How do you get help for a loved one?

[Heady]

I think my Mum has Alzheimer's. We finally got her to go to the GP, but her partner is fighting all the way, although he did take her to the doctors. He needs help as well, having had several strokes. My sister and I have tried talking to the doctor, but with no joy. They don't want to know anything we have to say, just listen to Mum and her partner who say everything is fine. We know it's not. She is very confused most of the time, forgetting things, her personality has changed, lost all interested in all aspects of life.

While we don't want to interfere, and on the surface, they seem to be coping. It's the medication that really concerns us. She is in a complete muddle about taking her drugs (other problems) and her partner, who we asked to help her, now seems to be overdosing her. What can we do? Who can we contact to say all is not well. They need help now, not when they hit rock bottom, although that's not too far off!

It's heart breaking, just having to watch her struggle, when we know there is help out there. Neither of them will let us anywhere near now. Her partner is very anti us now and is causing big problems, which obviously, not helping Mum one bit!

Anybody got any suggestions, we know we are not the first to be in position and sadly won't be the last!

Heady

[perrystalsis]

Local authorityu

[Heady]

Thanks Perry, but which department!

[secondhandrose2]

I suggest you contact an organisation like Age Concern or Help the Aged and see whether they can offer a volunteer visitor - that may relieve the burden on you a little but also if someone outside the family also expresses concern that will support your own views. Meanwhile is it possible for you to put out your mum's meds into one of those weekly pill things so they are sorted for each week, that way her partner will not be able to accidentally overdose her - if you think it is intentional that's another matter and you should contact the duty social worker in the community care for the elderly team. It will be a worry for you knowing your mum needs help but if she is able to appear normal then she still has a degree of control which is one positive thing. You might join the local group for Carers who can support you and may well be able to offer advice. You might also write a simple letter to her GP to explain what you think is happening - you could say that you appreciate that due to confidentiality they will not be able to respond to you but that you want to put them in the full picture. Other than that although it is painful you need to get on with living your own life and allow your mum to live hers even if it means she is allowing herself to be at risk. You might just write to your mum at times to let her know that you care, just a warm card telling her you love her and would like to see her. As I said, if you are seriously worried about her partner's intentions then do contact the welfare department.

No doubt if one of our regulars Lucy reads your post she will understand exactly the position you are in as she is coping with a similar problem. Sorry I can't be of more help, it is always hard to see those we love decline and yet refuse help.

Suexx

[Heady in reply to secondhandrose2]

Hi Sue, thanks for your reply. Mum has got Alzheimer's, now the problem is getting her to accept it, thinks she has done something wrong, that we are all saying these terrible things about her! But we are slowly getting use to that.

We are trying to get the pharmacy to put all her pills in a sealed cassette, but neither of them wants that to happen. She does have her tablets in a weekly dish, that her partner sorts, it just that he will put one lot out, then when she has taken them, takes tomorrow's out ready, so of course, when she sees those, she takes them, thinking that she hasn't taken today's!!! I think he is worse than her now!

Did finally get to see a doctor, very nice young man, I think it must have been his first time of dealing with this problem so did take us seriously, now our comments are on Mum's notes, but whether it will do any good, I don't know, but at least, me and my sister feel as if we have done something!

A person from Age Concern is going to visit soon, hopefully she will be able to help. I think a crisis is coming fairly soon, Mum felt a bit dizzy, so her partner called an ambulance, the doctor was called to the house for another minor condition, so I don't think it will be long before Social Service get involved. But as you rightly said, there is nothing I can do, bar let them live as independently as possible until then!

I really don't have any choice, I am a full time carer for my husband, so have little spare time anyway!

Lots of love

Heady

[franceray]

My husband is like that ,he even told me before one of his appointments ,that he would not let them win and made big efforts to hide every thing .you may have to let it go until it causes major problems.