looking for relationships

[Roseinthegarden]

Hi.

I have a 27 year old son who is on the autistic spectrum and has moderate learning difficulties. He lives at home and is generally very happy. He is unable to work due to his learning disabilities but he is not upset about this.

He enjoys his own company, spending most of his time is his room listening to music and watching videos etc. With his immediate family he is able to interact and enjoys being together. However In unfamiliar situations he can be very uncomfortable.

Getting to the point, and I find this a little difficult to explain. I do it carefully as I do not want to upset anyone.

My son would love to have friends and possibly a relationship with people that, in his words, “are just like him”.

He has tried several different social groups but hasn’t been able to meet anyone that has similar needs and he has been uncomfortable in the groups. That said, there is not a bad bone in his body, he accepts everyone for what they are.

He has no physical disabilities and is a good looking young man. Until you meet him you would not know that he had any disabilities. I guess he fits into the ‘ hidden disabilities’ bracket.

He would love to settle down and have children. It really is his sole ambition in life. When he talks about this he can get quite upset as he feels it will never happen.

I just wonder and hope that maybe someone is able to give me some support or guidance here to help get my son on the right track.

Thank you for reading this.

[Mybestfriends]

God I could of wrote this, Exactly my Son who is 32yrs. Joining the local Gym, helps when my Son wants to go, Art Class close by would be good, but to be honest my Son doesn't want to join Mhealth Groups, even though he comes under that category aswell as his LD, ASD, Schizophrenia, its So Hard.

[Mybestfriends]

Also how do you get on with any noise complaints, my Son has to have Soundproofing (whole Living room) in his new place, once he agrees on a flat. Because he uses, Plays Guitars plugged into Amps, Sings Loud & quieter, uses QueBase on Laptop, Records himself, writes Lyrics . Lives independently, currently home waiting another more suitable Accommodation.

[Roseinthegarden in reply to Mybestfriends]

HiThank you for getting in touch. It helps to hear from others in similar situations.

My son is still at home and although he loves his music, he permanently wears his headphones so we don’t have to worry about the noise. When he was younger he used to sing at the top of his voice and completely out of tune 🤣. Thankfully he’s grown out of that.

Take care.

[Purdybaby in reply to Mybestfriends]

Hi dont mind me asking how did you get him in independent living as want my son also to live on his own as im getting to old now and just had surgery to have breast cancer removed . Suppose to have no stress around me but my son livng with me makes my life very difficult ar times

[Mybestfriends in reply to Purdybaby]

Well it was Gp who called, early intervention team out, after our visit to see Son's Gp, as he had Heartbreak from split with first love, fault of her Friend kissed him, while he wanted her to call his first love girlfriend. So he was very upset & couldn't get to explain. He'd also done a year Music College, but told year two, would be too much for him. The Early intervention team, discussed with Son at our home, asked us parents to leave him with them, for 1 hour. On returning, they discussed our Son learning to live independently, in one of their Supported housing places. So that's what happen, he was 18yrs, Amht Dr diagnosed him Schizophrenia, instead of looking to diagnose ASD with Heartbreak. Which he is diagnosed ASD now. But has Phychosis from traumas.

[Michele1965]

Hi Roseinthegarden Isn't it shocking that in 2022 we are seeking help in forums with our peers in order to help our loved ones not only find but, we in some subliminal level, we are also seeking permission, from society to help our children/siblings/family members, the right to something so fundamental and so vital to all of mankind! My position is that my beautiful 19yo son has severe learning disability and classic autism, his cognitive difference describes him as akin to a two year old and I found succour in anticipating he would not have the understanding to recognise his difference, would not be impacted by it emotionally or psychologically, nor would he seek companionship love warmth and sexual connection from another. I thought this lack of interest in such a deep seated yearning would save him the pain if rejection. His maturation in the area of wanting love and relationships has surfaced and is being displayed in myriad ways. This deep seated need for connecting should and needs to be embraced enthusiastically by society. Our so called advocated in social care should be normalising educating the wider community of our loved ones rights and entitlement to live and be loved and offer opportunities for this to become a reality. How empowering would that be! Until people recognise accept wholeheartedly and embrace the buried truth that the learning different community are of value of worth and equal citizens I am outraged that right to sexual relationships or loving partnerships will only be for the very select few. I wish you success in your search. The TV show the Undatables is hopefully making inroads to forging a new level of acceptance of the need for love. Help and support from you for your son is without doubt, I hope you find the support to help him secure the companionship and love he seeks and deserves as we all seek and deserve.

