A Carpet Layer has, just finished laying, a beautiful 'blue patterned' carpet in a Ladies home. Checking his 'handiwork', he notices a, considerable bulge in the middle of the floor- he also can't find his cigarettes. "Oh s-d it, I'm not taking up the whole dam carpet, for a packet of smokes" he thinks, to himself. So, taking his block hammer, he knocks the carpet flat.
Just as he is clearing up the Lady, comes in, and hands him his cigarettes "I found these in the hall" she explains, then askes " By the way, have you seen my HAMPSTER?"!
What is the, very last thing, that goes through a 'bugs' mind, when it hits your windscreen (windshield, for any Americans reading this)? It's A*se!
What is worse than finding a maggot, in an apple? Finding HALF a maggot!
I could ask 'what is green, then goes red. A frog, in a blender' but that is too 'nasty', so I won't tell that one! So I'll settle for... How do you make a Swiss Roll, push him down a hill.
Say, to someone, "If you get 'Iced Cream', by putting cream in a freezer and you get 'Iced Banana', from putting a banana in the freezer....What do you get if you put 'Ink' into a freezer?" There reply, should be, 'Iced Ink' (I stink), to which you reply "You are telling me!"
What have you got, if you have a 'small green ball' in each hand? Kermit, the frog's undivided attention! (That should NOT be read, until after the 'watershed', so, if you have, forget it until nine.)
Ok something, a lot, more innocent... Did you here about the theft, from the Laundrette? Apparently thieves stole all the washing powder, then made a CLEAN getaway!
A man is running, full pelt, down the road "Are you 'Training For a Race'"? askes a passer by "No" replies the man "I'm 'Racing For A Train'!"
A group, of men, are talking about their dogs. The first man says "My dog can run at Ten miles an hour, Lick that.", the second says "That's 'nothing', my dog can run at Twenty miles an hour, Lick that", the third says "They are both 'slowcoaches', mine can run a Thirty miles an hour, Lick that" The final man says "well my dog has a dirty A*SE...."
Ok enough of the 'Horrible' jokes..... Folks
AndrewT
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AndrewT
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Thank you Andrew. I was feeling so down today and you made me feel better. Like many of the recovering transplant folks, I was having of day of "will I never feel good again?" You made me get past that. Thanks!
I'm glad that I, managed to, cheer you... Jokes apart, that IS important. I'm in the 'Same Boat', as you Ynnep, through currently I have put Bubble Gum, in the holes- 'Bailed Out', the Bilge (on water term for, Dirty Engine Water- basically) so I AM Afloat!
Make you smile, good bit of 'macabre' humour.... A man calls a Taxi, gives a destination, then settles back, for the ride. About half an hour later, he remembers that he 'needs' flowers- for the Ladies Guild (or some other organisation). The man, leans over, to attract the Drivers attention.... The Driver screams, goes 'deathly pale', starts shaking and 'clearly' wets himself. This continues, for some minutes before the poor man, finally stops shaking. Even though he is still breathing heavily. Some time later, the Cabbie, pulls over and turns to address, his passenger "I'm ever so sorry, about that Sir.... It's just that, for the last fifteen years, I have been driving Hearses!
Why did the Skeleton run away, from the dog? Because it was after his Bones!
A Ghost walks (floats, glides- it's not important) into a bar, the bar-man says "Sorry Sir, I'm not allowed to serve 'Spirits', in here!"
Slightly 'dirty' one... not too bad though. An old Man, goes to the Doctor complaining of Constipation. The Doc suggests Suppositories and tells the man, to see him, the following week. When the man returns, the Medic asks "How are you getting on, with the Suppositories?" The man, tells him "Actually, if anything, my Constipation is Worse." "You have been 'Using' them have you?" enquires the Doctor "Well, of course I have" replies the Old Boy "what, do you think I've been 'Doing'.... Sticking them up my A*se!"
A Man is running, absolutely 'flat out', through a Hospital- pursued by a 'Bucksome Nurse, carrying a Large Basin Of Hot Water. A Doctor suddenly intervenes "Oh NO Nurse... I said to 'Prick His Boil!'"
How do you know that ET had three 'balls'? Why else would he be called The Extra Testicle!
A young boy, goes 'running' into his Father. "Dad, Dad, the Invisible Man is at the door" "Oh, tell him that 'I CAN'T SEE HIM'" replies his dad.
