Diagnosis - Possible Austism/Aspergers advice needed

[MrFlosk1986]

hello all, please excuse me if I am hard to follow, as this is my first time since joining the community, but I am anxious and desperate to find advice following a meeting with my GP who suggested I join this site, get notes and see him again in just under a fortnight, but I would appreciate any advice more than you could know if anyone is kind enough to read my post

over my life I have battled with acute depressive illness and anxiety issues that have blighted any progress I have attempted to make in life and quite frankly, as I am of age of 37 and still questioning what the source is, or why I have constantly been unwell has been a nightmare and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have been on every anti-depressant under the Sun, do not wish to go back to them as they, I believe are not treating what may have been fundamentally missed throughout my life. I have often been asked if I have a condition, be it through my stammer/speech at times, lack of eye contact, and other behavioral habits of a far more complex nature I discussed with my GP.

I asked about the possibility autism/aspergers or related conditons (I am not an expert, clearly) but after researching about others diagnosed later in life, how what I read resonated with me was striking. I did not want to talk to a GP about it for a long time, as I had been back and forth so many times over decades I thought I would just be laughed out the office, as some GPs can be tired of seeing you with the same complaints and treatments never working

But the truth is I am in agony. Symptoms are getting worse as time seems to go by so quickly. I do not want to go into detail straight away as this is my first post, but I am being truthful in saying what I am having to cope with now, well basically, I am not. I said to my GP I feel like I am dying from the pressure it is putting on me

I am noticing bizarre things like while out in public (which is not often, and no longer do I socialise at all, I am just struggling so much) such as loud noises - naturally no one likes noise in the hustle and bustle of daily life - but for example, loud large vehicles, motorbikes, traffic in general - it is hard to describe the stress/pain or sensation I feel. Nails down a blackboard does not cut it. It then sends me into a bit of a panic state. Things like this never used to happen.

I am going through every other 'typical' symptom under the sun and as a result my life is absolutely falling apart, to be frank. I was already signed off by the DWP from work fitness and put onto PIP for general depressive illness, but no diagnosis. I had multiple breakdowns last year, not for the first time but it was just one of those years where anything that can go wrong, will.

I have never been able to hold down a job, focus on any kind of career and to be frank, my last job I forced myself into was so embarrassing I didnt want to see anyone again. I was in a state of panic most days, moved down constantly each day to an easier task across the hospital as clearly I was making a mess of even the most rudimentary tasks. I was eventually just stuck in an office to mark off collections of old medical records for collection (it even took me too long to work out how to mark batches for collection on the system and i ended up marking records for collection that were stil current that the hospital needed) - I got totally fed up with myself. I remember receiving a phone call from my boss on my break, I thought it was to say she wants to let me go. However she simply, wanted to know if I am ok. I told her absolutely not, I am going through a breakdown, not holding down daily life and quite honestly feel humiliated as I am not stupid, but my way of dealing with people and anything, just simple things .. I am not in control of. I am struggling to interact with people and it has always gotten to be a probem that is worsening as I get older.

Since that job, I left, lost the place I was sharing with a friend and ended up in Council Housing. I am now struggling in ways I do not want to get into on here but I Just wanted to paint a picture of how the last year has went and how I have ended up back to the GP to explain how I need to find out what is wrong because I am just fed up with the daily pain I have never been able to describe. But I Did tell him that I have been asked before if I have a problem such as autism or aspergers and it is something I would like to explore more for sure if the GP has suggested so.

