Joint mortgage and seperation with TBI partner

[Mykel1]

Hi I really need some advice where possible. I am sure those who have read my threads know that the relationship issues between my partner and I have been going on for time. Since being on the Zoladex, she has transformed into a narcissistic psychopath with no emotions apart from pure resentment and malice towards me. I stay clear of her most times because any small interaction causes an argument. We have discussed the options of her moving out which I thought she would be welcoming of because this is what she has spoken about quite a lot since being discharged. Talk of moving out had subsided before she went on the Zoladex but this increased since being on it. I called her bluff and asked her to get a place of her own. She point blank refused and said she will not leave because this is her house. The main complication is that we have a joint mortgage. I gave her 3 options a) she moves out and we transfer the mortgage into my name, b) I move out and she takes on the mortgage and the bills, c) we continue living together but we have to be civil to each other and she takes on half the bills and hslf the mortgage.

So just to put things into context. She is currently in receipt of around £2500 from her company insurance and this will stop in December. She has not paid anything into the mortgage. She does not help out financially in any way. At first I thought that the TBI had impacted her awareness of money but it turns out that she is saving her money for herself and the kids. Each time I ask her for money to help with an unforeseen bill, we have to get into a tussle. Last week i asked her for £20 to tie us down till i get paid. She looked me in the eye and said, this is on you. I am not helping you with anything, life is tough and this what happens when people are separated. Before the Zoladex, she would help out sometimes but with some reluctance. Since being on the Zoladx, she is adamant that she will not lift a finger. She said she wont pay because that’s why I have 2 jobs and I am here to pay. She says her contribution is to just be here. When I told her this was unacceptable, she told me to fuck off and said I was being a dik for asking her to help. My daughter heard this heated discussion and went send mum a really nasty message and then went onto delete mums number from her phone.

So regarding option a) she point blank refused and said she will not pay anything into the household. Option b she is more amenable with. At first she expected me to pay for the bills but we agreed that she would inherit all the costs. Option c) she said she will not lift a finger and it is untenable living here with her like this.

So I decided that maybe we could transfer the mortgage into her name. This way I walk away clean and she takes on everything. Maybe she needs to see the reality of how challenging things can actually be without there being a buffer. I thought of that decision purely out of frustration and my worry here is the kids. My son is almost 16 and in mums eyes, he is an angel and will never do wrong. My daughter on the other hand is 13 and they constantly get into arguments over the smallest of things. My partner hardly engages with the kids anymore as conversation is very superficial. I fear that my moving out will have a massive negative impact on daughter especially because she has turned to me a lot more over the last couple of years and we have become almost best of friends. I feel this is mainly due to mums absence while in hospital and also at home when she spends the entire day on her own. Since being on the Zoladex she often laughs hysterically to herself and often talks to herself as well. My partner lives in very unrealistic world where thinks she will easily get a job that can pay up to £3000 a month. I noticed recently that her writing and spelling and construction of sentences has deteriorated because she does not do anything, no exercise , no practicing writing nothing.

I honestly cannot think of how else we can move forward with this. Even if this is Zoladex, my partner has said way too many hurtful things for me to stay here. This resentment is part of her, somewhere in her subconscious i will always be the enemy. How will she be in 2 years time, 5 years, 10 years, probably much much worse. The thing I don’t understand is what she has this intense level of resentment towards me but I guess that question is like pealing an onion. I cannot move with the kids because this is their home. I am sure my daughter would prefer to live with me but I fear that my son will end up carrying everything in the house if he stays with her.

I also fear that if we start the process of transferring the mortgage into her name, they will look at how much she has paid so far. She hasn’t paid anything. She is not in full time employment but rather on this insurance package with will end in December. She probably has a substantial amount saved up I assume which I think she is counting on. I fear that if it comes about she is not in employment and has no further income after December, we could have both shot ourselves in the foot. I can continue carrying the mortgage as I am.

My other fear is that when the Zoladex leaves her system and she starts to get back to her senses, she might revert back to how she was when we were in a relationship. I fear I will get sucked back in and resume my responsibility as a partner and father but always fearful of when jekyll and Hyde will come out to play. The bottom line is that I nolonger want to be with her but I am stuck.

This is so complicated and I appreciate any guidance and support.

Thanks

[pinkvision]

If you are married you can apply for a divorce and the court will decide who gets what and come to an arrangement, they will also ask the kids what they want ie who they want to live with. If they want to live with you then you get to keep the house and the wife has to go; if they want to stay with your wife then she gets the house. No matter who gets the house both partners have to contribute to the upkeep of the house until the kids are over 18.

So even if your wife/ partner gets the house you don't get away scot free because you will have to still pay your fair share of the bill to maintain a roof over your children's head.

This happened to a friend of mine. In their case he moved out but had to keep paying half the mortgage etc. His wife wanted more from him and would have got it from the courts if he had not jacked his job in and became a mature student instead. But he still had to pay his fair share of the bills until his daughter was 18.

