This is a difficult post to write

[fartikins]

Hello

Thank you for all your replies about my query on Trazodone.

I have had insomnia for 30 years now and it has only been recently that I have been diagnosed with ckd. I had been taking zopiclone for that amount of time and I often wonder if that was the culprit. That has now been stopped because they were not working anymore and replaced with the new medications.

Then I was diagnosed with ckd and that is what caused the breakdown.

That diagnosis caused me to have a total breakdown and I was in hospital for 6 months.

The depression has not gone and I have to live with it 24/7.

I was prescribed my medications as follows:

Trazadone100mg

Quietipine 50mg

Mirtazepine 30mg

Diazepam 5mg

This medication helps me to function and get some sleep even if it is only 5 hours.

I hate taking it but I don't have a choice - otherwise I will end up in hospital again.

Please send me some positive news - I have had a couple of messages that when I have read them they have thrown me back into a deep depression - I am trying the best I can with the tools I have.

Believe me if I could stop these I would but as I have said they keep me stable.

I know they are not good for my kidneys but it is a chance I have to take.

You have all been so supportive on this forum and I am forever grateful for that.

[Bassetmommer NKF Ambassador]

Dear Fartikins,

We all have a journey we are on. NO one needs to explain or feel guilt for the things they do to survive. If these drugs are needed to keep you steady, then so be it. Mental illness gets a bad rap. That is because we all are on the cusp of suffering from it. If your doctors are prescribing these things, then there is a reason. The sad part about medication in general is that although they may be good to resolve one condition, there is often a side effect that is not good. Doctors weigh those things in their decisions.

I know there are no words to take your fear and worry away. You matter, and you do not have to defend yourself, especially here in this forum. Try to do the best you can. Maybe talk to the doctors about what else you can do to help manage your depression and fears.

I hope your holidays bring you some peace and joy.

[fartikins in reply to Bassetmommer]

Thank you so much - its hard.

[Bet117 NKF Ambassador in reply to fartikins]

Dear Fartikins,

Change and the holiday season together present many different feelings in different people.

The best gift that you can give to yourself and your husband is the gift of togetherness and hope.

It may not seem like that as you journey over the rough spots. It's what you have not what you don't. Hard to see but look at the big picture and pick out the things that you enjoy and enjoy them; be it the sounds of the season, a fine movie and a healthy dinner shared together.

I agree with everything that Bassetmommer has conveyed to you. Read her words and try to process them and adopt them.

Many people are totally alone at the holidays and are suffering from illness of all kinds away from family if they have any or friends.

Like them, your doctor has prescribed medication which is felt will best benefit you. No shame in that as if it helps and you mind set it to help - that's the important thing.

Set a plan with your husband for this evening and tomorrow- together. If it's kidney friendly foods that you enjoy, music and scents of nice candles.

Making new traditions and rituals can yield positives if you let them.

We're thinking of you and hoping that you allow yourself to have a good day and wished many blessings.

Bet

[fartikins in reply to Bet117]

Thank you so much for your uplifting reply - it is a very different Christmas this year.My husband is going out with a friend which means I shall be all alone. But he goes with my blessing because this awful disease affects him too.

[Bet117 NKF Ambassador in reply to fartikins]

Dear Fartikins,

No thanks ever needed. Again, it's seeing what you have and can do with that rather than what you don't.

Perhaps your husband needs a bit of breathing time as caregiving is not simple, especially when you love someone.

Have you thought of discussing a plan of relaxation and enjoyment of the holiday when he arrives home? That's important, too.

Call a friend during the time that he is out, put on a favorite movie or music with a cup of tea and something for you.

As long as you have the telly and tea, you're not alone.

The size of the celebration isn't as important as the time together.

Give him a hug and remind him how much you appreciate all that he does for you.

Sending warm thoughts and blessings.

B...🎄

[honeybug]

Hi sweetie. 🤗🥰

I’m sorry you experienced depression from some comments about your treatments.

Try not to take those comments to heart. You are uniquely you with your own unique reactions and experiences to your own conditions. What other’s experience will not be exactly yours too.

I’m almost 72 now. I have learned that no one else really knows how you are affected by your conditions because of the other elements in your life history that influence your body’s response to the stressors that uniquely affect you.

Old saying : don’t judge someone else until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

Example: My dad was diagnosed first with Raynauds Phenomenon. He has had it severely in his hands only. His progressed to very severe and turn dark violet ice cold

I had mild symptoms in my childhood until puberty. Then the symptoms worsened to include feet and hands. Then all over.

Currently I have cyclical episodes immediately followed by Inherited Erythromelalgia which causes lobster red hands feet ears nose everywhere and burning pain with swelling.