He told me not to panic and use the time in between appointment to get notes and return to see him with what it is I have found that I feel represents me and reflects anything I have felt, struggled with, anything I can do in that way - bring it back to the GP to take things further

I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me advice as this can not be an easy path to go down in terms of finding out if you are suffering a particular condition such as any of the above. As I say I have felt I may do so since the age of around 15 when I really started to struggle in education. I am 37 now and I just want to know why it is I feel the pain I do and why I tend to embarrass myself on a daily basis messing something up, getting attention all the time for the wrong reasons. It is becoming exhausting

I will return to see the GP on the 14th of this month. I am just at a loss where to start and scared it ends there and I will be back to square one if I don't do things right (as we all know how hard it is getting GP appointments these days and 15 minutes will not be much time with him)

If anyone can help thank you in advance, appreciate it more than you could ever know

I hope you are all well, I am sorry to lower the tone a bit if my message is depressing - I am just anxious to make sure things go as straight forward as possible

Thank you very much

B

[DrSarahmac]

Dear B please don’t apologise. You are obviously in great anguish and extremely brave to reach out. Your post is extremely coherent and well structured and you have articulated yourself most clearly so no it is not at all hard to follow you as you say in your first paragraph. Your insight to your difficulties is very apparent so to me it seems overall that you present as a very intelligent and capable person. But something is definitely impacting you and preventing you from thriving and enjoying life. I’m afraid I don’t have any insight to inform you what that might be. My daughter has a learning disability and while she has problems they don’t mirror yours. My instinct is that you may be right in thinking about an autism spectrum disorder but the only person who can really assess and diagnose this is a clinical psychologist or ideally psychiatrist. My only other thought is of a very low level epilepsy because of the impact of the “startle response”. Or possibly ADHD.because of the inability to stay focussed despite your obvious cognitive abilities. Other members may feel that your experience resonates more directly with theirs or with their loved ones. I hope someone here can help in that respect. Well done for reaching out and please do keep us posted on your journey. It’s a very smart move to try to get a view on your condition from those with similar experiences. This should certainly give you and your GP a better point from which to start investigations. Best of wishes. Sarah.

[Mrs_Teddy]

Hi B, I agree with DrSarah - you have eloquently put how you feel. I don't have any expertise in helping as my son has a learning disability but one thing I can suggest if you haven't already tried is to get some ear defenders to at least help you cope with the extreme pain of the noises you hear when you are out.

Other than that, making a list of the ways that you struggle may help with going forwards with a diagnosis if that is possible might be a good thing although I know that sometimes it can be difficult to put your finger on things exactly.

Best wishes and I hope that you get the help you need.

[DorrieReynolds]

Hello. I echo what's already been said. Here's the link to the National Autistic Society's website's page about the impact of autism on daily life and this may resonate with you. For many adults, having a diagnosis and explanation of why they experience life as they do, is really positive. It sounds like this may be the case for you. autism.org.uk/advice-and-gu... With best wishes

[JillianP_RNLD]

MrFlosk,Well done in reaching out. I am autistic, diagnosed in my 50s. I would encourage you to ask for an autism assessment. The NHS psychologist who did mine also considered whether I had ADHD, which was then ruled out. Following diagnosis I had an access to work assessment and have support at work.

I wear wireless noise cancelling headphones when I am out and about. And the hidden disabilities lanyard. I can wear it when I need space and for folks to leave me alone.

I hope your appointment is productive.

Kind regards JillianP

[MrFlosk1986]

Thank you all very much, that is very helpful andt I will be taking all these responses down and discussing other possibilities I have not considered - such as low level epilepsy - that is not something I have ever heard about. There is a case of epilepsy in my extended family - cousins.. and my father claims to have had episodes - though he is a frequent diagnosed schitzophrenia sufferer - from his time when he engaged decades ago, though he had these done in what I hate to say was prison time. He was always a wild man, not violent as such .. just a misfit of sorts but too proud to admit any defect .. he has always went by the word of God and believes whatever happens .. yada yada .. you know the rest

As I stated poor mental health runs through the family on my fathers side. I have a brother to my Father, I am estranged from due to his intolerable behaviour in the past which I believe is schitzophrenia related exascerbated symptoms of excessive strong cannabis use. Unreal levels of it I have never heard and he has never once engaged with society. I do not even think he is on the DWP system/has an active NINO .. he lives in hiding and I found hanging around with him was a very bad influence on me, at a time I was on my feet.