If you are not married or have not got a civil partnership it will be more complicated.

Go to the CAB or other agency that deals with these issues and get some advice.

[Mykel1 in reply to pinkvision]

Thank you for your reply. Just to amend the statement walk away clean. I meant that we would cut ties completely and she would take on some financial responsibility as opposed to having me pay for everything which was her initial intent.

We are not married which I believe will make things so much more complex. I think I will look into seeking advice about transfer of equity where the mortgage is transferred into her name. So far I've paid up to £30 000 while she's been saving her money so I'm not sure if that'll impact her application if we decide to go for that. In terms of transferring the mortgage to her name, will I still need to continue paying half of that or will be looking more at us splitting the bills etc

[pinkvision in reply to Mykel1]

As for paying the mortgage are you strictly joint, or is it on a first and second name basis? If you are the second name you can just stop paying because the bank will always hit on the first named person first. This means that if your partner is first name you can just stop paying because the responsibility will fall on your partner if she has equity. On the other hand if the first name has no equity the bank will chase after the second name on the mortgage contract.

If your partner is the first name just stop paying your share because if she has accumulated 30k then the bank will expect her to pay because she has the money.

If you are the first name you're screwed and because you have kids you can't get rid of your partner and what will probably happen is that you will have to get out of the house and pay everything as well. But if you leave your job and become a student you will only have to pay an agreed sum decided by mutual agreement or by the courts but only until your kids are 18.

Get some advice because what I am telling you is based on what happened to my friend and that was 20 years ago, the rules may have changed by now so go and get advice. Remember if you go down the solicitor route you will both end up in poverty, on the dole and living in a bedsit because of the legal fees.

[Leaf100]

Hi Mykel1

You are in a very tough situation and no doubt about that.

The best thing to do is see a lawyer. Cases are all different, and the law changes over time.

Write down everything in point form - how long you have been together, marital status, your ages, kids ages, income from all sources, her's and yours, assets, debts , etc.

Write down your questions in point form.

Lawyers charge by the hour and they can read faster than they can talk. Here you can do a meet and greet type thing, where they will give you a certain length of time for a nominal or no fee - and give you general info. This is so you can see if you can work together. You also can get more than one opinion this way.

I would also ask how you can find out what supports your wife is likely to get if she should remain disabled. You don't want to be in the spot that she is not applying for benefits because she is unaware of her limitations - this is not uncommon. You also will want to ask what you can do if she does not.

I would also document her medication if you can, take some logs about what is going on in the family - her mood, how the kids are doing, what chores do and don't get done, if she has an outburst how that looks and what she says. Likely best of course, if none of them know. Do be fair. You may need it at some point for medical help for her, or if things go bad, to discuss with a doctor - or, as a last resort, as a safety thing.

I don't want to scare you any with this next bit, it's just something I am aware that is necessary for some with brain injury, just for their own safety.

If you feel she may get violent , or you aren't sure, you may also want to go talk to the local police, so they know what they are walking in to if they get called. There are a few people at the society where I go who can't control their temper, and there is a program where, when their name comes up, so does a bit of an info file, so the police know how to approach safely, who to call - and don't put the person at risk because they understand the person has a brain injury and it isn't something else. It's also saved them some time in jail.

If you are wondering about the violence factor and the drug, discuss it with her pharmacist and her doctor - hopefully you still have permission to discuss her case. If not, you can still ask the generic question re the drug of a pharmacist. Her medical people should know. She may not be aware enough to tell them. (One would of course hope a medication change would settle things, but it's not up to you and you may not even be able to discuss this with medical people if she isn't willing.)

When in a tough situation you have to look after the mechanics and also the emotional, and that is difficult, to put it mildly. Still, you need the facts, the information, and to try to deal with it as best you can from a solution driven and emotionless mindset, hard as that may be.

For the law it's basically an accounting problem depending on circumstances. It's a financial nightmare no matter how you cut it. And it goes on til the kids hit a certain age. And yes, they do get to play pick a parent once they are a certain age, even though that's a really harsh thing to expect them to do - and they may not have the sense to pick the parent who is best for them in the long run - they may pick the one that gives them the most freedom, for example.

I can hear you trying to do your best to be fair.

And also that you just can't take it. And I get that, too.

As PinkV has said, look at it from the logical point of view and see what makes sense. Some couples here go on in the same house with divided accommodation because that's what they can manage financially. Even in that case, they know ahead who pays for what so the split that will come when the children hit an age, is known in advance and it keeps the issues down , as much as possible, anyway.

If you can find a lawyer who understands brain injury or who at least has some one who does personal injury cases in the same firm they can talk to, that will help. They are out there.

And, it's not uncommon. I think when I went to the bi society here they told me something like 95% of people end up getting divorced after one gets a bi. (It was a ridiculously high number, anyway.) Sometimes, with all the will in the world, there is only so much you can do.

Hope some of this helps - if it does , use it, if not, chuck it. It's a tough go and you can only do what you can do - no one outside can really understand.

Leaf