Intrusive thoughts post partum thought nothing of it at first

[Afrohair]

Hi there again loves has anyone had post partum intrusive thoughts I've just realised that I'm having them v often I googled it and apparently it's a common mental health thing after birth I've already been dismissed from health visitor and my doctor and tbh had a bad experience the other day with my so called doctors I wouldn't even want to turn to them.

Please don't read if you feel it may trigger you I need to get this out

Thoughts I'm having include

Me walking along my landing thinking I may drop baby overboard

Picking her up on my shoulder thinking I may strangulate her by accident .To the point I have to carry her another way and sometimes put her away from me out of what I'm seeing as harms way.

She's a little congested at the minute so when she cry's and swallows funny I think it's my fault I picked her up and nearly strangled her.

Thinking I will accidentally loose my buggy in the road while walking.

Falling asleep worrying I may suffocate her

Telling myself maybe I don't deserve her because of these things

Scared I'll bang her head accidentally whilst walking

Scared to take her vest off can't really explain this just baby dosent like it .

Waking up in the night to check she's not passed away or not breathing

Thinking someone stole her and realising I slept with her by accident.

She is my angel baby so thought I wouldn't have her which makes me panic more

I read on Google that it's common for people not to seek help in case baby gets took away and it's the first thing what sprung to my mind that someone would take her I want this to end what can I do will it go away when she's bigger I don't know my other daughter I'm very protective over so I'm wondering if I've always had it a little bit she's only 4

[Beanybeanz]

Hi, I don’t have any experience of this as I’m only 30 weeks pregnant with my first child, but the thoughts you describe sound like anxieties about accidentally hurting her, which to a certain extent I would imagine are normal (I’m totally going to be the one waking up in the night checking he/she is still alive and worrying - I can’t wait for the constant snuffling and snorting so many people get annoyed at night with cause I’ll know baby is ok!!!).

I think there are charities and helplines that can help you with your anxiety, and I’m sure people on here will help you too.

Tommy’s charity have a section on things like post natal depression

The NHS website has a list of numbers too.

If you’re not sure ring the Samaritans they will help signpost you.

Could you try the doctor again but ask to be seen by someone else, or your midwife you had when you were pregnant if the health visitor wasn’t very helpful?

Can you chat to friends or family about your feelings?

Xx

[Afrohair in reply to Beanybeanz]

Thanks yes it does sound a bit like anxiety tbh I thought nothing on it till the thoughts kept creeping in and the one with the banister stopped me walking along the landing with her and I couldn't face it

[Annatinks-ar]

I’ve been like this after the birth of my son. I also had them a lot while pregnant like at the top of the stairs I’d see myself falling and killing my baby as I land belly down. I was diagnosed with anxiety likely due to nearly losing my daughter while in labour.

I’ve been repeatedly offered antidepressants but chosen to decline hoping it would go away and for me it mostly has now. He’s 13wks old and I think I only really started to relax a few weeks ago. My calming also ties in with him sleeping better at night and his daddy keeping him downstairs overnight once a week (as I do all night feeds because hubby is working mon-fri) so if you have good support please ensure you get enough sleep as it’s definitely better when you’re not a walking zombie!

If you find you’d benefit from medical support ask your gp to refer you to the Perinatel mental health team in your area - they’re absolutely amazing and can provide you support in talking therapies and any medications you both decide are beneficial (without any pressure - I’m still not on any) and they can support you until your baby turns 1yr old. Hope this helps and it will get better I promise

[Afrohair in reply to Annatinks-ar]

I really don't want depressants either I'm going on the coil soon and hope it dosent lead to this spiralling

[Annatinks-ar in reply to Afrohair]

Personally I wouldn’t go on the coil yet. I did after my first and felt it made my hormones crazy but if you know that’s the best way for you then I would ask for that referral I mentioned first so you can benefit from the grounding exercises and gain control over those feelings.

[SRA8]

I dont want to say it's normal because I'm not sure but I definitely had most of these thoughts, particularly dropping on the stairs or banging his head on a wall. It passes. I did have a bit of PND which eased when I stopped trying to breast feed directly as it was too traumatic for everyone.

I hope it passes for you too. If not I'm sure your health visitor could help.

[Afrohair in reply to SRA8]

It's awful I can't remember having it with my other children which is why I wanted to get it out on here i never thought I was much of an anxious person but these thoughts panic me especially if she cries and I don't know why she is crying

[PoppyC38]

I think these thoughts are normal to some extent but if they are occurring repeatedly through the day and they are affecting you you should get some support. I don’t see why anyone would take your baby away for getting help. You aren’t acting out any of these things. Our babies are so precious it’s terrifying the thought of them being hurt.

[Afrohair in reply to PoppyC38]

I think what is bothering me is it's stopping me doing things like walking on the landing not wanting to cross roads when walking

[PoppyC38 in reply to Afrohair]

I think you definitely need to speak to someone. Get help before it becomes too big a thing for you. Sending hugs.

