Took my sister to her 3 month post scan consult today and though I know the path of melanoma and her particularly aggressive tumors was still shocked to hear the news that her liver tumors are at 8 and 9 centimeters and it is continuing to spread and grow despite the clinical trials and drugs. She had a ruptured brain lesion not long ago and has lost some of her peripheral vision but until just a couple of weeks ago was feeling well despite all of it. We are now downtown in a hotel after getting a referral today and consult at another hospital at 8am tomorrow morning for another clinical trial. My sister now lives with our parents and it is quite far from the hospital so staying Downtown was easiest.
I picked up food and bought us jammies and as I watch her sleep I can’t imagine what she must be feeling It is after midnight and I can’t sleep all I want to do is cry. Though there may be a clinical trial that could slow down the inevitable we know that hope and time are dwindling In many ways we are lucky, we are a very close family and we have been spending time together taking a large group trip last summer to spend time together our great palliative care person spoke to both of us today and I was happy that she was able to have a substantive conversation with my sister and will continue to reach out to her
Thank you for the indulgence I needed to talk or text and everyone is asleep and I am having trouble keeping all the emotions in and I dont want to wake my sister. I wish I could fix this and make it better, I wish I had the words to ease my sisters fears, I wish that they find a cure, I wish I had more time - just more time