Requesting advice from caretakers who are lawyers

Friends,

I’m new to this forum, and I’m seeking honest advice. Warning: long post ahead, but I would truly appreciate any help or input at this point.

My boyfriend of two years (24M) was recently diagnosed with MS. After consultation with his care team, he sat me (21F) down for a very sobering conversation about what our future may look like. When he was first diagnosed last month, the doctors told him it might be CIS or relapsing-remitting. We were optimistic at the time. I told him unequivocally that I would stay, and that we would work through all the ups and downs together, that this disease doesn’t change how I feel about him and our future.

After more tests, he sat me down for another, much more sobering conversation at his doctor’s suggestions. He made clear that he will need a strong support system to manage this disease, that the burden of care may be very high for me at some point or another in our lives, and that he is offering me an “out.”

A little about me. I have wanted to be a lawyer since I was 9 years old. I am completing my undergrad degree and have already begun a career in my (competitive) field, balancing a full time job with my final year in college. My boyfriend is equally ambitious, driven, and has reached a surprising amount of success for someone his age. When I envisioned our lives together, I saw a man who would support me (emotionally) through law school, through career stresses, someone who could travel the world with me and support everything I want to do. I’ve found that a rare trait in a partner - someone who could both support me and unhesitatingly offer sound advice when asked, someone who reads my cover letters and edits my essays and makes me coffee for all-nighters and early mornings.

And for God’s sake, I f**king love him. I love him so, so, so much. He’s my favorite person. If I could take MS away from him and have it instead, I WOULD.

In our second conversation, he was very straightforward that he may not be able to support me in all the ways he wants to. I may have to take care of him at the same time I’m taking exams in law school, or studying for the bar, etc etc. In short: he doesn’t know if he can offer me the support I need, and I don’t know if I can offer the care he needs.

I hope you can imagine how devastating that feels. I WANT to. I WANT to stay, to love him, to say right now that I will take care of him through anything and everything. I WANT to say that “we’ll get through it all together.” Maybe another 21-year-old would say those things. Maybe a better person would stay and not hesitate.

The truth is, I don’t know. Can I care for him enough? Can I be happy knowing that this is a person who likely won’t be able to follow me abroad for a year-long LLM? That I may have to become a caretaker in only my twenties?

I’m apprehensive of the long-term implications of a short-term desire. He expressed that he fears that I will leave when things are at their worst and I decide I in fact can’t handle it all, or that I will come to resent him for “holding me back” and not achieving my full potential. He needs to know which pillars he can lean on, so I’m left with this decision: leave him now or stay and promise that I won’t run when sh*t gets real.

Writing this, the answer seems clear what I should do, what the responsible decision is. But I would love advice and insight from caretakers regardless, especially those who have gone through law school or cared for their partners through a particularly challenging and busy time.

I’m sure this post will offend. Trust me, I feel like an awful, awful human being for even questioning my ability to care for another person. If I can’t do that for him, what does that make me?

I’d appreciate your help. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[Weaver9]

This requires a professional therapist. What do you want to do?

[Kenu]

Good morning 😃 things are different for all od us. When I was first diagnosed I didn’t have time to deal with it as I also got diagnosed two days later with lung 🫁 cancer ♋️. Had surgery to remove my right lung and had a surgical induced stroke. It was a real struggle but my wife stayed with me the whole time 🙏 Took a year to get out of a wheelchair 🦽 and then start dealing with MS. I had started on DMT right away and I believe that’s what has kept me going. It’s been 27 years since I was diagnosed and now secondary progressive. I have an AFO on my right foot but still upright living at home and driving. 5 years ago diagnosed with stage four throat cancer ♋️, gave me two to four months and I am still here. My wife of 43 years passed away almost 3 years ago but I keep going. The last three years of her life I took care of her, that’s what we do. She helped take care of me through those years and raised our son who is now 29. Love does great things in our lives. I’m still driving and doing the things that I need to do. You can never know what the future will bring 🤷‍♂️ Your boyfriend may go on to live a great life 🙏 Stay positive and don’t get to caught up in the future, concentrate on today 🙏. Blessing to both of you 👍🏼😉🥰🤪

[jimeka in reply to Kenu]

Good advice Ken 👍🐾

[falalalala in reply to Kenu]

That ^

[hairbrain4 in reply to Kenu]

Love isn't blind if you have your eyes open. You just shared a perfect example of that. Thank you!