[Mybestfriends in reply to Michele1965]

Absolutely!!

[Roseinthegarden in reply to Michele1965]

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot ❤️

[Mommajan_]

Hi Roseinthegarden

My daughter Alana is in the same boat … she is 24 years old … has a moderate/severe LD and a condition called Dystonia (which is a movement disorder). But she is the loveliest, kindest and happy young woman in the world!

Like your son … all she dreams of is a “boyfriend”, getting married someday and having a baby … and it breaks my heart that it’s the one thing I as a parent can’t make happen 😔

Does your son use Facebook etc? Maybe they could be friends at least. We are in Northern Ireland sadly, I’m not sure where you are.

My name is Janet Boal and my profile pic is the 5 of us, if you’d like to pm me.

Our beautiful young people deserve love and friendship as much, if not more than anyone - because it’s so much more difficult for them.

Thank you for sharing. You’ve made me feel like I’m not alone ❤️ Xx

[Mommajan_ in reply to Mommajan_]

Sorry - the 4 of us! (Typo lol)

Facebook profile picture

[Roseinthegarden in reply to Mommajan_]

Hi JanetIt is so hard isn’t it? I really have tried so many different avenues for Jack but nothing ever seems to suit.

Unfortunately we live a long way a way - Essex and sadly

Jack doesn’t actually use Facebook as he has had some bad experiences in the past.

I truly hope your daughter finds a lifelong partner and fulfils her dream, like my son, to marry and have a baby.

Take care

Linda x

[Mommajan_ in reply to Roseinthegarden]

Aw no problem at all Linda. We can never give up hope and keep in our minds that there is someone for everyone ☺️ Take care ❤️ Xx

[Mommajan_ in reply to Mommajan_]

… and thank you for your kind wishes ❤️ Xx

[Head_cook in reply to Mommajan_]

You could try Fitzroy.org Love4Life?

[Head_cook in reply to Mommajan_]

You could try Fitzroy.org Love4Life?

[Mommajan_ in reply to Head_cook]

Thank you so much Head_cook for your reply. I will look into that 😊 thank you

[Head_cook]

You could try Fitzroy.org Love4Life?

[CALLADINE]

I am in the same boat. My daughter 28 years old on the autistic ,spectrum, we have tried numerous clubs, societies, art class, bowling to no avail, she doesnt want to go there. She is also desparate for friends. All she would need is someone like her to be a good mate. She enjoys her own company, playing with her cat, and seeing mum and dad on a very regular basis. Her nature is lovely, she is very kind and loyal to friends, who will sometimes take advantage of her vulnerability. There should be a meet a friend site for all these lovely young people because there are hardly any ways they can get to meet people. We live in Derbyshire whereabouts are you ?

[Roseinthegarden in reply to CALLADINE]

Hi CalladineThank you for getting in touch.

I’ve always thought that there has to be people out there with similar needs that want relationships, but it’s just so hard to find them isn’t it?

Sadly we’re a long distance away, living in Essex. Xx

[Library-girl]

Hi you are certainly not alone with this my son is 22 and has Down’s syndrome and autism and having a girlfriend marriage etc has been on his agenda since he was 15 and as you say it’s heartbreaking as a parent to be unable to help. He has a younger brother who is now out all the time with friends etc and this just heightens my older sons wish to have friends and a girlfriend- he has even posted on Facebook that he is single and looking for a girlfriend 😢 so he is even proactive in his own way but TBH he sometimes has problems on social media because of how he expresses himself - he can be direct and defensive- (luckily we’ve set privacy settings and he is friends with my friends and family members so I can intervene if needed) I think @ Mencap really need to do more in this area. It’s a shame you’re down in Essex as we’re in Manchester our boys could have been friends!! However like some other posts say even when they have opportunities to meet friends this aspect can also be difficult especially I think when autism is involved as I know my son attends social groups but sort of stays on the edge as he finds it hard to connect good luck with everything 🤗😊

[Roseinthegarden in reply to Library-girl]

Thank you for your kind words. I hope too that your son finds happiness with a life long partner.Take care xx

[Glenhurst9 in reply to Library-girl]

Whereabouts r u?

