Help with dealing with obsessive behaviour & spending habits

[Pink-lady1]

My adult son has various obsessions. I found them easier to control when he was a child. He is an adult now & lives independently with my support. He works & has his own money. How do I control his spending? He saves up & spends all his money on very expensive obsessive items. He earns the money himself. There is no reasoning with him once his mind is set on obtaining a particular item. His home is overflowing with stuff he has purchased & he won’t get rid of anything, even the bags & boxes.

I would be grateful for any advice from anyone in a similar situation.

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Ask him to put standing order(fixed amount of money) every month so he builds his savings in bank account

[LDAutie]

hi Pink-lady1 youve kind of described myself there,i buy expensive thiings and im a horder as well including with boxes and rubbish but i live in supported living and have my own 24 hr day/waking night care and im under an appointee, i have a top up equals mastercard, and get my weekly money put on it by my apointee and support staff have to collect all the receits and send them back to the apointee and she used to comment if i was buying to much thomas the tank engine stuff or computer games from steam or GAME or LPs/vinyl and im supported to make better choices but if i spend it all,i spend it all as ive got no acess to my bank acount.

so,i wonder woud encouraging him to swap to a mastercard/visa top up card instead of a debit card be the way to go? as you cant acess the bankk to put more money on,as long as you set it up and he doesnt have the password-like what my apointee did.

one of the best things top up cards do is if it gets stolen you cant have your bank acount emtied like you can with debit or credit cards (which happened to my dad once),id put this across to him as a good reason to get a top up card.

the other way woud be for him to have a apointee-he probably wont like it as he wont get money instantly. as far as i know,the council run a apointee scheme but i was told it costs something like forty odd quid a week or month? (sorry,i cant remember which) my apointees have always been free as theyve been under the care companies i live with.

another thing you coud do with him,if hes got a favurite charity, ask him if hed like to fundraise for them by selling things he hasnt used for so long? or giving them to a shop owned by the charity he likes?

one of the things my support staff help me do is when tidying, they say to me, lets do a small area each day or so,so it isnt so imposible looking to face? and it kind of works.

or getting a book shelf from somewhere like ikea, and using it to store his treasured items in an organised way-ive got alot of my collectable items on a 'billy' book shelf from ikea including steiff and charlie bears and my rabbit binkys ashes urn (shaped like a rabbit).

i hope ive given some good enough ideas, if not i can have another rthink.

[Pink-lady1 in reply to LDAutie]

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. I am his mother & also his appointee. He already has a card that I load with money each week plus he gets some cash as well.

He saves & saves so he can purchase his latest desired obsessional / objects. He is focused on getting what he wants.

Thanks for the idea and f tidying a small manageable area. That really helps. I will also take on board your ideas of storage solutions.

Many thanks for your help.

[LDAutie in reply to Pink-lady1]

hi Pink-lady1 no problem, any time.

ive just had a thought, though it depends if glass woud be a risk or not-as hes really into his collections,theres a all glass cabinet you can get as my staff have told me to get it for my rare japanese computer game collection-its tall,thin so it doesnt get in the way and has shelves inside,so you can see it from any direction unlike a bookcase. i think its desined to be a corner cabinet but im going from a dogy memory. with one of these you (he) coud see the loved items and not get any dust or hair etc on them,so they really do stay collectable.

it probably sounds like i work for them lol but it was also on the ikea website.

[Rupertthebear]

That’s really hard . You need to give him an incentive to save . What does he like doing ? It depends on his motivation . My younger son has started to go to the shop and buy fizzy drinks and sweets . Which are both unhealthy for him . I am trying to think of what he could save for that’s healthy may be a Nandos meal . It’s sometimes stress that causes people to keep buying different things a feel good factor . It would be good if you could get him to invest some money for say a caravan holiday etc. Give him achievable goals that will motivate him.

[Pink-lady1 in reply to Rupertthebear]

He’s an adult aged 25. He works full time. His shopping habits are very expensive. He is motivated to save up hundreds of pounds to buy just one item. As you say it’s a buzz and the feeling of excitement with the newly purchased item only lasts a few days or a week. Then he is looking for the next item to buy. I am his financial appointee. But I don’t want to restrict his money or cut it back because he works so hard. I am trying to motivate his interest in buying things for his home & doing up his place, & making it a nice place for him to live.

[FragileXmum]

When I read your message it really rang loud bells with me. I have two sons with learning disabilities, the older one (aged 33) is definitely a compulsive spender and hoarder. We have come to realise over the years that it is something that is a part of his nature and will never change, and our attempts to help him understand that some of these habits aren't healthy don't really get anywhere. For the past 6 years he has house-shared with his younger brother, with 24/7 support, and the spending and hoarding has continued to be a feature of his life. He has a fixed weekly budget for personal spending, and especially over the past couple of years when social/leisure opportunities were reduced we found his spending on 'stuff' increased. It has also translated into 'saving' food for its expiry date - he can't get the hang of eating it beforehand. Often it means food is wasted and thrown out because it's gone past its date and support staff aren't then allowed to keep it. We all try and reinforce the concept of saving for something he'll really enjoy, such as a cycling trip or holiday, and this has worked to an extent, but in reality we know it's forever going to be a battle ground. Every few months we try and help him to have a sort out and cull of things he really doesn't need, and this has resulted in a couple of successful car boot sales, but it doesn't give any longer term solutions.Will be interested to see what other strategies are suggested via this forum.

[Pink-lady1 in reply to FragileXmum]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I am beginning to realise this will be a lifetime battle & I won’t be able to change his obsessive spending & hoarding. It takes a lot of persuading for him to part with any of the stuff. I managed to sort a small amount with his permission. I sold the items on marketplace & i gave him the money. But he then bought more stuff. It’s a vicious circle. It’s difficult when they are adults. He also works full time so it’s hard to say no & restrict his his money. He does get a set amount each week loaded on a prepaid card. He saves the money up to buy very expensive items which he doesn’t need. I tell myself it could be worse, at least he isn’t spending on drinking & drugs.

[Clouds12]

Hi, it’s very interesting reading all the posts on this. My son is 34 has a learning disability and lives at home with us. He used to spend all the time and now he saves all the time. He is a hoarder and can go as far as keeping food out of date, boxes, etc…and would get upset if things were thrown away. I explain about out of date food and the dangers and try and encourage him to get rid of things that aren’t really needed. It’s all very difficult, we recently moved ( downsized) which he found incredibly difficult, and we’ve had to get a shed to accommodate all of my sons things he’s collected over the years, a lot of the things he really will never use again. I realise this is all part of who he is and his anxieties, and we try and do our best to keep things happy for everyone.