I need advice

[Shelly36]

Hello everyone! I'm proly going to bitch about my life right now, but I don't have anyone to talk with. Well, my husband and I are fighting again. Apparently I don't take good enough care of my girls. I'm home every day with them and I take my 5yr old to school. I'm sorry I don't give them a bath every night, I tend to yell at them to get them to listen to me, but I'm doing the best I can and it's never good enough for him. I love my girls and I would never put them in harms way or have them go without essentials. Am i doing something wrong? Should I do something different ? I need advice,please.....

[Hidden]

I highly advocate for marital counseling. It's hard to say without being in the situation.

[Jesmcd2 CommunityAmbassador]

Shelly36 sounds like it's his problem not yours. Is he saying all this after he's been drinking? You seriously need to look out for you and yours. Sounds like your in a toxic relationship and need to get out before it gets worse. Believe me, l have been there.

[Shelly36 in reply to Jesmcd2]

Its usually during his drinking. He told me last night that he drinks because he worries about me and our girls

[Royjr in reply to Shelly36]

I don't know what to tell you Shelly. It's seem like it's always going be your fault that he do what he do. Be careful and it's not your fault you have MS. It's no one fault it's just is what it is, LIFE.

[Shelly36 in reply to Royjr]

I feel like its my fault for everything. Dishes aren't done, the floor isn't vaccumed. I'm at a dead end and I don't know if I should turn around. Thank you for talking with me

[Royjr in reply to Shelly36]

No problem Shelly. Anytime you need to vent this site is here.

And remember it's not your fault. There isn't a monopoly on doing dishes and vacuuming.

[Sukie427 in reply to Shelly36]

Uh-oh, Shelly. Adding in drinking can be a toxic mix, and a signal that he doesn't want to understand. His saying that he drinks because he worries about the kids is a lame excuse. Obviously, drinking and drugging are OUT! If he doesn't quit, and is abusive when he drinks--physically or mentally--get out. If you have to take the kids and go to a womens' shelter, then so be it.

[Royjr]

Hello Shelly36, I don't know your home or disability situation but I can only say COMMUNICATION. Try having a heart to heart sit down with your husband. If he loves you (like I know he does), he should be more patient with you and likewise you will also. I know my fuse is real short now, but I had to make myself tone down when I talk to my kids and wife. I'm still short sometimes but I walk away before things get heated. My kids are grown now but they was in elementary when I was diagnosed and I would always tell them I love them and that sometimes "daddy" is going through his issues and then give them a kiss (give my son a hug - you know how little boys act😀)

Good luck and I know everything wil work out for you and your family.

[Shelly36]

I know he loves me and I him,but I get so frustrated sometimes. I just need to relax and calm down. Thank you for being there for me

[Vlbrown57 in reply to Shelly36]

My emotions are up in the air some days. I was diagnosed with pseudo bulbar affect in May and that explained many of my outbursts. Brain damage from MS makes us more vulnerable to misunderstanding too.

[DavidinKnoxville]

Shelly,

I think that you're getting some great advice. I'd be looking at the marital counseling in such a situation. I do counseling and I am by myself...do you have someone to talk to?

Looks like a lot of folks are here for you. I'm hear to listen too!

[Shelly36 in reply to DavidinKnoxville]

Thank you for the advice. I have a counselor at the clinic, I should give her another call

[Miriade]

Hi. I was having short temper also and fighting with my husband, but it does not solve any problem. I have been exausted not doing vaccum or dishes, and I have to learn to calm down because now I can not live alone, and I know he is very frustrated with my "behavior". Now I am very patience, and ask him to do his chores at home, repeting many times. Dont forget that men in general likes to be served at home, which is wrong. I also went down in my though and go back to better mood. I bought a book The Art of Mental Training and others to refresh my mind, and others like accept what your are now and not what you use to be, learning and manage new situation. I use my owl time for reading and help myself to survive.

[SWEETCAT in reply to Miriade]

I so totally understand this,I am so in the wrong situation for myself with MS. But I just don't know how or what is my best thing to do!? I also have a disabled son who lives with me he is 24 and have to think for the both of us... I sure hope everyone and myself always continue to do right for yourself and try relaxing situations the best. STRESS is a the worst for me before anything else... Thank U all for letting me vent and taking your time to read. I will talk to everyone again soon . Going to start chatting here more often seems to be the best stress reliever for me. U R all awesome and totally get each other... lol

Stay Well and Active...🤗

[Sukie427 in reply to SWEETCAT]

SWEETCAT--Stress is the worst thing for MS. And it sounds like you have plenty of it. Make sure to take some time for yourself to just relax and make it roll off your back. You will find that you can make better decisions and have more strength to act when you are not stressed.....too much stress can lead to a relapse and you sure don't need that!

[Jesmcd2 CommunityAmbassador]

Shelly36 l have been thinking about this and your situation. Men are natural "fixers" and "doers" and this monster they call MS they can't fix. And it's more than fustrating to them. I know when l was l was l was dx l told my my bf and then told him if he wanted out then go with no harm done lol. He stayed damn it lolol. But he has to feel useful.... l told him l almost fell in the shower , he put up a shower bar for me. The bedroom TV broke, he took it apart to fix it, that didn't work so well lol. He bought a new one. He left Monday for work and we don't know when he will be home. On Tuesday a shower chair showed up. So maybe he just needs to be more "needed" also MSAA has alot of reading material that might help. Good luck

[Shelly36 in reply to Jesmcd2]

I told him today that I need him. That i could use a shower bar so i won't fall anymore. He thanked me for asking for help and I'm planning on having a long talk when he gets home

[Vlbrown57 in reply to Jesmcd2]

You pinpointed my husband exactly! He is the go to guy in our family. Always fixes cars, bikes, plumbing,wiring,etc. He can't fix me so he feels frustrated beyond belief. That can turn into anger at the situation but not at me. I realized this and now let him vent when he needs to do so. I learn so much from you all. Thank you!