[Silverelephant]

Hi. I have a 30 year old daughter with LD and autism who wants nothing more then to have a relationship like her sister. She asked me to help her sign up to a dating site, I’m sure you can imagine my concerns. I’ve been looking for something suitable and came across this one hft.org.uk/our-services/luv.... We have just completed the application form so I can’t tell you how successful it will be and they do seem to only cover certain areas.

[Roseinthegarden in reply to Silverelephant]

Thank you for sending this. I too have tried a couple of dating agencies for my son.

Unfortunately we haven’t had much luck here and the people on there are all over the country. We have just joined Autistic Empathy which was shown on BBC news recently. This is an app. Early days so not sure how it will go.

Take care

Linda

[flaounes4T]

Hi Rose in the Garden, You sound just like me !!! My son [52] Never had friends-- until we went to Cyprus in 2010. Lived in a Village, he set up Private Gardening work [I did his hours/cash stuff] We also volunteered at Cat Sanctuary. Villagers were lovely/friendly/Chatted to us. When told by British Nurse {Rtd] son was Autistic, I planned our return, [For help/support/etc] My son agreed to return but After brief thought said----'Its funny-- I've made more friends here in 6 yrs than I ever had in UK' That was true. How terrible that a Man can feel that but be unable to alter things. A mother naturally looks forward to children Growing/ Marrying/ Settling down happily------but it doesnt always happen. This is Reality for some folk, and I just spoke to a ' Job' person who said I Have to make my son Mix more !!! We have no family, so my son will struggle. Maybe we should start a Mutual Aid Society for Shy Autistic Adults !!! Stay Strong For you Both flaounis4T

[Roseinthegarden in reply to flaounes4T]

Wouldn’t that be lovely.I’ve always said that if I came into lots of money I would set up somewhere for young adults just like ours. Somewhere they can meet and socialise. There are several places out there but never anything that quite fits the bill. X

[Clouds12]

Hi Roseinthegarden my son is 34 with moderate learning disability lives at home. All he wants is someone to love. He’s been on dating sites but nothing ever comes from it. I say to him he needs to join clubs and meet people but when suffering with anxiety and depression it isn’t easy. He recently lost his job he is devastated, with my help we are taking it to a tribunal as he feels he’s been unfairly treated (discriminated against) it gave him a purpose something to get up for, now he spends all his time in his bedroom drinking ( his way of coping) Although life is always so difficult he always seems to find his way through and find some positivity to carry on, he’s amazing! I just pray things will turn a corner and things will get good again for him. We his family will always be there for him and just try and guide him through life and stay positive and look for the good things that’s all anyone can do.

[Roseinthegarden in reply to Clouds12]

I'm so sorry to hear of you son's situation. As parents we spend our lives worrying and always looking to help them achieve their goals. I hope your son works through this difficult time. X

[Clouds12 in reply to Roseinthegarden]

Thank you Roseinthegarden. Your son sounds a wonderful young man. It is so difficult when you have a son/daughter with learning disabilities all you want is for them to be happy, and it sound like you’re doing a wonderful job.

[outdoorsy1]

familiar story - my son the same - although he did get a gf, that taught him that a relationship is difficult if you like to keep all your routines etc and not alter them for another person....

something that he does enjoy is interacting with similar people online - have you looked at clicktogether.co.uk this isn't for relationships or individual friendships, but groups coming together for various activities - eg quiz, opinion time, animals etc. He gets a lot of of just interacting with others, even if it isn't the friendships he wants too. he tells me it is great just to be with people like him. just a thought.

[Roseinthegarden in reply to outdoorsy1]

Thank you for this. Unfortunately Jack just doesn't feel comfortable in group situations in any setting. One to one he is much better.Glad to hear your son is making friends and interacting with groups online though. X

[outdoorsy1 in reply to Roseinthegarden]

fair enough - I assume he has tried online things? my son doesn't enjoy groups at all but he feels completely differently behind a screen.

[dymafi]

Have you checked out Supported Loving?