After failed contraception about 5 weeks ago, and taking a "90%+ effective" emergency contraceptive pill within 20 hours of the event, I am pregnant.
I have also been recently diagnosed with "moderate depression & low mood", after having had copious counselling since January this year to (try to) help with the bereavement of losing my dad unexpectedly just over a year ago. Within a month of his death, and just a week after scattering his ashes, I moved away to start at uni. I made good progress academically and am back for year 2 of an undergraduate course- feeling less numb this time around and therefore, seemingly, more tear-y and just as exhausted!
Because of negative associations with medication, antidepressants in particular (as my dad was taking until he died, and his death was due to an overdose of another prescribed drug), I am opting to see if CBT sessions help before thinking of starting with antidepressants.
My partner has also been diagnosed with "depression" and he feels we are both too unstable at this time to bring a child into the world.
I have yet to book an abortion, but have had the consultation appointment.
Reading this back, it seems I'm set to have this termination.
But I'm not,
I am hesitant to induce another "medicated death" as I'm still deeply bereft from my dad's passing. All of my thoughts are for having this child (i.e. "so-and-so has old baby grows","my room is big enough for a cot", "at least I wouldn't be heavily pregnant in the summer!", "I could go part time at uni".... etc ) are for this pregnancy, but my partner is advising that we are both too "emotionally unstable" to be able to do the right thing by bringing a life into the world. When, as you can probably tell, I've been struggling to fully support myself this past year.
Would having a child motivate me to be more well for myself? Could I focus my efforts on its upbringing? Or is this all wishful thinking? I know having kids is a drain on resources, exhausting (as if I'm not already) etc....
If this was in a few years I'd be delighted. I am really, but it's bitter-sweet as I don't feel like I could fully "give it a life" whether the pregnancy was terminated or not.
I guess what I'm really seeking is some advice, and perhaps a reality check - I can't talk to anyone other than my partner and this annonymous online thing appealed at this time of confusion to reach out and ask for some help.
This is very long, but for those who have, thanks for taking the time to read this.
love to all x