My youngest brother, he has had times admitted into hospital sectioned and once again schitzophrenia was mentioned in the report though I know nothing about it. He was never a drug user, an abuser of anything, just simply misunderstood and left alone to suffer until my Mother had no choice but to call a crisis team. It should never have come to this

With myself, it has been a mixture of the above, I have never been able to put my finger on it other than I feel I am constantly grieving lately, any time I am around places busy I panic. I frequently have accidents and hurt myself a lot, all caused through sheer panic through the anxiety it brings. I am as clumsy as they comey

I am not sure if it may well relate to ADHD/a spectrum-related disorder (low functioning) though ADHD is something I felt I can relate to enormously too. Though I aren't sure where the crushing depression comes from. I never had any massive trauma in childhood. I dropped out of school when I started finding it too difficult. Anything I Know since is self-taught. Though I do know one thing, traumas most people recover from quickly (or reasonable, normal expected) - I do not. Last year I had too many to mention sending me into a tailspin which I've not recovered from to this year

One thing is for sure, I have never felt like I have anything in common with a normal working team I may have been in and most often any job I take, starts with some kind of humiliating mistake over and over to the point I am skating on thin ice. Once again, Id say most of this is born through nervousness but also the clumsy side and not taking in things at the first,second,third, tenth time .. is not normal.

Never held down employment for longer than 2 years in my whole lifetime and that 2 years was when i was 20... I am now 37. It was an agency job. Most have been because I certainly never pass any interview process when going for real jobs. Those in charge sense something they don't like it appears. Awkwardness, I am not sure.

Outside of work, at 37 I am still yet to have ever been in a relationship. Not that I haven't spent time with women, I just won't commit because I know I am impossible to live around. I know how much damage they are letting themselves in for. For the past 7 years I have spent most of it alone, searching for an answer but never had the faith in being able to get the health service to send me to the right people. I just get put onto some course that will involve over-the-phone service, telling me how to breath properly. How cold water on my head first thing can do miracles. This is not doing anything to help. Fundamentally, something has been missed through my life. I always referred to it as depression but I am certain it is another disorder which is making things so miserable and hard to bear.

Not a matter of simple low on confidence, needs a kick up the arse .. anything like that. Sadly, all I get from those who are closest to me bar the ryare few. Trivialising a serious matter with such things just gets me angrier. I am now 37, if it were a simple matter, down to such simple things, there would have been improvement.

I am due to see the doctor tomorrow and been reading the points on the mencap page he told me to write down what I feel are what I am experiencing and at the rate I am going. he's going to be spending a long time going through it, put it that way.

I just don't know. But there is something that runs in the family that has always been missed for one reason or another. I believe me and my younger brother share almost exactly the lsame things though he is a severe OCD sufferer .. I do not have OCD symptoms as far as I am aware, but he lives like his home should be a laboratory if you could know and does very little socialising if at all, generally, since his release from his second hospital admission. People have always been convinced we were twins, but we are not. We share very common features though visibly, lack of expression or animation facially is one thing I read about that can be a sign of things, and I did always wonder about this growing up. I used to think there was something wrong with him, without thinking i am practically identical.

I don't know. I am blabbering on really and it is not helping listing signs or symptoms when I just do not know. I will have to see what the GPs next step is tomorrow once I have shown him what I feel explains me and how I am currently feeling since I last did, which is just the same, if not worse.

I certainly do not want to be treated for depression as I said, something else is the cause of it which is also a disorder of some kind. And the amount of SSRI or NRI medication I have went through is making me feel sick just thinking about it. No success with it. I also find it dangerous, having had seizures when reacted to one particular kind badly.

I dont know.

I can only see what the doctors do to help from this point forwards, I just appreciate those who taken there time to respond to me on here over the weeks. That is massively appreciated.

I will hopefully keep you posted on any progress I make in finding answers

Best Regards

B

[MrFlosk1986]

JillianP_RNLD DorrieReynolds Mrs_Teddy DrSarahmac

Hi guys, I hope you don't mind me tagging you in this, but as you were all the first to so kindly respond to my issue/s (to put it mildly) - I want to let you know how my second appointment with GP went today. Really, if I had followed the instructions he had given me more closely, I likely would have been referred to Specialist.