[Cheekymonkey85 in reply to PoppyC38]

Agree with this, i think as mothers we just see danger everywhere. We need to. But if it’s all the time and upsetting you then don’t hesitate to ask for help x

[Octoberbaby2019]

Hey there, I also had these thoughts and had PND undiagnosed first few months of my sons birth. I only found out later from another mum that the health visitors have a support group called something blue sky or something to give mum's a chance to catch up together and talk about their experiences. I'd contact your health visitor team and ask if they got any support groups you can join to talk about your birth experience and life with a new born etc.I don't know when it got better, but I think the bigger they get the less you'll worry. Definitely hard first few weeks /months and it's so important to just talk to other mums about it you'll see you're not the only one xx

[Franco81]

Hi Afrohair

I felt I had to reply as I have had some of the exact same thoughts as you (my twins are now 13 months). Especially dropping them over the bannister or while out in John Lewis - We went when they were a few weeks old before COVID.

In the first few months the thoughts would just come out of no where and I’d suddenly feel that overwhelming terror, I couldn’t sleep some nights when the thoughts crept in. They have definitely eased as the twins have got older.

I was able to take a few minutes to gather myself together and tell myself it was normal. I chatted about it with other mum friends who said they had similar thoughts so just hearing that allowed me to accept it (even though the thoughts are so frightening).

I hope it helps you just knowing others have felt the same but if it’s overwhelming and stopping you doing things then I would try your health visitor again. There’s no way they will take a child away because you’re having these very normal thoughts, you’re clearly a mother who cares so deeply about her children.

Wishing you all the best xx

[Afrohair in reply to Franco81]

Thankyou hun x

[Sevy571]

Hello! I read your post because it popped in my inbox and it reminded me of a few pages in a book I read recently: "What Mothers Do (especially when it looks like nothing)" by Naomi Stadlen (excellen book by the way). She talks about exactly what you are going through for about 3 or 5 pages, saying it is very common, and very normal. The gist is that we lack research to explain what's happening there but we can assume that becoming a mother comes with such a HUGE responsibility (we actually have life or death power on our newborns...) that this is probably a way for our minds to slowly realize how huge this is, and to adapt ourselves to this new responsibility, and to remind ourselves what we can or cannot do. It is nothing alarming, very normal, and it should pass, I reckon. I could send you pics of those few pages if you wanted a quick peek, if that'd help? Not publicly as it's copyrighted material of course.

[Afrohair in reply to Sevy571]

Sounds interesting .the only thing what's alarming I never felt like this with my other children and if I did I can't imagine it was this bad I lost a baby before this one at 13.5 week which in thinking is why I'm like this my whole pregnancy I panicked and when she was born it was like a dream I kept saying I would loose her up until birth and actually having her now is sometimes surreal and now I have these thoughts that my happiness won't last with this baby I can't explain it just always feeling like she's going to be taken from me

[Sevy571 in reply to Afrohair]

I am no specialist but it feels like you keep feeling like it is too good to be true to have her and perhaps your mind is trying to make sure she's still here and all good and healthy? It sounds to me that this could indeed have to do with your loss (so sorry for your loss) where perhaps there is still some grieving left to do so that you can gently "accept" what happened and separate the past traumatic loss with the present beautiful baby you now have. Sometimes we make associations like that that do not serve us, you know? It seems to me that this would need help from a professional with whom you could talk this through in a safe space and perhaps access dark thoughts about the loss that you never dared access alone because it is so painful and scary That's what I would say, trying to honor the past and grieve what needs to be, so that you can free yourself from maybe invisible chains. Warmest wishes to you I hope it gets better <3

[Huzur]

Hi

Basically all the thoughts you are having show you care. It is normal to have anxiety as you are responsible for this precious human. Your mind is going over what to be wary of . In essence you are actually prepared for all those intrusive thoughts .

My beauties are 3 and 4 and still I have thoughts which panic me. Part of being a parent .

[Blue1986]

Just read this and I can completely relate to it. Intrusive thoughts are so scary, I didn’t talk to anybody about them because some of the things which popped into my head were very dark. I am sure I had ppd and ppa, I probably still do and should maybe speak to somebody before my next baby arrives in September. I only told my husband two days ago, I’m hoping I’ll feel better about speaking to him from now on.

I suppose I’m just here to tell you that it will pass, but that you could speak to somebody in the meantime.

And a big congratulations to you on your baby, enjoy each second.

[Shem008]

Hi there. Some intrusive thoughts are normal but if it’s bothering you and affecting what you are doing or how you’re doing things day to day then I’d suggest you need to seek medical advice. I had these thoughts and more - I had ptsd and postnatal depression after the birth of my daughter (she was a rainbow baby!). I know you’ve had a bad experience with your gp but you are within your rights to see a different gp and even visit a different surgery to speak to someone else. The health visitor should remain assigned to you until your child is 5 so you can push for them to refer you to your gp/talk to your gp on your behalf or even ask for a different health visitor if you’re not comfortable with your current one. The guidance now is to keep baby with the mother as far as possible as this is in the best interests of both of you so try not to worry. Also if you are diagnosed with something like postnatal depression don’t feel ashamed about trying counselling or taking antidepressants. I didn’t want tablets as I thought it was giving in but actually when I started taking them I wished I’d done it sooner as it provided the balance and clarity in my brain that I needed to help me through and allow other therapies to work well. Xx