All I Know (OCD Compulsions)

[LiveOutLove_22]

Hello everyone hope you all are doing well. I am currently on my journey in conquering my battle with OCD (Contamination). I'm in therapy ERP for it and it seems to be helping with alot of my OCD tendencies. But if I'm being honest even though I feel better about conquering not sanitizing certain things everyday, or washing my clothes everyday, wiping down my car everyday even lysoling certain things around the house everyday. I'm still currently dealing with depression. I don't know what's worse sometimes battling with my OCD or Depression or to be honest if they both go hand in hand. I get on social media and feel like everyone is moving on with their life, but mine is almost frozen in time. But to be honest I wonder how I am suppose to evolve and live life fully if all I know is being at home and going to the same places over and over again because they're what "I deem safe". How do I go out and make friends when so much of our life is on social media and I'm afraid of social media because I feel like something bad might happen if I reach out to someone or if someone reaches out to me. How do I go out to eat in public when I'm afraid of what people think how I look or that I only eat certain foods because I don't like certain textures. (Which by the way I'm currently exploring eating different foods in therapy but still struggling and worrying about). How am I suppose to go to a public place and not feel the need to wash my hands and if I do wash my hands how do I not feel the guilt and shame of it like I did something wrong. I think we all tend to worry sometimes about what people think of us. I feel like having OCD we overthink everything anyway and then we wonder if other people can see it too. I constantly feel like at times I use my OCD as an excuse to avoid things. I know that's not right and that I'm letting the OCD win and my fear of missing things win. I have a fear of germs and sickness so being surrounded by a bunch of people creates so much fear in me and frankly I would rather not deal with it. The older I get the more I realize how life is short and I don't want to miss special events anymore. But how do I move past it when all I know is to stay away because that's what my OCD is telling me. I feel like I'm making progress with my OCD in therapy but to be honest there are times where I see no progress at all. I'm very hard on myself and not a very patient person so I'm really trying to pratice patience and really this is journey and not a race. Any ways I know this is long and I guess I'm just venting and just curious if any of you are struggling along your recovery journey. Do you feel like you're making progress but not at the same time. If anyone that has made it on a better side, can you tell me how long it took you and do you still struggle with it. If you guys feel the same as me, I'm curious. I'm trying to take it one day at a time right now. Anyways I hope you guys are doing well. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Avoider]

I have same as you for 45 years since graduating; it has wrecked all my relationships - it is like a hydra; you can think it is controlled in one area, then it finds a new fear on another. It got better only when I worked and mixing and having to cover up the illness to do job, forced the illness to go into controllable level; but, if I feared certain encounters with contamination things that my coping mechanisms would fail to deal with= subsequent very very difficult life avoiding that , or collapse.

It gets worse as you get older, because when younger , you have more energy to do the rituals and almost accept them as just a way to get to your best version of functioning and having a normal ish life.

But older, energy to cope and keep up rituals not enough morale gradually collapses , depression. Relationships of course require the partner to accept your illness and cooperate with some hand washing etc to keep you happy, but in the end they get stressed angry and dump you.

[Natureloverpeace]

I was in my late fifties before I finally got freedom from OCD. Like you said, life is short. OCD had taken more and more of what I value most away from me. What OCD threatened would happen if I didn’t do the compulsions all those decades didn’t happen. The more compulsions I did, the worse the OCD got. I finally decided enough was enough and I would take the risk of not doing what OCD demanded. OCD took away what I valued the most and I decided I was getting it back no matter what. It didn’t matter how threatened I felt or how much I panicked. I moved toward my values and away from OCD. I discovered that OCD was full of crap and its threats were empty lies. Recovery isn’t linear and even when you have freedom from OCD you need to make OCD recovery a lifestyle or it will try to sneak back in. Take the risk, the freedom from OCD and getting back what you value that OCD took away makes the risk worth it.

[LiveOutLove_22 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words. I know I will struggle with OCD for the rest of my life. I just have to be patient and keep doing my ERP therapy homework and keep trying to take my life back from OCD. Let that be the fuel that keeps me going. I will keep doing everything in my power to not let OCD stop me from living my life anymore. It's nice to hear from people that know what I'm dealing with and going through, and it gives me hope to keep going and fighting. Thanks so much again, I really appreciate it. And I hope you're doing well, take care.

[IStillHaveHope]

I had untreated/undiagnosed OCD from about 7 years old to 30. It wreaked havoc with romantic relationships and my career for a long time. I was very reluctant with medicine at first. Mostly it was what I had learned from my parents and a misunderstanding of what the medicine did. I remember the first time it started working. I realized I didn't have to check the basement door over-and-over-and-over. I broke down in tears there. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I could move away from the compulsion. I felt like I could actually start living life. That was 13 years ago now. My wife and I now have 2 children and I'm doing well in my career. This is not to say that it hasn't been challenging and that OCD hasn't reared its ugly head again. I've suffered through some bad doctors that wanted to change medicines (which didn't work) and had dependency problems with others. I realized though that my recovery has to be the most important thing to me. I have accepted that I have OCD and will always have OCD in some capacity. I don't like that, but it is my lot in life. Working on this issue allows me to be more present with my family and friends and be a better person with them. It's a win-win.

The other side of the OCD conundrum is so much better though. At my best I can go weeks (or maybe months) without really experiencing OCD. The thoughts are always there, but they're more on the "back-burner" and pass more easily now. It tends to be elevated when I'm stressed or reminded of specific events. I know how hard it is starting out on this journey and how it can seem like you're not making any progress. You are though; you're just not conscious of it. There were things I thought I could never do that I've come to do regularly. I'm sure I'm not unique in that regard.

I really hope you find what you're looking for. God bless you my friend.

[LiveOutLove_22 in reply to IStillHaveHope]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and wisdom and your insight and your OCD journey. I think I've always had some form of OCD, but when the pandemic hit it reared its ugly head. Since my main problem with OCD is Contamination based so the fear or germs and sickness, was the worst its ever been from 2020-2021. 2023 I hit a breaking point thinking I'll never get past my OCD. But as of January, of this year 2024 I decided to seek out professional help with a therapist that specializes in OCD specifically ERP. I've being doing that for over 2 months now almost 3 and have seen amazing results. I still have my days where my OCD likes to try to take ahold of me and sounds like I will always struggle with it from time to time. But I hope I can get to a place like your at within your OCD journey that I go for longer periods of time being able to handle and control it better. I so appreciate your post for helping me to really put in perscpective my mental health journey which is why I've dedicated this year to be my year of growth. I hope one day to be on the right side of my OCD. But until then I will keep up the faith and hope and keep pushing forward, thank you immensly. I hope you and your family remain well, safe, happy and healthy.

[IStillHaveHope in reply to LiveOutLove_22]

You're very welcome

I don't know if this helps, but I put together a post a while ago for people just starting out. I did this since I realized that I was essentially just giving the same advice over and over to people. Feel free to take a look it you'd like.

healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...

I have found that having OCD has made me incredibly more empathetic to people who have all sorts of issues now. It seems like most people with this have a strong desire to help those who suffer as well. Silver lining perhaps?

[LiveOutLove_22]

Thank you so much. And yes I agree I have a passion for helping people in general. But especially when it comes to mental health. I think the world is evolving and changing where the concept of mental health is not much of a stigma anymore. We are able to more freely talk about it and media platforms such as this are more accessible for those of us that are that are in need of a safe community to freely express the difficulty and challenges that are faced with OCD. People like you who have been through this journey and understand and help people like me currently going through it. Gives us hope. Thanks again.