Does anyone else feel like a' changed person' sin... - ICUsteps
Does anyone else feel like a' changed person' since Icu, if so are you able to say in what way, I have withdrawn into myself and am 'nervy'
I very much feel like a changed person in a positive way, I now have a new outlook of life, coming so close to death has made me realise material thing in life don't matter so much to me anymore.
I am now involved in a local ICU support group that I helped to set and I find listening to other people's experences and discussing with them how we all deal with the trauma, nightmare's and the guilt can be a great help in coming to terms with what has happened, but we all know it's something none of us will ever forget.
I think you are very lucky, Luckyone we have nothing like that up here in Aberdeenshire. I was in Aberdeen Royal Infirmary ICU and although one of the followup nurses seems to know something about the dreams and nightmares we can suffer from, once you leave ICU (which I do not remember one second about) you are really left to get on with it. I have a dry palate, which means I drink all the time. Well I have since found out that apparently I was slow to come around from the 2 week medical induced coma and I was very confused and I kept on shouting that I wanted a drink of water (Even though I did not and do not remember doing this I am now very embarrassed about it). Anyway in my honest opinion because of this they removed me off the ICU to the ward 4 days to early (I say 4 days because again I do not remember anything at all for the first 4 days, and having a catheter fitted in ICU (2) I did not have one on the ward and so soiled the bed a number of times with diarrhea).
The dreams continued (as they still do every night now) and the hallucinations were terrible. I still do not know if things I heard were really said, or things i saw or was done to me really happened or not.
I went into the ICU after having a heart attack, pulmonary oedema, pnemonia and a lower respiratory tract infection, and now I have ended up with liver cirrhosis, but the worst thing is the mental scars, nightmares, and dreams it has left. I know that the nightmare and dreams are not real, but every night they are as real as life itself. I try and tell people, but to them everyone dreams. They have no idea and there is no one to help. So I just hope we can help each other.
The way I am thinking I must have suffered from lack of oxegen and have suffered brain damage, because I wish I never came out of the coma. I know that you will all be discusted, and I should be glad that I suvived, but I am not the same person that I was before this started in June. So I am sorry to those of you are horrified by this.
Mike you should never feel guilty of the thought that you wished you never survived I thought the same, all the pain I had put my family through, watching me everyday not knowing if I would survive I just thought they would be better off without me, I had double pneumonia, sepsis and multiple organ failure which brought on ARDS, the doctors told my wife 3 days before xmas 2010 I had a less than 10% chance of survival I spent 88 days in ICU and another 12 days on a ward. I still feel guilty about surviving but with the help of my family and friends I am the lucky one and by starting a support group I can now help others.
I was in ICU two and a half years ago. I couldn't tell dreams from reality, I kept dreaming of my granddaughter putting on orange socks, and thought that was reality, and lying in a bed unable to move, with a hideous thing down my throat, was a nightmare.Then I thought its unusual to have the same nightmare over and over again, and knew it was real. I did have terrible nightmares that still haunt me but they get less as time passes but I'll never forget them. I was sure the nurses were going to kill me, inject me with petrol and set fire to me.
I don't tell people about it anymore, they don't understand. How can anyone understand who hasn't been there. That's what's so good about this site, we can tell each other.
Mike, i have read ur msg and feel it all!!
I do not think anybvody shud be horrified by ur comment, i just know that we all have diff outcomes f how we feel about this horrendous expeiernce.
This site is FANTASTIC i have to say, cos everything everyone is putting is what i felt when i was recovering and maybe had i known it was not abnormal, mabybe the recovery would of felt better??
Mike,
My advice would be that it definitely gets better with time. I was in ICU in Jan 2011 and it took over a year before I started to feel better mentally. I was only in ICU for 4 days, but suffered a horrific, terrifying delerium. I was invited back into ICU after about 4 or 5 months and shown around. I found that experience helped. When I explained to the nurse at that time, that I was suffering mentally, she referred me to psychiatric after care. I received that treatment 9 months after being in ICU, but I found it really worthwhile and it helped me greatly.
I was in Ninewells, Dundee ICU, so we're not that far appart. I think it would be a good idea to speak to ICU staff or a GP and ask what psychiatric care they can offer. I think there is a stigma associated with it, but I didn't care, as long as it helped!! It was explained to me that 1 in 5 of all patients who have been in ICU, need follow on, after care for their mental health. People like ourselves suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome. It's obvious when you think about it..... we have been through extremely traumatic experiences!! I hope you find the help you need!
I should have answered the initial question!! Yes, I did find that I was a changed person to begin with. I could sit in a room full of people and feel withdrawn and alone. But as I mentioned previously.... time is a great healer! You will slowly get back to your old self!
Thank you all for your kind messages, they do help to let you know your not alone when you think you have mentally lost it. If you really want to know why I feel like I do I have just left my blog. Sorry that it is so long.
Further to above, please read my blog and let me know what I can do. The GP says the dreams will go but everyday I feel like I am losing a bit more of my mind
I was not sure what was real or not while in ICU I seemed to have an alternate life which was not possible but seemed so real and vivid, I have not slept well since, which is 4 and half years ago. The first 9 months once I woke no matter what the time was I had to get out of bed and leave the room.
It's weird how I can identify with the leaving the room thing... I'm exactly the same, I feel trapped and have to go elsewhere. I wonder why this is.
I can only think it is the bed that was/is the problem. I was not out of a bed for 40 days in hospital. I was set in a postion that was the best becuase of all the tubes and leads etc. I had in and on me. I even had tubes sutured to my skin to keep them in place.
Hi Mike
Yes I am a different person. Better I think. Don't loose my temper, love life, smell the roses and I am not afraid of dying. Every day is a blessing that I could have missed out on. My ICU experience seems to be making my family closer which I am very happy about.
although they done a great job on me when i was in ICU the drugs i am on (keppra 250mg) dont help, i am moody, dont want to see family etc, the tablets do the job they are supposed to do BUT the after effects are the problem
Yes, I do feel changed. Some good and some bad. Good because, after dying, I have no fear of death. I changed the course of my life and stopped including people and things that harmed me. I feel closer to God and feel that I love people in a more real way now. However, I am withdrawn and nervous when about large groups of people. Startle easily. Am more, if possible, hypervigulent in my work as a health care professional. Because I now know both sides of the bedpan. I have been diagnosised with PTSD and am working through it with counseling and support groups.