As you’ve read we both have the same Raynauds Phenomenon but they are uniquely our own.

I’m here to tell you that you are uniquely and wonderfully created. Beautiful both inside and out. Don’t let anyone else convince you otherwise. You do whatever you need to do to survive.

I always tell others I want a life of quality not quantity.

Sending you lots of warm cyber hugs and love.

EJ ♥️🤗🥰🕊

[fartikins in reply to honeybug]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

[Bet117 NKF Ambassador in reply to honeybug]

Agreed! God bless. Wishing you a lovely holiday. 🎄🙏

[honeybug in reply to Bet117]

the same to you too hun. Thank you and God bless 🤗♥️🥰🕊🎄🎁❄️☃️

[honeybug]

most welcome sweetie. 🤗

[RhenDutchess123]

Bless you Fartikins...May you find Peace and with all the changes you may experience...one thing will never change...that we all will always love you

[fartikins in reply to RhenDutchess123]

Thank you for your kind reply.

[drmind]

You may be surprised that not all medications harm the kidneys. And, as others have said, if you need the medication, you have to take it.

I imagine having a chronic major depressionis is so difficult. I'm sure its like a light that goes off and you can't locate the switch. Hang in because I'm sure you can ride some of it out.

I think you're viewing a kidney disorder as something too awful. You have to re-think it as a disorder which can be managed. And, a lot of the time, you and not the doctor is doing the managing. Not many medical conditions can be described in that way. So if you had to have a disorder, this one isn't so bad.

Hoping you can enjoy the peace of the holidays.

[fartikins in reply to drmind]

Hello - yes depression is the most awful illness - its all associated with ckd but I have to manage as best as I can - it is a very lonely illness.

[drmind in reply to fartikins]

Anything that you do to manage ckd is great. Be kind to yourself. There are so many people on this forum that have managed ckd for years. I have readily for five to six years so far. And, yes, there are times when its lonely, but then I just get on this forum and say "hi" and there's always someone who says "hi" back. Merry Christmas 🎅 🎄

[Tempest1]

Hi,

I like you had a breakdown awhile back after loosing my mam and dad within months of each other. I have been where you are. I took the mirtrazapine tablets and then managed to ween off them gradually. What helped me was reading about depression. I started to also read about being mindful and how it can switch you nervous, anxious thoughts away. There are loads of books on these things on Amazon. As far as having CKD, it is a condition that can be managed very successfully. Again read up on this. People here on this forum can give you plenty of advice.

[fartikins in reply to Tempest1]

Thank you for your reply.

[itzmich]

Wishing you all the best. You have a lot on your plate. All you can do is the best you can and that is enough.... Hoping for a better tomorrow and year to come.

[horsie63]

all I can say is hugs and hold on.

[RoxanneKidney]

Well you will likely feel a little better if you take a little control. Eat vegan..take walks. And research everything you can about your illness. Good you found this group. Reaching out is a good first step. Depression and CKD are two separate issues. You might struggle to get a functional grip on your Depression but the ckd aspect is manageable for many people with a good diet and exercise. And if you are out there doing it for the health of your kidneys ...the clean diet and fresh air might also help alleviate some of your Depression. For instance, when I waS shoveling snow today, ❄️ I didn't have two seconds to think about my CKd. I was just happy my friends and family and livestock survived this blizzard. Crazy weather.

[fartikins in reply to RoxanneKidney]

Thank you so much for your kind reply. When I was diagnosed with ckd4 the depression hit me like a freight train - I can't cope with 'normal' that is why I hide myself away. It is so hard getting people to understand what depression is.

[horsie63]

Stanford university has done some research into whether severe depression can be caused by a genetic disorder. I’ll post the study once I’m back at work tomorrow. Basically though it appears their can be a genetic cause even if it’s not passed down in families.

I have the same issue with my retinas… I have a mitochondrial defect on one of my genes that no one else has… it’s called a de novo occurrence. Unfortunately it appears my daughter has a worse version and we’re hoping her daughter escapes the genetic mutation.

I’m not sure what this might me to you other than if it’s indeed genetic then it’s not something that you did to yourself. Major depression is dangerous much more so when combined with other health problems.

[fartikins in reply to horsie63]

Thanks for your reply. depression combined with insomnia and ckd is the perfect storm. Just to think a year ago I was a functioning human being - its so hard.

[horsie63 in reply to fartikins]

I can emphasize with that. Even when I was having the thyroid storm it was never as bad as this. I don't have insomnia or depression so all I can do is wish you healthy again. I'd be more than happy to talk anytime you need someone to listen.

[fartikins in reply to horsie63]

Thank you