It all feels bad

[saville75]

As usual, I’ve posted very little until there’s lots going on so here I am. Sorry.

Here are the basics in summary.

• Eating less because of my gastric sleeve op

• Losing weight

• Eating less made me want to fill that space with something to make me happier

• Started drinking

• Getting NHS help for drinking

• With approach of new year, felt doom with suicidal thoughts

• Been referred to psychiatry NHS

• Still waiting for referral

Everything feels a bit unmanageable. I spent first 2 weeks of the year not doing school runs as don’t want to talk to parents at the school gates. I’ve now taken on taking my boy into school in the mornings, but I don’t want to pick up.

I want to write about this on my Instagram page (instagram.com/i_had_tbi_2008/), but my husband has said that I *mustn’t*. That if I do then potential employers will see it and they won’t employ me. What potential employers, I can’t even look at job adverts just now.

Does anyone have any advice, or anything that they’d like to respond about here please? Thank you.

[Painting-girl]

So very sorry to hear this.. The weight loss is good because weight is so associated with chronic health problems - although so is drinking of course. You seem to have accurately pinpointed that your weight gain was a troublesome symptom of wider problems. Also bear in mind that impulsivity and perseveration are a problem for many people with brain injuries - so it's not easy for you. Can you get to a private neuropsychologist who you get on with, but is strong enough to challenge you, while you wait for an NHS appointment?

[James1984]

I know having a brain injury makes me more sensitive to the effects of poor health, so I try to live with this in mind. Avoid drinking, unhealthy food, and too much stress. Regularly exercise and get enough sleep.

If you want to talk about your problems, don't air your dirty laundry on social media. Talk to Jesus Christ through regular prayer. He is always listening, He always cares. Don't lose hope!

[Graceissufficient]

You can safely unload here though...

[Leaf100]

Hi Saville,

You've a lot on your plate just now, sorry you are going through all this.

It's all you trying to cope somehow.

The drinking is a thing that really isn't good, the brain doesn't handle it like it did before. And, unfortunately the medical system can be pretty judgy about it.

I'm wondering if there is a particular reason you want to post a journal or description of your journey online? Are you hoping people may be more understanding? The truth of that is some will, and some won't.

If you are doing a journal, even simply just writing for the sake of writing, a journal that is kept private may be best. And perhaps even a separate log - a log being noting appointmnets, how you are feeling, what medications you try, etc - that can be really useful for your recovery.

The writing about personal thoughts and feelings can also be really useful for you to help find your way. I am with your hubby on this one though - best kept private because there are all sorts in the public space, and not all have them have kind intentions.

These can be kept by typing, if you can do that, or by writing, if you can do that. You may find different styles of pens easier to write with - I find ones that glide easily are better - like gel pens.

You are going through a lot, it's not easy. Do keep us posted here. We are cheering for you.

Leaf

[cat3]

I'm so sorry your struggles have escalated to such a critical point Lucy. Sadly, we each have such unique psychological traits that finding a way through is all too often a trial & error approach.

For me, the depression & angst only fully abated after my brain haemorrhage in 2011 ; pretty ironic considering the price.

Faster NHS responses would at least reduce some of the stress (my wait for surgery is 3 years this month). But, in the meantime, do you have any form of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication ? I know folk are divided on that issue, but SSRIs and Benzodiazepines have helped me through some dark places.

Is your GP helpful whilst you await a psychiatric consultation ?

Thinking of you m'love . . . . Cat. x

[catrabb1t]

Lucy, you have asked for thoughts and these are mine. Just thoughts, no real knowledge, but I wanted to reply because you've given us a clear idea of what you are struggling with and it is really hard for you.

I was thinking that perhaps the effects on your body and consequent messages to your brain after your gastric sleeve op have been much more difficult for you to tolerate, understand and manage with your brain injury. Perhaps people didn't understand how hard this would be. There should have been targeted post-op support for you to process all the changes. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I imagine any medical change to our bodies will take a lot of time to embed cognitively (longer than the average person) because of the physical and psychological changes the new surgery has given to you. I guess you were also trying to find a balance because your body's new expectations and drinking alcohol helped.

Does the gastric band limit the volume of fluids for you as well as food?

Your withdrawn mental state is a worry for you. I hope the psychiatric support helps - it should do.

You're in a vulnerable position now and whilst society is showing more transparency online by blogging experiences, it also brings problems for some people when their parenting skills (not able to go to the school) are in the spotlight. Or if they have mental health triggers that are difficult to handle. Remember you have to face the school gates and people can be judgemental and you might find it harder knowing they have read your thoughts at your most vulnerable time. I think your husband has decided that this type of personal info would be better not blogged about. I agree with his reasons. It's different blogging about it in the future when you have worked through your difficult times and reflect back (in a few years time).

Is there a dedicated HealthUnlocked forum on here or a private Facebook group where you can talk about this type of surgery to others who have had it? Even reading other peoples messages about their struggles post-op would be helpful for you.

Could you phone Headway and talk it through? They really are good.

You've been so brave and continue to be brave. Some dedicated support will make a big difference. Good luck. Keep in touch on here. xx