Why does every 1 leave u?: - Headway
Why does every 1 leave u?
Hi Nick... This is a difficult question to answer as we an never know for sure what is going on with another person and when our friends start to drift away it is really hard not to see this as a personal rejection.
For the most part, although there are differences, we are all significantly changed by our brain injury. This changes the way we interact with others and the world in general. Our priorities shift as we devote all our energies into recovery and gaining the best options we can for our lives... but for those around us things stay the same. They still go to school, work or college, their interests remain the same, they still go out and do the things they always did...life goes on.
Sometimes they don't want to, or even mean to leave us behind, but when we are out of the loop for a long period as we try to rebuild our lives, there are subtle changes in the order of things and it just happens. Eventually it becomes that they have to consciously make time to visit with us...
and we are not the same. Our focus has changed.
At first I found it really hard when my friends started to drift away. In one case it felt like a real betrayal...I was hurt. My family were angry that my friends would desert me in my hour of need...because that was how they saw it.
I spoke with a couple of my friends some time later and was shocked at how upset that were at what had happened to me. They told me they were embarrassed that they didn't know what to say to me? They weren't sure if they should talk about their lives or avoid talking about things we used to enjoy together. They said they weren't sure about inviting me out because they knew I struggled with certain things and they did not want to add unnecessary pressure, they said they felt helpless and useless...
I still see some of them occasionally and we stop a while and say hello but to be honest my priorities have changed again and I'm not interested in work chatter or in talking about things that have nothing to do with me. I have moved on and left them behind too.
I was upset when they first drifted away, but as I started to fully appreciate my new reality I was glad they did not stick around out of duty...or worse still pity. I would hate the thought that coming to visit me was something they would dread or that including me in an outing or activity would take the fun out it because of arrangements of considerations that needed to be made.
People move away because of lots of reasons....and of course it hurts... but keeping the hurt inside and allowing resentment about this to build inside of us only harms us, not them. I hope you will be able to find a way to let all of this go and focus on the friends that you will make in the future...these will be friends who will get to know you and will stick around when they do because they want to.
Hang in there...it will get better. Not necessarily the same, but different can also be better.
Take care.
i can see what youare all saying my son has just started going through exacly this its hard there doesn't seem to be an answer
there seems to be no answer i agree with what your saying the one thing my son wants is friends but you can't make people be there
i am sorry to hear this the only words of encouragement i can give is their ignorance and their loss to survive a brain injury sure life does change but i have found ones friends who stayed loyal earned great respect from other unknown to me of how they have adjusted to my present disabilities the ones that didnt are shunned by true friends and those who know the truth in conclusion their loss due to their on ignorance keep strong and battle on pray a lot neil
This really isn't a contest and there is no prize for the right answer or for being closest. I think all any of us can do is share our own thoughts or experiences with Nick in the hope that something we say may be helpful in some way.
I think we are probably all in agreement that there is no one simple answer to this and to many other questions that arise after TBI.
Brain injury is so scary for us as survivors, but lets not forget just how scary it is for the people in our lives who feel so helpless as they are forced to stand by and witness our struggles.
It is hard enough for immediate family to get information and support, but friends and colleagues do not get access to any of this and yet are somehow expected to know how to handle it?
Hopefully better and wider communication about the issues surrounding brain injury will change attitudes and understanding, but until that day, when people just can't handle it maybe we shouldn't be surprised and we should simply accept the times we did enjoy with them and move on.
There is a very apt saying that it is very hard to move forward when you are always looking back...
thanks people but i dont really get to interact with other people to get new friends. my girlfriend also left me so am so alone which i hate. i live on my own also so dont get to meat people. i also dont think my head injury changed me that much i just cant talk and am in a wheelchair. Why is this so hard i hate it just think why me?
Nick do you WANT to interact with other people? I ask that question because there are times in our recovery when we perhaps prefer not to have to interact with new people...If this is something you are ready to go and do then there are groups and organisations out there - I am sure that if you made contact Headway UK they would be able to point you in the direction of your nearest group.
I also know that there are some groups around the country who specifically aim services at younger people- perhaps someone can point you in the direction of your nearest one.
As for the "why is it all so hard?" and the "why me?" ... We have all been through that... I will confess that at one point people kept telling me I was so lucky because I survived... I wanted to scream "define lucky..".because I certainly did not feel lucky.
