Ehhhhh

[StormCl0ud]

(I'm 24m just graduated college) I hate my life just a little bit. I love who I am. I think I'm smart, thoughtful, compassionate, funny, handsome, cool, driven, determined. All around I'm great. But these god damn motherfucking health issues ruin everything! I feel like such shit every single day and can't seem to do anything without a new debilitating health issue popping up and making my life just that much harder. It sucks so fucking much knowing I would have a kickass, awesome life and enjoy everything life has to offer but oh no, not me, I get to feel like shit every day and wallow away in sadness and missed opportunity. I've always believed there was a way out. A light at the end of the tunnel where I would escape and look back on my health issues as just a challenge of youth. Growing pains. Like this is just an intermission and I'll start my actual life soon full of vitality. But each day that passes is a grim reminder that the best days of my life are slipping away and I'm no closer to the imagined promise land.

[RonZone]

Ok, just throwing this out, one of the first thing to do is interact with those who respond to your posts. I can't see where you replied to many of the folks who answered your other posts. One of the best ways to help ourselves is to improve our mental health. and one of the best ways to improve mental health, is to interact with people. So my suggestion would be for you to respond to those who type helpful messages to you in your other posts. The interaction that you get on this site is great mental medicine, but you have to engage. Posting then never looking or responding to the replies will not be helpful for you. Read what other's have written and reply to them. I firmly believe that would help you a lot in your journey. All of us on dialysis feel what you are feeling, but by being willing to interact with others, it helps tremendously with how we let those feelings affect us and color our view of life. So join in the discussion (which is two way, not one way) and enjoy the positive benefits you will find from doing so.

[StormCl0ud in reply to RonZone]

I read all of the replies. I just don't have much of a comment for most of them. And the most cathartic thing for me is to just scream into the void. Even if it is just typing away on the internet into the unknown.

[RonZone in reply to StormCl0ud]

Hey, this reply perfect. It's totally normal to want to scream into the "void". Just remember that when you scream on here, other people are listening, so to get the most benefit out of the process, just a simple two word reply to those who take the time to provide a caring reply to what you have posted is not only a nice thing to do for them, but you will find in the long run, is actually way more productive than just screaming into the void. By following up the scream with actual conversation, you are getting past the initial release of emotion and go into the realm of actually processing your issues toward resolution. Screaming over and over doesn't really get you anywhere if it's not followed up by some sort of forward movement. So keep that in mind and see what you can do to have some conversations with these kind folks on here. I promise it will provide positive dividends if you do. Just say how you feel, what you are thinking, let it out in words as well as primordial emotion. And follow up on some of the suggestions folks provide for you. No one can solve all your problems on here, but boy they can sure offer some positive assistance and support as you go through this whole ordeal. I've gained a tremendous amount of support and great information over the last three years through these folks. It's a great resource. Don't be afraid to ask a question. Keep posting replies like I'm seeing you do below. Those replies actually help you more than you know! They have me.

[drmind]

Sounds as if you're waiting for your medical issues to end, but unfortunately it seems as if they not going to do that. As I see it, they only thing that can change now is your attitude. It's best to face facts and use some of that intelligence and drive to work on your mental health. It can be an easy fix. You're smart, check into it.

[StormCl0ud in reply to drmind]

I have a pretty great attitude most days. I like to get out in the sun and get exercise. I'm a generally happy, positive thinking person. But this is my 10th anniversary of dialysis (> 40% of my life). I've had 2 failed transplants. I've faced a lot of tough battles. For once I'd like to get an easy one.

[drmind in reply to StormCl0ud]

I hope you get an easy year.We all wish that, but it looks as if you can handle it if it doesn't happen. Do you know that even with your wretched medical history, there are lots of people who may envy you: for your youth, your education, your intelligence, your ambition, your good looks, and your obvious stamina to hang on in the face of adversity. Treasure those gifts. Hope you find your way into counseling. It can help so much if you find the right therapist to help you re-arrange your thinking.

With your 10th year of dialysis and two failed transplants and other battles, you truly are a warrior. I feel for you having spent so much of your young life trying to survive, but you did survive and with your mind intact. Please don't waste it now. Good luck. Let us hear from you. We're all here to offer support and shared experiences.

.

[Hidden in reply to StormCl0ud]

Wow, StormCl0ud, what a fascinating story you have to tell. I hope someday that you will offer more details concerning your kidney trials. As DrMind stated below, you truly are a warrior. You have really had no other choice. I commend you for sharing, too. I continue to agree with RonZone's sage advice. Primal screams are a way of releasing emotion, but based on your initial post, it sounds like you need a community who understands. Kudos to you for reaching out. It's a great start. 😊

[KidneyCoach NKF Ambassador]

I'm of the thoughts that those with chronic health issues go through the grief process at least once. I've cycled through annually and at times every few months. It happens and is important to allow yourself to complete the process and grieve the loss of your old life (and self) to make room for a new routine etc. We must also be cautious at NOT blaming yourself for your situation. Once done it's time to make some new friends, goals and being active at doing something that brings you joy. Start a new project, hobby etc. Get to a therapist go to a support group, Journaling your thoughts and feelings can be very helpful as well. Blessings

[StormCl0ud in reply to KidneyCoach]

Thanks I think this will help.

[horsie63]

work offers me a chance to feel at least semi normal, keep my mind busy as it’s analytical I nature.

Sure I go through feeling useless especially when I get up to walk and I’m all wobbly. And I’ve had the “chuck this” and just die but then I bring up a picture of my granddaughter and keep going.

[Ziggydoodah]

All the replies here are offering great advice. However as someone who has suffered from bad depression even before being diagnosed with kidney disease, I know its not straightforward. Sometimes you are just in the mindset, that nothing will improve. You hear the advice and deep down you know, it's right. Actually putting it into action is another thing. I was diagnosed in my 40s and I still can't believe how much I feel I have wasted my life due to this illness. I look back and think, what would I have done differently and I question everything in my life daily. Some days I can get really dark thought and just want to stay in bed. However the mortgage dictates I can't. So I get up and get on the hamster wheel of life. Set your alarm and get outside for a walk every day. In 10 years time you will look back and think, why didn't I try to do this etc. You are still young. Your life is not over. Change your routine. Just do something to remind yourself you are still you and not this bloomin disease. Its easy to feel sorry for yourself, we have all been there. However you need to start fighting it. Small steps can get you on that journey. As others have said..interact with others. You are not alone on this journey.

[Hidden]

Hi StormCl0ud. I just read five wonderfully astute comments by people who cared enough to take the time to write to you. Not surprisingly, they echoed many of the points that I offered in my first response to you last week. It's really up to you to do the work necessary to pull yourself out of the emotional ditch you have fallen into. How do I know? I've been there and done that. Don't waste your precious life. Like RonZone said, interact. You are in a forum where everyone understands the struggles associated with living with kidney disease. What a gift this is.

[checkman]

Yee HA StormCloud! I could not express myself any better! I'm going to copy and paste your post and print it so I can go back to it and read it. For me, typing into a computer screen and reading a computer screen or especially a phone screen has no cathartic value whatsoever. We are humans and we have to have human-to-human interactions, face-to-face, and phone calls to friends and family. Actually talking to another human. THAT is cathartic. You can walk away from a screen and it goes right out of your mind. But after an actual human to human contact, that stays with you. Bitching (venting) to a screen and bitching to a friend are two totally different experiences. One stays with you and the other one doesn't.