What gets Bigger the more you Take Away? Answers on a Postcard (Remember them?) What goes UP but never Down? What is Yours but Other People 'use' far more?
Interrogation at the Nursey.... "What's 'That' askes the young girl" "It's my Moustache Jenny" relies the Care Worker. "What's it 'for'" persists Jenny "It isn't 'for' anything, it's just a Moustache" says the worker, slightly irritated. "Can I have one, please" continues Jenny. "Look, you Can't have one, because you are a Girl" snaps the Worker. "Well my GRANDMA'S got one"!
Finally, for this 'lot' anyway.... Why is 'ten' scared? Because seven ate (eight) nine!
A few more, for you..... This IS a bit 'naughty' but again, but funny.... For this, you have to imagine, too children- a boy and a girl-probably around Five to Eight years old. They are both on bicycles, with 'outriders', or tricycles- peddling away....
The boy, turns to the girl, and says "My Dad's got a car, worth two hundred pounds", after a time the girl replies "Well my Dad's got a car, worth three hundred pounds". "Well my Dad's 'other car' is worth five hundred pounds" says the boy. "Well my Dad's 'other car' is worth a thousand pounds" says the girl. "Well my Dad's got a House worth Fifty thousand pounds"... "Well my Dad's house is worth a Hundred thousand pounds"...."Well my Dad's 'other' house, is worth two hundred thousand pounds"... "and my Dad's other' other house' is worth a Million pounds"... "well My Dad's other, other house, is worth Ten Million Pounds".. "Well my Dad's Other, Other, Other House is worth Two hundred Billion Pounds".. "Well My DAD'S OTHER, OTHER, OTHER, OTHER HOUSE IS WORTH 'FIFTY MILLION, SQUILLION, BILLION, ZILLION POUNDS!" storms the little girl. At which point, the young boy, pulls down his trousers "Bet you haven't got, one of these" Not to be 'outdone', the girl pulls down her knickers "My Mummy says that, if I've got, One of THESE I can One of THOSE Anytime!"
After That 'Marathon', some shorter ones... An older lady is 'admiring herself', in the bedroom mirror. "My Consultant says that I have the 'Body' of a twenty-year-old". "Oh yes, replies her husband "and what does he say about your Eighty Year Old A*RSE?". To which the lady replies "We Never discuss you dear"....
A lady is 'in bed', with her Husband's Best friend, and the Phone rings the lady answers it.... "Who was that" asks her Lover. "Oh" replies the lady "that was my Husband" the man looks worried "oh don't worry... He's 'playing darts, All Night'....with you!"
Please DON'T be offended, by this, if you are Jewish it's just a bit of fun.... A Jewish Grandmother, is on the beach, with her Grandson. Suddenly a 'rouge' wave washes, the Child, into the sea. The Poor Woman immediately falls to her knees "Oh Dear God...Please, Please, PLease, Don't 'take' my only Grand-Child PLEASE!" As if, to answer, her Prayer another wave deposits the- wet, ruffled but otherwise unharmed child- back onto the beach. "Oh Thank you God, Thank You, Thank you, THANK YOU!" says the Grandmother, breaking down completely, before adding "Just One 'thing'... There was a HAT".
To finish, this 'lot'... One of Maureen Lipman's "What is the Difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Grandmother?" "Sooner, or later, the Rottweiler gives up!" Do you remember her character 'Beetie", that she used in the British Telecom adverts.? Her Books are hilarious too.
Hello Andrew T, You did it again, made me laugh! I had surmised from previous messages that you seem to be located in the UK. Obviously, I am in the US. So here's my "joke" for you. Years ago when I was working, I was assigned the task of working with a VERY smart gentleman from London. He was a database consultant and programmer. It had been my experience that programmers were not very talkative/friendly. However, that was not the case with James. I had an occasion to explain to him something that the Powers That Be (bosses) wanted to see in the new database. After a long discussion, James indicated that it would be so much easier for him if I spoke English. I replied that I had a great command of the English language and James replied that I didn't speak English, I spoke American. For years afterward we frequently had a laugh or two about the fact that although we spoke "different" languages, we communicated very, very well. We lost touch after I retired, but I do think of James once and awhile. Best Wishes James wherever you are.
I hope that, your friend. James reads this. About Language 'Differences'...