[Jesmcd2 CommunityAmbassador in reply to Vlbrown57]

It has to be so frustrating for our other half ' s. As much as we go through they do to. I have a tendency to forget that, and his answer to everything is that l should walk more. Which just makes me want to beat him with my cane I'm telling ya, that news lady with ms that walked some trail, great job! But you made my life a living hell lolol Cause now my boyfriend thinks l can ugh

[Royjr in reply to Jesmcd2]

I know what you mean. People sometimes can't or don't understand that this disease effects everyone differently. One person is running, biking and walking without too much issues and the other person can't walk a straight line. That's the reason I suggest that the spouse or mate go to the neurologist appointment and ask about MS and the course of this disease. My wife went with me when I was diagnosed and that helped her understand some of the things I go through.

[Jesmcd2 CommunityAmbassador in reply to Royjr]

It is frustrating to no end, and he's a stubborn man♡ At times l dont think he wants to face the reality of the situation. But then he goes to try to "fix" what he can physically.

[Shelly36 in reply to Royjr]

What's strange is he goes to every one of my appointments and he still doesn't seem to understand. It's always "I know what you're going through" but he doesn't.

[Shelly36 in reply to Jesmcd2]

Yay, i hear the same thing, "walk more and you'll be able to run"! I wish it was that easy. I walked my daughter to school 2 wks ago with my 4yr old and husband, I guess I wasn't going fast enough with my walker, he had me sit on the seat and he tried running while pushing me. It was okay till we hit a bump and I went flying. My tailbone is still bruised! I'm not trying to blame him for me falling, I just wanted him to be patient with me and see that I'm trying. He sees so many people with MS walking and biking and expects me to be able to do the same. Everyone's different. Physical therapy, walking more and exercising at home, doesn't seem to be helping. He stresses and worries about me everyday, he tells me. Walking is sometimes a real bitch!

[Sukie427]

Hey, Shelly. I am betting that fatigue has a lot to do with how you are taking care of your kids. If that's the case, rest while they're in school or out doing activities. Then you can have more strength to deal with them and their needs. I take it from your post that you do not work outside the home while your husband does. We were married for 32 yrs when I got dx'ed and our kids were grown. I did work outside the home while we were raising our two sons, and MS cost me my successful career as a lawyer, just as a stroke had cost my husband his successful career as a design engineer 5 yrs before I was dx'ed. Even after 32 yrs of marriage my husband doesn't always understand how I am feeling, and we no longer have the issues of kids and work; I couldn't even begin to understand how those stressors affect your relationship. You need to take your husband to your neurologist appointments and let the dr explain to him what you're going through. It might sink in more than if was just you "complaining." You also really need to have a "heart-to-heart" with your husband, and it might have to be in front of a counselor. He really needs to understand how everything you do involves a fight with your own body. Likely he won't get it completely, but he needs to have a whole other depth of understanding just how hard it is for you to do what you do and to be appreciative. For your part, you have to wake up every morning and give it your best, but you also have to listen to your body; when it says "enough" then it really is "enough." I guess it really depends on how you each approach the disease process and how it affects you. When my husband had his stroke, I fussed over him like a mother hen. When I got dx'ed, he didn't do that. He was usually there when I needed him, but I had to approach him and ask for his help. I expected him to be more like I was to him, but it just wasn't his way. So you both have to come to some kind of understanding about that. Best of luck, and don't give up. A few years ago we were at an event, and everyone was dancing and as usual we were watching from the sidelines. Then they played "Unchained Melody" and I said to my husband, "Let's dance!" and he said "how?" I replied, "We'll hold each other up, just like we've been doing for the last 35 years." And we did!

[Shelly36]

Thank you all for helping me through this. I've tried talking with him but I can't get the words out. I stutter so it's frustrating as hell. My mind knows what I need to say but I can't get it out the way I see it in my mind (does that make sense?) I've been writing but it's not enough

I'm trying to hold my family together and you are all right about stress. My body hurts all the time now and he does nothing but complain about me, what i can and can't do.

I'm venting again! He won't go to counseling with me, writing doesn't seem to help and I feel lost without my best friend, my husband

[Sukie427 in reply to Shelly36]

Unless the drinking gets in the way and makes him physically or mentally abusive, and you really love him which it sounds like you do, don't give up. The failure to find the right words is tough enough when you are in this situation you are in, even worse with MS. It's like some days I tell my left leg to move and the right one moves. The signals get all scrambled. If he won't go to counseling with you, then go yourself to get professional help after you fully describe the situation at home. And feel free to vent here as much as you need to. It will help save you from arguing with him. Best of luck!

[Shelly36 in reply to Sukie427]

Thanks Sukie427!

[TracyBelle in reply to Shelly36]

I have to write long notes to my husband sometimes because I can't get the words out right, or my "tone" makes him miss the point and stop listening. He even keeps the notes to remind him that he often misinterprets my mood and tone of voice and the true facts are what is written in the notes, REGARDLESS of his perceptions.

[Stepinup]

Shelly36...

We are in the same boat unfortunately for me it is not satisfying my husband every night. I don't have the limbito I use to have and feel drained every night. We fight a lot and he is full of rage that tends to spark during his drinking sessions. Yelling at the dogs yelling at the kids and yelling at me...it's not fair.

I understand that there are things that we can and cannot change. We can not change our partners.

I feel your pain and I am also here for you if you need any advice, or if you just need to vent.

You are doing the best that you can!

Please contact me if you want.

Hugs,

Stephanie