how do I help my daughter become independent when she doesn’t believe she needs help.Especially regarding money and hygiene.

[Jester00]

Hi all,

My 24yr old daughter has mild learning disabilities and autism , but she falls into the middle line of being able to most things , but really not understanding , .She insists on not needing any help ,and since leaving college ,has decided she will do everything on her terms /time. To try and help with the independence she craved , I set up a joint basic bank account with her , she has a debit card , which is need because she does not understand value and hates using cash , but wanted to be able to buy her own clothes etc. Unfortunately this also allowed her to set up Netflix /Amazon accounts.

When she forgetthe passwords , instead of asking for help to retrieve them , from me or anyone else , she refuses to listen and just sets up another account. She will not keep a record of passwords.So now we have multiple accounts , which means lots monthly subscription for the same thing. Does anyone know how I could help her to stop doing this ,but let her stay in control..?

Keeping her room clean , having high anxiety, her bedroom is her safe space and she will not allow anyone in it , the only way I can clean it ,is if she is out. She is not hygienic , if something is spilt ,it will not get wiped up , she would rather sleep on bare mattress , duvet then allow anyone to change sheets. If I ask her to do it ,I get shouted at , The room smells and I don’t know what to do .It’s like living with a teenager , except I do not have any authority anymore, I can’t ‘ground her ‘ or stop pocket money ‘ . Any ideas?

[Jofisher]

oh god how difficult for you bless her we can understand she wants to be independent and make her own decisions, but she clearly isn’t able to do that but she lacks the insight to realise that. I would speak to adult social services regarding your concerns the safeguarding team as they would be best placed to advise and speak to the carers association as they can support you and Mencap helpline. Start there see where that takes you and then come back if you need any other support help. I hope you get some help and advice that’s useful.

[Jester00 in reply to Jofisher]

Thankyou for advice , she has a social worker , but she wasn’t very helpful , I will try the Mencap helpline.

[Jofisher in reply to Jester00]

I’ve paid for an independent social worker before she was an absolute godsend. Just another option did you speak to her social worker or the safeguarding team ? The safe guarding team are used to dealing with the issues you mentioned on your post.

[Jester00]

I have had quite a lot of contact with social worker and safeguarding for other situations and have mentioned these problems ,but as she doesn’t engage with them ,they because she “doesn’t need help” her appointed social worker just seems to listen to me but doesn’t offer any pro active help.

[Mybestfriends]

Hi sorry to hear your struggles, do you not have any P.O.Attorney, you certainly Should have in these circumstances, Adult Social Care should of Assessed you & Daughters Needs. If the Social Worker, Safeguarding Team are not helping, I would ask for Another Needs Assessment. My Adult Son is the same, lives independently but I have POA for all except Medical as he has Capacity. As your Daughter doesn't have the skills for the things you mentioned in your Post, surely the Social Care, Safeguarding Team, should be working hard for you to help you sort this out. I would Call Amazon Explain (Daughters is Autistic, Learning Disabilities ) Multi Accounts that she cannot get into etc & Cancel DDebits say your Mum & Carer with POA, Talk to Daughters Bank.

[Jester00]

Your reply is very interesting, I do not have POA because I thought that to get that , my daughter would have to agree to it or agree to be assessed.Which she will not do .

[Eeviee in reply to Jester00]

hi. I would get in touch with the office of the public guardian (OPG.org.Uk) that deal with deputyships and power of attorney. Your daughter clearly lacks capacity in certain areas and they might be able to give you some advice as to how you can assist your daughter best. Deputies and attorneys always should act in the best interests of the main person so if you can demonstrate that they should be able to give you some advice. Mencap can also give you a list of legal advisers that might help you too. Good luck

[Jester00 in reply to Eeviee]

Thankyou for your help , I will look into this.

[Sugar59]

Gosh, I so relate to your issues.

I have a 24 year old daughter with learning disabilities, and we've been there too.

Her behaviour was out of control.

I decided to seek supported living arrangements for her through the LA SS. Best thing ever - after over 16 months she's realising what it means to strive for real independence, and she's not so keen.

She comes to stay with me A LOT, and wants to stay longer rather than returning to her new 'home'.

Our grown kiddos need to experience the real world before they can understand how we have kept them safe and loved.

Good luck, and feel free to message me for any support.

[Jester00 in reply to Sugar59]

Thankyou , I think that this probably going to be the answer , But the thought of doing it terrifies me ,knowing despite her desire for independence, how much she relies on me .

[LearningLot in reply to Sugar59]

My daughter is similar to Jester00's but not yet an adult. I am leaning towards supported living as we are already having some of the issues they describe. Does supported living keep young women safe? For example , if they meet a man (either online or in person) and just want to go off with them. How would that type of issue be handled?

[Sugar59 in reply to LearningLot]

Does your daughter have a social worker? She needs to be assessed so that appropriate supported living accommodation meets her needs.

If she's an independent traveller, your concerns can be met inside but not when she's out.

My daughter's not so, thankfully, measures have been put in place to keep her safe.

[LearningLot in reply to Sugar59]

She hasn't started the process of being assessed for adult services yet so I have no idea how that process will go. If they ask her for her opinion, I'm sure she will tell them she doesn't need any support. I'm not sure what the decision will be about travel. She is capable of following a journey once taught, but lacks stranger danger. When you say inside, you mean her internet usage would be monitored? Even if she objected?

[Jester00 in reply to LearningLot]

Hi , I have had a few experiences relating to online relationships , and situations involving actual relationships,all with men ,a lot older.Despite her vulnerability, the police and social services ,safeguarding etc ,nothing could be done , because she has not had a formal assessment and refuses .By law she is deemed to have capacity.(even though no one believes it).

The only way we could legally intervene was to apply to court of protection .Which I was told would remove all her rights and put very tough restrictions in place. My advice if your daughter is willing would be to have an assessment , get power of attorney,if appropriate, see if you can speak to the families of someone in support living . Before it really becomes necessary, I wish I had,

[LearningLot in reply to Jester00]

Thank you. I will look into power of attorney.