36 yr old First Time Mommy :-)

I've recently lost my best friend, a person I so admired and deeply loved. I saw them get eaten away with that ugly a hateful terminal disease called cancer. They cried out loud because of pain and for help while I tried everything to save thier life. I prayed out loud, in my head, in the kitchen, while driving, taking a shower and in my dreams while I took short un restful but attentive them naps. Their death was also a filter of so called friends and loved ones, every single one of them turned their backs on me and them. I cared for them 24-7, no friends, no family, no husband; during and after their death; they were the only person I had, I was there for them, I lived for them, I smiled for them, I worked for them, I breathed for them, they did all that for me first you see, undoubtably.

You see, I want them to see , I wanted them to guide me, I wanted them to be, to be a great mother with me. I've lost my guide, my soul, my heart beat, my eyes to see. I've lost my only angel, my only guardian angel, I've lost my Beautiful Mother like a beautiful bird in fruitful green leafy tree.

No one is here for me, my moms sweet spirit probably could be but I can't see or hear her and my sadness and emptiness maybe won't let me feel her.

I'm a first time mom, full of questions, full of doubts. Feeling lost, feeling incapable, feeling less, the more less I ever felt.

I have a tiny miracle, a seed growing within in me. Scared of not having my moms vast knowledge I turn to thee...

I turn you guys, mums, mommys, moms that are and are to be. I turn thee with my sad but hopeful attempt of poem to be. Hoping that the gift within you, the gift and miracle growing in your bellys, the love in your hearts, the love of a trillion of you equals to the love my mom gave me.

I post and share my thoughts, my questions, my experiences with you. And in turn I leave my soul open to you and the universe hoping for help, for advice, or a kind, "Hey! Hi! Let me share what's going on with me."

Thank you for posting ladies, it's very kind and most helpful indeed. I'm new to this community. Would you please welcome me. Please help me be the best mommy I can be, exactly like my mommy and you mommies to be.

Be Well <3

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8 Replies

  • I am very sorry for your loss and I pray that when your little one comes then you will become strong and stronger. Loss of a Mum is very painful as I have experienced this myself and may I add that she was very proud of you for being there when she needed you most and am sure the love, resilience and everything she has passed to you, you will pass on to your kid/s one day. I lost my Mum when I was 15 years and I missed her terribly but the minute I had my first one the tears dried up as I had to be a mother and If I cried then what would my baby girl do? I had cried for years before and missed her even more during pregnancy and I still do but time is a healer as they say. With the love of God and his mercy you will get there as dying is part of life that every soul will have to experience, it's not just words its a reality. If you believe in God, it doesn't matter what faith then pray for her and ask to be reunited one day and if you don't believe then please forgive me in advance. I am sure this community will help you and please ask anything that you may need help with. You are going to get there like I did and the love of your child will give you that warm sweet feeling like a Mums love, wishing you all the best and sending you lots of hugs. Mum of 4 girls 😊

  • Hi,

    Your post really touched my heart and you are not alone my dear. I am also pregnant and 28 yrs , i lost my sister about a year and half and I can only say i knw your pain , she left us two beautiful kids and thats the only thing that is keeping me going. When i read your post not only I knew i could relate and just to let you know , that you will be a great mum , there is no doubt about this. You just gotta know that baby growing inside you will bring you nothing but Joy and happiness , all those feeling of sadness and emptiness will be replaced by laughter and joy. This baby is a blessing to you and eventhough we do not know each other , you are not alone. I wish my sister was alive myself but i know she i watching over me nd I am sure your mum is also. I am also new to the commninity and I joined when i saw your message and i knew I needed to reply you, Welcome beautiful mum and keep your head up because you are going to be the best mum a child would want to have. take care x

  • Sorry for your loss. From your post I know you believe in God. Mum is in a better place where she knows no pain. It doesn't make it less painful though. Continue to pray and dwell on the beautiful memories you had with mum. You are going to be a wonderful mum. Lots of hugs your way and welcome!

  • So sorry for your loss it hurts so very much when you lose your mom. you were so blessed to have each other. you have seen your mother in pain and hurting and that was so very difficult for you but now she is free and I believe in a much better place. She is still with you in your heart and your memories they will live on and in the days weeks even years to come you will begin to see little things little signs that will show you she's still around. I talk with my mum ever day and I know she is there to listen to me. I cant see the wind but I can feel it and hear it and its the same with my mum. you have a precious little one growing inside of you that is part of you and part of your mom and she will live on in that little one you will see a smile or a gesture something that reminds you of your lovely mom and it will melt your heart. I think you will be a wonderful mom just like your mother was. you can see that in every word you have written she would be so proud of you. and she is still with you sweetheart only now she's looking after you from heaven you have your very special guardian angel.

  • Hi, I lost my mum when I was 21 after a 7 year battle with cancer and I became a first time mum at 40 - so you've got a few years on me. My mum always wanted a son, as she had me and my sister. There aren't many boys in our family at all. And I gave birth to a boy. I felt lost without my mum, especially at ante natal classes when EVERYONE else had their mothers with them and described how much support they got from them. But I realised that I had to change my mindset for my little boy. I had to believe that my mother had already given me the tools to be a great mother, by her having been an example to me in real life. Of course, there were things that she did that I wanted to do differently, but it's funny how, even though they are not there in body, they live on through you and will live on through your child. I'm not at all religious in a traditional sense, but I do believe that the universe looks out for us and if we know how to look or to allow ourselves to be open, whatever we need will come to us. I have a photo of my mother in the living room and I remember those long nights breastfeeding for hours on end with sore nipples and a hunger that meant I was constantly eating cookies with one hand and dropping crumbs on my son's head. I kept the photo of her smiling near to me and I chatted to her and she put her arm around me and told me how proud she was of me and that I was doing a good job. She told me how beautiful my son is. She told me that I was beautiful mum. And every time I look into my child's eyes I can see the mischief that my mum also gave me. You'll be ok. And you'll be a great mum. And if you let her, your mum will be near you whenever you need her. Promise. If you need anything during this magnificent journey of self discovery and sacrifice, just shout. There is an army of us lot on here, waiting to help x

  • Hopeful15 what beautiful words in your reply. Bless you 😊

  • Hi, really sorry for your loss, the feeling of loosing a close one is always scary, you need to be strong not only for your self but the little blessing within you. Your mum is now in a better place away from all the pain and suffering. Be positive and stay strong.

  • Every single one if you have a blessing. Your kind and very supportive words are very appreciated.

    Everyone in my life ignore and don't mention my mother or give me any support, not a single one. I don't say or express anything about it to them instead I take it as in she was mine and I was the only one there for her so it's ok, nothing has changed.

    I never new kindness and love unless it came from her. You guys words have made feel stronger and hopeful for my as a mom to come. Thank you soooo much and please continue to send me your positivity.

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