Following my dad’s fall at the beginning of March, he has been in ICU for two and a half weeks and is now being moved to a ward where we can visit.
What are your experiences of visiting someone in a coma? What kind of things do you do/say? What can I do/say that might be beneficial to him?
Hello, During visits you may find yourself naturally holding on to your dads hand and you will say how much you love him: it may be tearful, shock feeling looking at him, everything around him.
It was start of covid, lockdown and I talked what was happening outside. I talked very briefly about our children just said there needs are being met they are fine. I didn't get into how emotions were affecting us, I didn't want him to stress if he could hear me or understand. I only had 1hr and wasn't long enough, yet 10-15mins found myself just staring at him, stroking him, bringing reassurance I was there, was purely just trying to take it all in, like what the hell is actually happening type of moment.
I was on my own visiting with hour drive with clear motorway; have water or fizzy drink, sweets for energy, always money (change) for carpark.
Don't worry about what to say, you find yourself repeating yourself and it's always a blur. If questions about treatment, write down you want answers for, honestly you will forget when there as environment just overwhelming. I asked how his organs were reacting, as this is common issue, bloods, scans religiously done from hospital to monitor.
You may find after initial visit you will put photos together write who's in the photo, date and occasion it will help staff with communicating to him, I think I took 10 photos. If your Dad wore jewellery you will find it may not be on him, ask for items. My husband wedding ring took off and kept in safe, but at first had fright as they thought it was at other hospital due to being transferred luckily was in his ICU safe.
Its daunting, it's not pleasant it's horrible but just having the physical contact does help. With regards to recovery staff wont give answers you may not want to hear, they never say, it was always worst scenario like talking, walking, continence, cognitive issues. Were 12mths now and my husband exceeding in progress what was stated to me from hospital best he can but other elements like memory, fatigue, speech, behaviour ,word finding, hearing, still tackling and just learning on TBI is overwhelming.
All the best x
Thanks for your response! It’s so weird because my relationship with my dad is mostly sarcastic banter, I’m almost nervous to visit him! It feels like I won’t know how to fill an hour and I want to make sure I’m doing/saying things that might help him.
Researching TBI has been an outlet for me during this process so I think asking the nurses/doctors lots of questions about what is going on will be a good idea for me, thank you for that advice!
I’m not even sure if he was wearing his wedding ring or any jewellery when he fell! None of us have even considered this so thank you for mentioning this, I will ask them about that too.
A lot of what I hear on here is that loved ones tend to do better than doctors predict, I’m so pleased that your husband is recovering well and I wish you both all the best for his continued recovery! X
That's wonderful that you will be able to see him! I often wonder what I would have said had I been able to visit during that time. Talk about things you usually would. If you were talking on the phone or texting what would he ask you? Is he interested in current affairs? Can you read to him? Like Newbeginning says there will probably be things that you're trying to process for yourself. Physically being there for him may be all that you both need? The prolonged contact/hand holding? Will they allow a bit of quiet music? I feel like I may have asked you this before, sorry.
But fantastic that you will get to be with him ❤️
Yes music I downloaded his/our songs, gosh I sang to him for days I cant sing but I didn't care, he was just in my zone, whilst staff seeing to him, I just didn't care.x
My sister made a playlist of dad’s favourite songs on her old iPod as directed by my mum so we’re glad he’s been able to listen to that! My mum has been singing to him on zoom - it really is so important to not care about anything else when you have a loved one in this situation! Good on you, I bet he loved it!
I’m so sorry that you were not able to visit! As there are still COVID restrictions we have not been able to while he has been in ICU so it will have been 3 weeks for us.
We both love reading, I was considering taking something to read to him, and he used to put hand cream on while watching tv every night so I might take that to put on for him - hopefully that contact will be nice for him.
We did send an iPod into the hospital with some of his favourite music already so I’m pleased he’s been able to listen to that so far while we haven’t been able to see him!
Oh the hand cream is a brilliant idea! That's quite meaningful contact as well.🙂
Can't really add much more. Just want to say playing your dad's favourite tracks and telling him you're all waiting for his return & how missed he is, will come naturally once you've overcome any initial awkwardness.
Hearing the voices of loved ones (telling of everyday stuff or reading something he would normally identify with) together with hand massage is SO reassuring and calming, and can hopefully, gradually coax him back to you.
It'll likely cause strong emotion seeing your dad in those circumstances, but that's natural and no need to repress it. Best wishes for the visit m'love and let us know how it goes.... Cat x
I talked to my son about everything and anything, mentioned family names every day and what they were doing, even mentioned how the sister in.law still getting on my nerves lol what I was cooking for tea ,what was buying online, at the time I needed a new toilet seat lol jeez poor lad had to listen to me decide what colour and type, I only got an hour visit a day with him and literally just rabbits on , I did take hand cream with nurse permission and used to rub into his hands they seemed dry, good luck
Thanks for your response, I think talking normally is probably the best way to communicate with them, it’s just the shock of seeing him and being able to keep my cool to talk normally. Thanks for your advice!
The first few visits I kept the tears at bay almost, thank goodness for masks, but always had a good cry when outside after, I dont know why I cried, happiness I,d seen him? Helplessness at not being able to do anything? Sadness at the fact he was in a coma? Who knows, but I,m glad I cried to get it out of my system as blocking it in wouldn't have been too healthy for me, I wish you well I really do x
Yes I don’t want to cry while I’m there in case he hears and feels distress so it will probably hit me when I leave the room. Thank you for your well wishes xx
My son made a little photo album for me it's all about getting the familiarity back and jogging the memory so anything that was personal to him,my son brought my kindle I couldn't read it but it sat on the bed beside me every day as I used to read in bed and my son thinks it brought me comfort just having it,good luck with your visit and I'm so glad your dad's moving forward
That’s a lovely idea from your son, I will do that for when dad wakes up. Thank you for your well wishes x
Your welcome,fingers are crossed for you and dad
As one who has been ‘on the receiving end’ of people coming to see me in the Critical ICU, I suppose I am qualified to talk from experience. Some of my posts over the past three months have given such insights and I dont need to repeat them or the other great suggestions you are receiving.
Just remember that even though he will hear everything, he may perceive it differently. The brain fills in the missing bits from memories it can access, so he will likely have a different view of it all afterwards, but hey, just have your usual sarcastic banter with him. It will help you and he will be able to connect with that and the music.
And dont worry about feeling weird talking to him in that state. By the way, I was having a whale of a time whilst in my coma. Hopefully your Dad is too! 😉
Best
❤️
Info on induced coma please
Vegetative State Coma
Lockdown - care homes preventing us from seeing our loved ones - against human rights...
Was anyone else aware of things when in coma?