[carolek572 CommunityAmbassador]

Welcome to the forum! If you love him, stay, because love is worth it, and life is much better when you have someone to go through it with. There will be challenges, to be sure. Stay Strong

[Humbrd]

Just like when we're first diagnosed with MS we play out all kinds of things through our head. Are my life plans ruined, will I end up not being able to care for myself, what does life hold for me? Well it sounds like the same thing is happening to you. This is a new diagnosis for him and you have a million things running through your head. How will it affect your life, will it complicate what you want to do, will you end up caring for him? My head spins just going back to that moment of trying to take it all in and adjust to having MS. My advice is slow down. Everything seems more cloudy and murky in the beginning. Give yourself time to adjust to his new diagnosis and get a clear mind before you rush into any decisions. If you want to think negative you may end up caring for him in years to come. Or you or your future boyfriend could be in an accident or have an illness and may need to be cared for. Or you might just end up with a real a****** who doesn't treat you well at all. But thinking positive with the proper medication started soon he could have a life full of love and adventure and you could be each other's support system. No one knows the future for any of us.

So give yourself time to think about everything. You're only 21 so do what is best for you. No one can judge you for that.

[hairbrain4]

Life is going good, you've found Mr. Right & want to spend the rest of your life with him. There are no guarantees in life. Things could have gone on the way you wanted & 10 years down the road he develops cancer. Are you going to turn & run because it's hard & you might not have time to take care of him because you are too busy working? Probably not. You will want to do whatever you can to help him because you love him. Heer's a quote about love from a good book "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Take the time to think it over.

[152114randal]

My wife was diagnosed with RR 22 years ago and is still walking on her own. She has had some issues but nothing that we couldn’t easily handle and that was back when the only meds were copaxone which by the way she is still taking.Good luck to both of you.

[palomino27]

Yes, this requires a professional therapist.

But, I will warn you. It will test your very soul.

I'm progressive MS, now in a $20,000 power wheelchair and now alone. Met my Ex 4 months after I was diagnosed with MS. We even walked 4-5 miles by the Lake nearby, which was tough but I could still do it back then. My ex-wife is a ph.d in theology, even teaches Catholic priests. I helped her get her Ph.d. I would even say, the ph.d might be after her name but I did all the hard work to emotional get her there. And now, when I need her, she leaves and has the audacity to judge and criticize me. I thought I was paying it forward, while I still could, because i thought she knew what was coming. Maybe I don't blame her. I wouldn't wish me on anybody. I guess my MS has surprised me too.... 😢

[JMWCO in reply to palomino27]

That’s a bum deal; as I’m sure you both went though plenty during that time. 😭

[Sandydemop]

wishing you all the best. Either way you are always welcome here.

[Jer29-11]

Oh man, this is tough. First, I’m so sorry to hear about his diagnosis. It’s such a shock. You guys are so young! All I can say is it sounds like you have lots of plans and expectations for the future. MS aside, plans can change and life may not follow the path you’re trying to make (sometimes in good ways!). I’m not at all saying you shouldn’t follow what you desire, but nothing in life is guaranteed (everyone here gets that). I can say that MS has brought good things into my life too; people I never would’ve met, shown me how supportive and amazing my husband is, to name a few. Anyways, I’d encourage you to take time and get some professional help regarding this decision. Also, MS is tricky, you’ll never know how the disease course will run. I wish you both all the best ❤️

[Tazmanian]

Welcome to the group, everyone's ms is different some people are severely disabled quickly some people last many years before becoming in need of help. Good luck and you can always lean on us.

[mrsmike9]

Don't apologize! You are meeting this head on. Good for you!

