When Is Enough Enough????

[littlebean]

I know this prob isn;t the place for this post but need advice. Myself and my partner have bene together 11 months and i am 3 months pregnant, it wasn't planned. We do love each other but were having some issues before I got pregnant, trust issues mostly, he doesnt trust me, yes I have lied to him about my past relationships ie. how serious it was and about money ie. debt and he found out and now he doesn;t trust me and it seems to be getting worse not better. Now he doesnt even trust me to be in contact wiht my friends, he says he doesnt know what I'm doing behind his back anymore and I have been trying to make it work because of the baby but feeling increasingly isolated. I knwo he had trust issues before we met and i know I made them so much worse but I dont know how much more I can take of this. I live four hours from home and really dont know what to do on this one. Confused and worried about how the stress is affecting the baby. Thansk for your advice.

[ritz21]

Although it may sound very usual - but trust is THE most important thing and at times I also think that it cant be something you can find, loose and find again.

If I were you I would seriously reconsider everything happening with your life at the moment. Especially the fact if you can overcome the trust issue and stay together and if so, than for how long?

Each of us do our bit of mistakes, they are not always bad (infact they are good for they make you a better and experienced person) but its REALLY important that we end up with someone who don't have a tendency to blow those mistakes out of proportion . applies to both the partners in a relationship (remember the old-ladies tale, we are not perfect but we can tolerate each other like no one else can). name-calling, blame exchanging or negative reciprocation or vindications don't really have a space in an intimate relationship.

Also you cant change people, you have to love them the way they are, and if there is a problem with them which is as fundamental as 'trust issues', I would say - seriously reconsider your approach and decision. Is there a better way you can deal with things (including seeking a professional therapy session for couples), how important is this relationship to you personally (your child would be happy with what you are happy) and when thinking of importance of the relationship think of not the time right now (because you are pregnant you need support - everyone does) but in a long run (after the baby is there and grown-up enough to understand whats going on in the house).

There is a lot that you need to re-evaluate in your situation, do it one by one. Also, that task of noting the good things and bad things about your partner is really helpful, note them down and if the good things are more in number than bad things, probably you want to work this relationship out genuinely. And where there is a will there is a way.

About the stress- of course its not healthy for the baby development, but those tiny ones can deal with all those things that you yourself can deal with. So if you cope well the baby would be fine too (except in circumstances where there is physical abuse, than I would say completely get away from the abuser!)

take care and wishing you all luck

xoxo

[roselee]

I agree TRUST is the most important thing. i got divorced because he was a compulsive liar. and yes i didnt trust a word that come out ofhis mouth. hed say absolutly anything to me and think i was a fool.

[Hidden]

Hi, my issues with my boyfriend might seem childish but we've worked on it and even though he still doesn't really get it, we've managed to stay a happy couple and raise our 15month old.

He's lied about past relationships, he's also lied about current relationships with girls (not that he was cheating, but they sent inappropriate messages. (Flirty etc). I didn't trust him, and I don't much now but were taking each day as it comes. And for me, that's fine because I know I'd be okay on my own if things messed up.

[littlebean]

Thanks girls for all your advice. We had a really honest and frank discussion last night, we both want to make a go of it and we're trying to work through our problems. I love him and his good points most definitely out weigh the bad ones and i think mine do aswell for him but I know at the same time that what i did is far from unforgivable and he can't keep throwing it back at me or holding it over me if we are to make it work, if he argees to work on it he needs to move past it and try and rebuild trust.

We both know that we have work to do and we'll have to re-evaluate whether its working or not before the baby arrives. We have basically decided that if its no better before the baby we will separate as its not fair on anyone involved. I knwo he'll always be part of the babies life and I know I'll be fine on my own so for now I think its the best course of action. Thanks again for all your advice.