I cannot decide if I am angry or heart broken.

[ladyofcastile]

Throughout my life I have been abused, patronized and judged for being "fat". I couldn't understand my body. Neither my mother who tormented me and severely restricted my food. 3 older slim sibling and then, there you go, a fat little girl. It had to be my fault. It was assumed that I had no self control or I was a secret eater, that I was lazy and somehow stupid. I looked at myself in the mirror as a little girl and I liked what I saw. I had a very tiny waist, slender, elegant shoulders and neck, lovely back, beautiful forearms...I just had this big upper arms, this big legs and chunky calves and my ankles would swell as soon as the temperature rose. When I turned 16, I stopped eating. I was an anorexic for nearly a decade. I never looked the part, except for being all eyes. my hair falling in handfuls and my waist measuring 22", just 3" over what was an acceptable waist for and elegant Victorian woman...in a tight laced corset. So no one knew, I was dying and no one knew. Because my body didn't changed much and that odd, loose, dimply fat stayed, I came to believe that I had been designed to live with no food at all. That is how desperate, confused and alone I was. I was always a very active person. I never overate. I had flat mates telling me that they didn't understand my "weight" problem, that in all logic, I should be thinner than them. I didn't understand either, but I kept blaming myself and trying, and trying harder, having to endure the way people look at you, the comments...One woman says "I am blessed with a fast metabolism" and it's fine, no one says: "no, that is not possible, you stick your fingers down your throat, for sure". Another woman says: "I am very active, I actually eat less than it is reasonable and I don't understand why I don't lose weight" and the immediate reaction is: "yeah, right, for sure you are all day on the couch watching TV and stuffing your face".

At 53, I am an experience solo mountain hiker, I barely use public transport because I walk everywhere, I live in a third floor flat with no lift, I swim for 2 hours twice a week, I take part in 10K races, I cycle, I recently took part on my first sprint triathlon, I do ballroom, I go horse riding whenever I can, I do yoga every night and I do strength training with a set of two 6kg weights several times a week. People look at me and they don't get it.

I get it now. At 53.

I think I am going to cry.

[Chocolate-e-clare]

Dear Ladyofcastile, I hear your story. I can relate to much of it (although I think you are much fitter than me). I have 5 sisters. I was the fat one. However, my eldest sister has gained considerable weight since her 30's and has not been able to shift it, even with considerable exercise and significant reduction of food intake - I am sure she has lipoedema (bruising, painful fat, ...). In my early forties, I underwent intensive exercise and food reduction over a period of 3 months and dropped many pounds of fat (off my upper body) and gained many pounds of muscle - I felt fantastic, but the fat on my legs and bottom stayed (I had shrunk a little but not much). I have some swelling from time to time - I've always had thick/squishy ankles (I've always wanted prominent achilles tendons - never had). I am now a lymphoedema therapist so I understand swelling a fair bit. Wearing compression can help you with reducing swelling and boosting circulation, especially when you are exercising. The biggest problem for me is still accepting the body I have been born with, and having to keep moving all day long - I love my food - I have a great appetite - and I know that if I don't move, I'm going to store the food in my body. Crying is OK. Acceptance of self, and self-love is important - and a work in progress for me. And then there is age - I am 51 and my body is continually changing shape - age, hormones, ..... A work in progress. I must congratulate you on being so active - despite the body you have been given, you are a strong and powerful woman. An inspiration. Hugs xoxo

[ladyofcastile in reply to Chocolate-e-clare]

Thank you for your replies, ladies. To be able to understand what was happening to me has been massive. I am still seeing a fantastic psychotherapist trying to sort out the profound, complex trauma that I see now it's closely linked, not only with this condition, but with the utter ignorance, arrogance and cruelty we get subjected to through our lives. Someone asked me if it was wise of me to set challenges to myself that were way, way beyond my strength. My answer was that the very process of trying, over and over, even if I never succeed, will have taken me far beyond anything I though possible. I see now that I have been able to contain and manage this condition, not even knowing what was wrong, by persevering on my self care, using my common sense, overcoming self consciousness, getting rid of negative, sneering people in my life and trying very hard to ignore those I cannot get rid of. There is nothing wrong with me. I have a genetic condition, I inherited it from my ancestresses. And you know what? I feel like thinking about those women and wondering who they were. I am going to love myself so much more now.

[Franglaise in reply to ladyofcastile]

You are a very brave courageous lady.....I also think you have found your thing with the challenges you set yourself.

Good on you for getting rid of the negative people.

Love yourself as you are worth it.

[ladyofcastile in reply to Franglaise]

Much courage to build and much to learn yet. Thank you.

[lymphite]

What you have done is amazing! You have become such an athlete. It seems that the biggest impact to you has been the way other people look at you. I would hope you could stop caring so much about what others think rejoice in the amazing things your body can do. I work constantly not to look at my scars and swollen arm as damaged but instead as cured of disease and be thankful for life and having two arms to use. It is the only way I can control the angry feelings I get. Wishing you the best.

[laurasmith]

Bless you! How liberating it must feel to finally have answers. What trials you have been through throuout your life to get to this place though. It’s not easy when you are left not knowing why for so long.