Frustrated

[Carrotcake_95]

I'm not really sure who to talk to that might understand so I'm just going to free fall here. I met a man online that seemed lovely, he was a carer and we really hit it off. Fast forward nearly 3 years, I've moved into his home and we've had babies. He has cerebral palsy, along with other conditions which wasn't really disclosed when we were dating (i found out several months after our children were born during their eye examinations) and his mum is still very much involved in his life. My own mum has sort of just let me struggle on through life in my own way but I'm finding all this attention and lack of independence very hard to deal with. He's a bit older than me and while I've dated men with very strong relationships with their mothers, I've never dated someone who's mother has so much control over their son's life. It's overwhelming, like being examined under a telescope. She comes over and tries to rearrange our home. She calls him to give us parenting advice and tell us that she doesn't agree with the way we choose to parent. She manages his finances and work prospects. He won't stand up to her because he's worried that he'll miss her support and I understand this but equally, it is alot and I don't feel confident enough to be able to say that enough is enough. I don't like confrontation, she is easily offended and often takes issue with the partners of her other children. I'm not sure what to do but I guess I'm just hoping that someone here may understand? I've never dated anyone with a disability before and I didn't really know what I was getting myself in to.

[Steve__]

Very fair to ask for some help thinking this over, and I think each person might have a different view in it. I wish you well in finding a way forward. I'm afraid I can only be vague, but here's one view which I hope helps a bit.

I'm not sure that the disability would necessarily create the situation with the mother (though I can see how that works in your case)... I'm sure there are many delightful mothers of disabled people to be found! Whatever the cause, it seems very fair to be concerned with where the boundaries are in your case, and it's always healthy for each person to be able to raise a need, but that doesn't seem to be allowed?

If you can find a 1-1 mentor... a wise friend, relative, or therapist... they might be able to help you talk over and sound out an understanding of what's going on, what's ok or not ok for you, and pinpoint the best way for you to improve things... Always good to get your own strengths and needs clear before looking to address other people's actions. It might not have to be a confrontation. You deserve to feel more ok than you do, and I wish you the best best with that!

[Mybestfriends]

I Agree with Steve.Also from a Mum & Carer of Adult first Son point of view. His Mum has probably been the only one who has been Carer for him & the worry she has for her Son & ongoing life & when she is nolonger around etc. Maybe she needs sitting down with You & an Adult Social Care worker, so you can go over who is Carer now as her Son is your Boyfriend & Children's Father. If you were married, I think, you would be his Carer & next of Kin. I have no experience in these things, but thought I would try & help.

So what I'm saying is, if your both in Love & have Children, shouldn't the Carer aspect, be Passed over to you. Be careful, that you know what you want & are willing to take on, for the rest of your Boyfriends life. As his Mum's support would be an Asset, if Boundaries are set, kindly in place.

[Galwaybay2]

Unfortunately, you have found yourself as the third in an co-dependent relationship. The problem with 'children' who have never been allowed to grow up is that he won't be too clear about what healthy relationships look like or what he has the capacity to do himself without seeking out his mother. So, he has to grow up so that he can be a partner to you and a father who knows how to parent and so that, when she is not there to prop him up, he doesn't collapse or expect you to take up the space she filled. He has not learnt how to be an adult, let alone a parent and partner. Both parties in a co-dependent relationship are avoiding something that scares them, his mother might not be fully aware that she is using her son to protect her from something she would be better dealing with elsewhere. Her 'help' is impeding his life. Have you been able to tell him how undermined, even cheated, that you feel? He needs to know and be given a chance to assert himself to protect his family, but you may need the help of family therapy. Your partner and father of your children, has not been allowed to be an adult, his disability might have been a factor, but he needs to be able to live his own life and that probably means his mother has to face hers too. Can your GP offer family therapy?