Marriage

[SadMad]

Has anyone had marriage trouble going thru all of this? I am afraid that my husband is waiting until I get a transplant and am better before he leaves me. He said he would never leave me and will always love me but since all this has happened, I feel like we are just roommates. He even started sleeping in a separate room. I can't even talk to my sister about this, who used to be my best friend, because she seems closer to him than I am. He says I am just being paranoid. I do see a therapist about once a month but feel like there isn't anyone to talk to anymore. He doesn't even hold me anymore when I am upset like he used to do.

[Ry_Den]

I can tell through my own transplant experience that it is a difficult event to go through for nearly everyone in your life who cares about you; of course it is very difficult for the transplant patient as well; everyone handles stress differently. I think that having an open, honest conversation with your husband about what he is feeling might be beneficial for both of you. I know that with my wife I downplayed how sick I was, and I know that doing that made her worry even more. It took some open conversations between us to get past our seeming communication gap. He may be feeling fearful for your health but doesn't want to tell you this because you're already dealing with so much and doesn't want to add to your stress.

[tas1kubra]

Hello SadMad

Sorry to hear the extra burden you are carrying. Each marriage has its own dynamics, and also every person reacts differently, when their spouse going through such a difficult phase. So I think there are two sides of this situation. First one is sometimes we (I have CKD, too) focus on our disease and everything related to that so much, sometimes its hard for us to catch the clues around us. For example, I realize I worry too much about myself and my disease, I do not spend time with my family and my husband. In the long run, this is also unpleasant for people around me. But I am not mentioning this as blaming myself, this is only self-criticism. So I tend to be more blind to my around, and this is not sustainable.

On the other-hand, you have a lot in your plate. Believe me, we have been to a therapy with my husband because of this disease and its effects. I must admit that my husband is a very understanding person, but somehow -still without understanding why- I could also make drove him crazy, too. Our therapist tried to drive attention to how much our reactions to very same situation be, and it is always important to communicate with each other. So I would definitely suggest you to communicate with your husband in a very open manner. Also with your sister as well. They are very important for you, a limited communication with them also returns as extra stress to you.

So, talk to your husband, and listen to him. See how he reacts. And then share your experiences with us again. And sincerely, believe me, we all have similar problems.

[BabyTee]

My husband and I turned into "just roommates" after I had the PD catheter installed in my abdomen. Sometimes I would tell him I needed to cuddle for a little while. He would accommodate me. Women get endorphins from hugs and cuddling, but men don't. It actually makes women feel better physically, but not men. I had to be a bit forward with him, because my hubby is an engineer (aka socially impaired). I think he distanced himself from me, because he was so worried about me. I looked horrible, and the transplant surgery is serious enough to warrant them telling you to "make sure all of your affairs are in order, just in case." I know that made him more nervous.

After my transplant, and I was in the hospital, I told him "it would make me feel better if he'd kiss my forehead before he left (our hospital kicked you out at 7pm unless the patient was a minor). He kissed my forehead, and then my lips, which shocked me. Probably the first time since I started dialysis (about 2 years). Since about a few days after I came home and started making him walk with me outside, he started flirting with me. I wasn't expecting that. I think he is getting more relaxed now that I am improving. We don't realize how horrible we look when we get sick enough to be on dialysis. I think it is reasonable for anyone to be scared about losing someone they love.

I do agree with the other posters that communication is important, but my husband would never say he is worried about me and that is why he is distancing himself. I also did not know how to express my feelings, because I hated dialysis so much. Perhaps your sister and husband are just emotional support for each other, because they don't want you to feel burdened by how worried they are about you. Also, depending on your situation, he might be worried about finances.

I always tell my hubby how grateful I am for him, and I try to be specific. I learned this from a coworker who told me that his wife makes honey-do lists for him and after he completes each item, she thanks him specifically for each completed item. He said he doesn't mind the cores, because she thanks him.

I also, probably too often, tell him how much I appreciate him. He will not notice if I don't tell him specifically what I need or want.

Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers. I saw in another post you said you were hoping for a kidney this summer. We'll see if my prayers help or not.

😊

[SadMad]

I gained weight when I quit smoking about a year and half before dialysis. He was never one to have a lot of sex but it became to never. He is 9 years younger than me. I am 58 & he is 49 which my sister will be in July. His mother passed away the end of 2016 and he has never been the same. He does nothing but work, drink too much beer, and watches TV or videos on his phone and plays video games. His to do list is long and he is always going to do something on the weekend or after work, but never does. We have been together for 21 years and married for 8 years. I carried him pretty much the first 10 years or so until he grew up. He has a great job now but smokes and drinks beer almost every night. He himself owes on credit cards. I don't know how he will get ahead. Cigarettes and beer are very expensive these days. I guess the beer is his medicine. I did confront him about six months ago and he no longer finds me attractive but will always love me. He said he had been unhappy for years. He stays and we watch TV together and cook together. I don't think he will ever get over his mom's death. He also has had to deal with my depression and anxiety. I have been great as far as depression. I just try to do stuff that I can to ease the burden on him. I can't afford to be without him. So we are like roommates. He does his thing and I do mine. He deserves to be happy. I need him to do stuff on the honey list but will not nag him. One Day at a Time!!! 🙏🙏🙏

[Gardner-NY in reply to SadMad]

Hello SadMad, I read all the posts. My spouse had his first kidney transplant over 3.5 yrs ago and we have been married over 40 yrs. WHat I have always realized is that we both at times are bad communicators. He tends to keep things to himself like a tight clam and I like to have things bothering me discussed in a calm, not accusing way with him. It sounds like to me , it would benefit you both to see a counselor together. I see a counselor for over 20 yrs for assorted reasons because I find it helps me in our marriage but he has always refused to go see someone. So I do this for my own improvement. I find the #1 thing that we both seem to get into trouble with is open communication. FInd a time and day and make it an appointment to sit down in front of each other and each person talks while the other person just listens and not interrupt and the other person has their time. DO this without distractions happening in the house. Having transplant issues happening in a marriage makes any relationship at times unstable due to how people keep their thoughts to their own self due to not burdening the other person. TO me I dislike this. I'd rather hear how my spouse is feeling. I am his only caregiver when he needs me in that role. THe covid19 isolation is our biggest problem now . WE are not around people/friends longer than March 2020, it is since Dec 2018 due to his health after transplant. THe isolation is at times driving us both nuts. I have yet to meet anyone who has experienced 3.5 yrs of living this way yet. I wish you all the best.

[SadMad in reply to Gardner-NY]

Thank you. He won't do counseling. I have a therapist and my daughter. My sister suggest I change my appearance like a normal hair color. I have been dying my hair for yours. But in the last year I had it cut short and right now it is light and dark teal. I refuse to change that part of myself as I love my hair color and get many compliments about it. He can't be that shallow. He has never been the same since December of 2016 & then my problems and COVID haven't help. I am just going on being me. I have tried to please people all my life, so now I am going to please me and whatever will be will be. Stay strong and God Bless You & Everyone on here.🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[Gardner-NY in reply to SadMad]

Hi SadMad again, I reread the posts and to me your spouse is still not coping after his mother died in 2016 and deep down 'that' is the culprit of the problems for him and other life events just pile on top of that unresolved grief. I am so very sorry his mom died, but its awful he won't get help for his own self which would allow him to become his "real self' that allowed you guys to fall in love with each other long ago. I am sorry this has happened to you as a couple.