hated times i just felt so lost.So i had a cigarette Wednesday think i have smoked about 20 cigarettes since i broke. Before i broke i had the thoughts like you can control it this time just dont smoke much its just getting to hard and you dont want to be unhappy all your life....Maybe i could control if i really tryed but i think i still would not be happy.


    Go and read nosmokingday.org.uk/forum/s...

    Very best of luck, you've done a month before - of sheer hell getting there, I imagine the reason why the fags feel so good is because you've recently spent so long denying the urge and reprogramming your mind and body. Do you think in a month or year the fags will still be so fab?

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