My son wants to move home

[Positivepixie]

I found my son a fantastic supported living flat with 24 hour care on site . He has autism, epilepsy, learning difficulties.

he’s lived there for 3 years , but now wants to come home as he says he misses me .

However, I see him every single day even ,taking him to work with me ( I’m a gardener) & he didn’t want to attend the day centre he was at anymore .

I wanted him to learn to live Independently before I’m to old , so I could over see things & still be you g enough to help him out .

He’s now 24, has no friends ( because he won’t talk due to his severe stammer ) but will talk to me .

He spends more time at my house than his but I also have his 2 younger sisters to look after ( aged 8 & 9)

The younger kids stress him out with their noise , that’s another reason we got him his own place .

But he says he misses me & wants to move home .

But it took so long to find him this flat & get everything into place , and it’s only a 10 minute drive from my house .

I wouldn’t have room for him now , as we had to move to a new rented house and there’s not enough bedrooms.

And he needs to learn to be independent, he’s an adult now & I worry so much about what he would do without me 😞

He seems lonely & depressed and doesn’t even like going back there now .. This is all breaking my heart , I just don’t know what to do for the best .

Thanks for reading x

[Eeviee]

hi there. Just to let you know my son is the same age and has supported living but his carers actually live in so he has company all the time if he wants it. They help him with his shopping, cooking and cleaning. He also has carers taking him out each day and we all try to find activities that are interesting to him He doesn’t have any friends ( which he would like ) and we also live nearby, so he can visit whenever he wants to. It is essential that our son becomes as independent as possible including emotionally independent so I believe you are absolutely doing the right thing for your son. It’s very hard but in our case our son has company from caring people 24/7 and he seems very happy at the moment. I presume your son was happy living away from you initially so what has changed ? Without knowing your sons daily routine or activities I suggest that perhaps your son needs more company or support where he lives plus stimulating activities , with support, from regular carers to help him have more fulfilling day time activities and perhaps some evening activities to help with the loneliness.

[Rupertthebear]

so sorry to hear that , why doesn’t he want to go to day center? Has something happened? As he has a stammer and reluctant to speak he may not be telling you everything or he’s frightened at night . What age does he function at?

An option might be let him stay one or two nights with you until he gets over what ever is troubling him may be his epilepsy is not controlled . It’s a red flag why he wants to come back , possibly friendship issue? Loneliness can be a slow torture.

[dora01]

Hi there. I have a son in supported living in a very good flat. 24 hour support is available on site and he has approx 23 hours 1-1 support. We find that his mental health and positivity is very much affected by the quality of the support he is receiving at any one time. He needs to have relationships where he is happy to talk about how he feels. He needs stimulating activities. If either of these things is not forthcoming for reasons of change in staff or staff shortage, for example, or as has been the case of late, the fact that carers don't want to use their cars to take clients out, he will become unhappy and negative. Not surprisingly. I have then to talk to the care providers and /or contact the social services to request more focussed support, which I have had to do from time to time on a fairly regular basis. I agree entirely with Eeviee's reply. Company, support, stimulating activities is necessary for all of us. You are absolutely right to try to maintain his independence but it would seem that he needs help now to do so.

[Annabellelily Community friend]

I’m sorry to hear this. It can be hard to know what’s best in a situation like this, because loneliness can be so awful. I think you’re doing an amazing job for him by thinking through every element of this situation, your deep love and care for him is very clear. 

I don’t have much advice, but as others have suggested, it could be an idea to ask him if there is any other reason that he might want to move back home, especially if he has been in this living situation a few years now, and trying to find smaller solutions that keep him where he is. With Autism, change, especially big lifestyle changes (such as moving house), can be a very difficult thing, so it could cause more issues than solutions. I’m wishing you both the best of luck as you tackle this.