This stuff IS really hard...unbearably so at times. Just reach out, there are people out there.
Take care and be kind to and gentle with yourself
I didnt want to meet people but i am ready to meet new people and try and make friends but not sure i know how
I think they are probably frightened and not able to face it. Both my mum and dad have had subarachnoid heammorages in the past year. My husband never went to see my mum when she was in hospital and has never discussed it with her since she has recovered. My dad has been in hospital for 5 months now and he hasn't visited once. He can't handle seeing the person he knew the way he is now. It makes me angry as I cannot bury my head in the sand nor would I want to. I do all I can to search for info so I can understand and it upsets me that others don't feel the same. My husband doesn't want to discuss it with me and that is some of the reason for me turning to Headway for info and support. I wish you all the luck in the world, well done on your recovery so far xxx
Hi nick_01,
Thank you for your question, and it's good to see the excellent support you have had from our members on here.
Do you know about the local services offered by Headway? We have a network of groups and branches around the UK and there may be one near you that can support you to meet new people and perhaps make new friends.
You can search our services at headway.org.uk/in-your-area... or if you post the town you live in on here we can give details of your local Headway.
Alternatively, you might like to call our helpline for support and information - we have a free phone number, 0808 800 2244 or you can email helpline@headway.org.uk.
Best wishes,
Headway.
dear nick
if you stay hidden away from the world,then you start to disapier
get yourself out there
just being on here is interaction
the more you can do the better is is
remember it is up to YOU and what YOU want
i shut the whole world out and now for me its time to get back on
enjoy
good luck
Something I had published some years ago. I hope it helps...
Acceptance: 10 Years On.
A message from a brain injury survivor
Anybody who is unlucky enough to suffer a brain injury, whether married, single, straight, gay, black or white eventually strives for just one thing, acceptance. That single element seems such a simple requirement and obvious condition and yet as time passes becomes more difficult to find.
Acceptance. What does it mean? After a brain injury it can take weeks, months, or years to accept the consequences, some people never do. However, to use a poor metaphor, when the battle is finally won, it is most definitely worth it. You wake up in the morning with a fresh outlook on life. You’ve probably never really noticed the birds singing before, oh sure you knew they were there, but they sung? Life is suddenly worth living. Through it all and very much in the forefront, is the overriding feeling that you are unwell, because hey a damaged brain does that to you.
In an awful lot of brain injuries, this dominant feeling of strain, of illness, is a powerful one. It is more than a part of life, it is life. Every morning can be an effort, tiredness is all prevailing and the memory of just simply feeling well is a pleasant one, if you can even remember. However, the outsider doesn’t see this; they see the shroud, the front, the veil that rarely lifts. After the acceptance has finally entered the thoughts and feelings of whoever may have survived a brain injury, it is then that they can begin to start smiling again. Through the tiredness, the pain, through whatever anguish that may have suffered since the accident, they just keep on smiling and why? Because they are alive, they possibly shouldn’t be and they damn well aren’t going to apologise for it!
There is however just one spanner to throw into this well oiled works. What could this problem be, surely there couldn’t be anything more difficult to cope with than your own health could there? Oh yes… Other people looking in. It’s so simple isn’t it, it really couldn’t be easier. Your family and friends will understand because they are close to you, they surely can’t fail to understand why you find it so difficult to function. All they have to do is listen to you and try to understand. But it doesn’t always work like that. Much like everything in life, the minority can spoil it.
You can never be the same person after a brain injury; it’s virtually impossible; no matter how remarkable the recovery there will always be both visible and invisible scars. However, after the acceptance the onlooker just sees the front, that cheerful veil that says, “I’m still here, and I’m going to enjoy every minute, but you may never know how dreadful I really feel!” All you want now, the only thing you want is acceptance from the people around you. If you’ve found it yourself, then is it really too much to ask? In a lot of circumstances it seems it is. People assume that veil is the real you, “He/she looks Ok, I’ve seen them out by themselves, there’s nothing wrong with them, they sound perfectly alright to me. They should be out working 9-5 now”.
It seems there’s a long way to go before acceptance and even understanding will be the norm for many people out there striving to live a happy brain injured life.
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