The Dr had given me sites such as mencap and others to read through and try and highlight myself with what conditions read out loud to me, a lot I was aware of, many I was not such as PDA (is it PDA?) apologies if incorrect, but it is alarming how much that described my behaviour in particularly through my late teens until early twenties and I wanted to know more about this though I was most certainly not ruling out anything else, as there are so many conditions on the Spectrum I could easily say 'well that happens every day, I feel that' and it is just a bit chaotic at the moment.

The Dr said he did not want me to return with my opinion on certain conditions and more examples - to cut long story short - he wanted me to write down every day what I am feeling. Though to be honest, I did not quite understand as what I am feeling does not necessarily include a direct link to anything I am convinced of on the spectrum I have been in the grips of in my firm belief for a long, long time. He says I was in such a state the last time he seen me that he understands on this occasion, it happens and to do an exercise over the rest of the week, and post him the pages I have written at the doctors when I get a chance next week

Though I am still not entirely clear, if there are any GPs on here who think they may know what he wants, or if anyone else has had to do the same thing??? The reason I am panicking is because the only way I can describe what is in my head at the moment is white noise, with a combination of tears streaming down my face and the constant feeling of grief. Each day I am seemingly experiencing a high-stress event that I definitely did not cause.

I have never been able to sleep in silence due to the things I have done in the past (not horrible things to people as such, nothing nasty) but regret, I have voices in my head that repeat and repeat and photographic memories of times when I was absolutely out of control, reckless and displayed a complete lack of inhibitive behaviour which at the time was considered 'funny' ... I didn't know when to stop. It ruined my life.

What I did read about was PDA which I had not heard about before and this is probably because it was not classified as a legit condition until 2002 .. the year I was supposed to have graduated school but didn't .. I absolutely wrecked that too

I explained to the GP I need to know more about this condition as it scares me how reading into this describes my day-to-day life, even today and to be honest, I dont even know what my life is. I know though I cannot diagnose myself but that scared me, how I have spent so long not looking into other possibilities when I know fine well autism/extreme mental health issues have come from my Grandmother (Dad's Mother's) side

As I say, I am suffering acute depressive illness and anxiety but I believe it is because there is something else missed that is the core of the issue. I have tried everything with medication for depression, to the point they given me seizures (controversial seroxat meds etc) and I will not return to any of them as they did absolutely nothing but make my behaviour 100 times worse

My family do not have a clue generally, when it comes to mental illness. I am not having any understanding, most of my best friends who I have not seen for years are of the attitude 'man up, he's acting like a clown' and I have never felt anyone truly understands what is happening. I feel like the pressure is killing me, I am not joking. It now has a physical effect breathing problems, palpitations, weight loss, trembling.

PDA is something I am absolutely convinced could be central to my problems, though. If something or someone can help me explain what my doctor wants, how do I do a day to day diary in this condition?? I told him I understand him but he seemed rushed this time, did theGP, but I need to get this right because one I do not want to waste NHS time and two it is absolutely crucial I see a specialist to try and find out what is going on. It has been too long and I am at breaking point. If I am fobbed off by a specialist I am scared about the future though not entirely bothered about me, if I live or die. My life is ruined already, 37 years nearly 38 and through all this behaviour (I assure you, I am not a bad person. no criminal records, just broken) I have absolutely nothing. I used to be a promising guitarist, I worked my way up the music industry, know a lot of famous musicians and actors today even. I had breakdowns and just given all my equipment away which costs a fortune. Why did this happen?? I moved back to my hometown, fell into addiction problems (I am on a program now seeing to this) but even always told the program , my mental health even far before these events, it needs looking into ... surgically.

If anyone can help me though I would be so grateful, I just want to know how the Dr wants the information from me, written down. It is so crazy, as I say my head is full of white noise or if not that, thinking of the end when the pain will just stop and then I will no longer be here to cause anyone problems. I wish I could articulate this better than just sound like a moody teenager but I am not. A 37 year old man. It is absolutely shameful but I need answers. I have tried my best to fight this and given all I had.

Thanks to you all you are all very lovely people and I hope to hear from you all ASAP