We have a final Alphabet Letter Z, pronounced 'Zed', you pronounce this as 'Zee'. We have a 'Pavement', you have a 'Sidewalk', we have a 'Bonnet and Boot', you have a 'Hood and Trunk'. We have a 'Ladybird' you have a 'Ladybug'- we don't have Lieutenants in our Police Force- we have a 'Fire Station' you have a 'Fire House'. A 'Scheme' can describe a Network, along with a Nasty Person- this causes 'untold' confusion, when we talk about a 'Housing Scheme', 'Scheme for tackling Homelessness- and so forth. We have Murder, Manslaughter and Self Defence, you have Murder in the First, Second and Third Degree.
We have a word 'Fortnight', meaning Two Weeks, you have (and so do we now) a Computer Game called 'Fortnite'. Talking of that... We have a 'Night', you have a 'Nite', we have a 'Centre', you have a 'Center'. There are 'Other', fairly minor differences, between our Languages- a different spelling of 'Diarrhoea', for example. (even if this a load of... erm… SH*t!)
An Englishman is at a Baseball Game.... A player gets to First Base "Run, Run, Run", then, a second Base "Run, Run, Run", at Third Base "Run, Run, Run".... The 'Striker' then hits the ball, far, far away. The Englishman shouts "Run, Run, Run"... a member of the audience says "He can't run, he's got Three 'Balls'". To which the Englishman says "Walk With Pride, My Friend!". (This is basically because NO Englishman, actually Understands, Baseball)
Because we see, far more American Programs, than you do British Programmes (Note the change in spelling here) I think 'we' have more understanding- of American- than 'you' do of English... or am I wrong?
You are correct INDEED. Want to hear something really funny? I have an ancestor by the name of Dick Whittington. My father told all kinds of silly stories and we never knew if he was making it all up to amuse us kids or if it was true. As much as I'd like that James would read any of this, I doubt it as he should be very retired by now and hopefully in good health and not seeking CKD assistance. Tata from the USA
There Really was a Richard Wyttington, who actually was Lord Mayer, of London- I believe twice.
Other 'things' Based on Fact, there was a Humpty Dumpty... It was during the English Civil War (Yes we had one too). There is still a Siege House just off the High Road, where allegedly, there was a Siege. (pretty 'nasty' by all accounts, people reduced to eating rats) There was a Dr Foster, whether- or not- he was caught in rain is 'open to debate'. That 'innocent' Nursery Rhyme, Ring A Roses, is a reference to the Plague... The 'pustules' appear red, before turning black- hence it's Other Name, The Black Death. There PROBABLY was a 'Pied Piper', of Hamlin, but there is, considerable Debate, about what he actually did. The was a Robin Of Loxley, who had his Lands 'Snatched' by 'Bad King John'. He, and others, Did form a, sort of, Rag Tag Group- opposing King John's rule. (Just a thought.... but, if you Married into the Family of Robin Of Loxley... Would you have 'Out Laws, for In Laws?'.)
The Pilgrim Fathers were rather a 'Motley Assortment' of Men, who wanted to 'Find A New Land'. The Mayflower, first sailed from Harwich- not far from were I live. She then stopped in Portsmouth and Penzance, before her 'Epic Voyage' to Newfoundland. New York was nearly called New Amsterdam, because there were so many Dutch there. Magna Carta (The Great Charter) was originally a 'List Of Demands', from the Barons and Landowners- NOT from the Common People, at all. It did establish, the Right, of Habius Corpus (I think that's right?)- the right to a Trial By Your Peers. Your American Constitution, is based on it. Here's ME telling YOU, Your History....
Don't get me 'Started' on the American War Of Independence, just DON'T.
WOW! In addition to great "jokes', you are a historian and a fabulous story teller! Did not know that Wyttington was the correct spelling. I don't know hard far back in my father's family tree one would need to go to find the famous (infamous) Dick but the name was obviously on my dad's side and we know next to nothing regarding his family , as my grandfather died before my dad was 2 years old. And my broken- hearted grandmother never spoke of him. So much for history.
How are you feeling? How log since you were transplanted? I had my transplant April 21, 2019. Have had a few complications following the surgery-lung clot, etc. Still taking Warfrin for that. I have some good days and awful days. Mostly weakness, extreme fatigue, hair loss, mostly I miss being me. I know what I used to look like and how I used to feel. I have pictures to prove that although I would never be Miss America, atleast I didn't scare small children. And I used to pride myself on getting more done in one day than most folks do in a week. Can't come near any of that now. If I accomplish one thing, I am done for the day.
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