[mrsmike9 in reply to mrsmike9]

Argh. I hit "reply" before I was done!

I was diagnosed in 2014. I'm sure I had it well before that. If you didn't know I have MS, you probably couldn't tell. Very rarely I will use a cane, I can't get overheated (at least there is AC), I will forget words and don't have a wonderful memory. I figure these are pretty minor. I got on meds very quickly after being diagnosed. (Bad reactions on the 1st 2 but number 3 was great.)

I wonder if his neuro is painting a bad picture for his future. No need to do that as nobody knows what will happen. I wonder about that doctor and hope he/she specializes in MS. If not, he needs to change doctors! There are new meds coming out all the time. Personally, I would see how he does. He may get on a good med and you'll wonder why you questioned this.

[NorasMom in reply to mrsmike9]

Mrs. Mike, I was wondering much the same things. I had MS for a good 40 years before it really started interfering with my life, and while I can't work any more and voluntarily gave up driving, the rest of my life is still very normal. I can understanding wanting to point out all the possibilities for the future, but it seems that this doctor is really stressing the negative.

[kdali]

Welcome! I'm sorry for his diagnosis. There are a lot of great responses from the group, but I'm hung up on the travel abroad part 🤷‍♀️ I think that's the only question you can actually answer at the moment, can you guys survive a long distance relationship for a year 🤔

[JMWCO]

I agree with everything here in this thread; the good and bad. Your struggle is real and therapy can help. Even if you are not in therapy today it can help as you work toward your goals as an outside perspective- just find a good fit.

Before I married my husband (been together 15 years, married 11) we talked at great lengths about what we wanted in life and what we didn’t want. We also discussed the tough topics such as job loss, death, kids, family dynamics and more. We both come from broken homes and even without MS life is a funny fickle thing (I seriously say that about a lot of things) but it is. During our dating and married lives we have dealt with death of loved ones, moving, graduation/school and kids- all the main stressors you think 🤔 of in life but health tends to take the back burner. We always talked about me traveling for work as I traveled 75-90% of the year and he could be a stay at home dad one day. Well even before MS and the birth of my 2nd I dropped travel to 25-35% and today it’s less than 5%. I want to be near/with my family it’s my safe place.

Life is going to change disease or no disease- but even with out it you need to make sure the expectations you both had were in alignment before you marry. What you are willing to accept and sacrifice which may not be anything for 10+ years!!

Dr’s and the Internet can send one down a rather negative path. I’m not saying it’s bad to understand all the directions something can go but it’s unrealistic to think it will ALL HAPPEN TOMORROW. Even healthy solid relationships collapse over time if the are not committed and recommitted to having. It’s not all sunshine and roses and it’s work but if it’s the work you can put in to let love thrive than you know what you can accept.

Just know there are emotions that run high in life and disease/acceptance can weigh on you both in unexpected ways for the good/bad parts of life.

I would suggest having a deeply connected conversation on what life looks like together with out MS and what it looks like with MS (even if progression is a while off as it could be around the corner). Look for the 20 or 100 questions to ask before marriage (I think Oprah interviewed the author and did the short version but you can find the long version) and take some good time to discuss how you would respond with out this new burden in your relationship and say if these were deal beakers before than it’s compounded with MS and if it’s not and it’s good then why can’t we work through this together.

A relationship is to parts that act as one; if it’s out of balance then it’s work to be in balance and above all listen, and think of what you want and need in this one life.

He’s thinking if you and himself as no one wants to feel they held anyone back and we all love an need support.

Seriously- I’ve got too many thoughts this morning in these threads. 😬

I wish you luck 🍀 and peace in whatever you decide. You both are young and life has not ended it’s beginning.

[kycmary]

You are asking for knology about the future & we don't have that only God knows what will happen. You can plan for all sorts of things that may or maynot ever happen, I don't mean to sound mean & your questions are valid but we have only what we have been through & each one is different, we as a people react differently to situations, medications life in general. I am praying that God will help you have peace in your decision.