Please can you help me understand? OH who has a brain injury suffers from ‘ melt downs’ occasionally.
Today with 2 good friends we walked to the pub with the dogs for a meal outside in the sunshine. Everyone looking forward to it. Lovely walk across to seaside pub. Sun shining.
Arrived and he didn’t like any of tables available. (There were many) table chosen was too near wasps. Next one was not in shade, next one indoors was uncomfortable . And so it went on.
One was found in a quiet place in the shade but now OH did nt like anything on the menu , threatened to go home on his own then sat alone not speaking.
We tryed all sorts of encouragement, offers of meal choices until he walked off again and sat on his own. Yes people looking at us now. He said he was going to shop opposite, to buy and eat a bag of crisps on his own. Fine but our friends were taking us out for lunch ..it was their treat.
Eventually joined us, had a shandy, chose a meal , enjoyed it, apologised. Said it was all too much for him earlier and he had no idea why he behaved that way. He could nt explain. Apologised to our friends who were lovely.He was absolutely fine on the walk home afterwards.
What is happening? Can I help in future? It seems to others just bad temper and a little frightening. Can anyone throw any light?
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Charente
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This rings a few personal bells Charente, but only up to a point. My tantrums were only uncontrollable if someone was unfair or unkind to me, and on such occasions I'd have a full blown meltdown with tears (don't normally do tears) and highly emotional gestures and language.
The worst example was at Tesco's pharmacy when the pharmacist lost my prescription claiming I hadn't handed it in. I knew I had because it was the whole purpose of my visiting the store so I was utterly hysterical and inconsolable. (Still makes me mad as hell 7 years on).
But in the situation you've described I might have felt uncomfortable through over-stimulus, but doubt I'd have shown it. I'd probably wait 'til I'd flopped at home saying something like 'Phew that was hard work !' There's often something too challenging about social events since the BI which would have previously been well within my comfort zone.
I wonder whether your husband is being offered too much choice and shown too much attention rather than his presence being on a par with everyone else's ? Do you think maybe he feels conspicuous...….causing him to adopt a dominant role ?
Just looking for an explanation but could be way off the mark ! …….. Cat x
Thankyou cat3 , you are I believe ‘spot on.....’ too much choice, too much attention ,conspicuous and maybe causing the adoption of dominant role. A lot to take in for me but I must think about this, sleep on it, maybe discuss when time is right, Thankyou cat 😘😘
Maybe continue with trial & error but, if your friends are clued up and understanding about brain injury and it's after-effects, then I'd say just keep on with occasional socialising without stretching to anything more demanding and by keeping the mood as matter of fact as possible for the present. 😏
I can relate to this, although I may have acted differently but only due to personality. Going out to dinner was a huge sensory overload, noise, lights, people talking, following conversation and having to partake. But also choices, where to sit, what to have to eat... all the things the brain does so naturally when in full working order. This would have tired me out a lot, still would to some extent now, 7 years after.
From my experience, dealing with the situation and the pressure of how normal it should be, with the expectation for me to be normal would exasperate the overwhelming feeling.
In giving encouragement and choices and decisions to be made and more people talking and more people looking at me.... ..... .... this would have been so overwhelming on top of everything else. Sometimes less choices, less stimulation and attention can work better for me.
I’m not sure how recent the brain injury is but the more I put myself in these situations, I was better able to cope with them. Although, it took years, not months, so be patient 😊
Hope this may help and try not to let it discourage you both going out with friends and enjoying walks/lunches together.
Sorry I’ve just read your bio and he had a brain haemorrhage, just like me. I had mine 2012, your husbands is so recent, so I can totally relate to this...
If you have any more questions, please ask and I will try my best to answer.
And I’d just like to say you are doing the right thing asking people and researching, as it can be difficult to relate to someone with a BI. I wish people had/would do that for me more.
Hi Erin, Thankyou. Again “ less choice, less stimulation, less attention “ is something for me to think about. Not sure how to deal with it yet but that may come. Your kind empathetic response made me cry, but in a good way.
Yes I feel confident it will all improve in time. Your husband's sah is fairly recent in the scheme of things. I was probably similar in the early days of being fussy where I sat and who I was with, etc. The brain becomes easily overwhelmed by choice, people and situations. Emotional lability (which was a major problem for me) is a common symptom of brain injury and this would account for his behaviour I'm sure. All our quirks and idiosyncrasies become exaggerated after a brain assault, but in time will settle down. He's just learning how to cope with an injured brain.
Sounds normal too me. That's why the last place on Earth I will ever be seen is anywhere serving alcohol, having a meltdown where there are people drinking could cause me major problems and I do not wish to get locked up. To much choice causes me huge issues and other people being nice matters not a jot. We all tried encouragement, these things will happen you must respect what he wants and not what the rest of you expect ( their treat matters not at all), his behaviors will be totally unreasonable but it's unfair to put him in these situations in the first place.
I disagree to an extent while we have to be mindful of our oh BI and vulnerabilities we have to try and enjoy activities that give us pleasure and totally avoiding difficult situations will become isolating for both the injured party and partner/caregiver, friendships are important.
Hi since SAH I have lost a little of holding back. Well a lot really lol ..not proud but I seem to say things louder and tell whoever needs telling, what I think !! Like hubby pushed my chair over a bump we know is there and I said "I told you to remember that bump" and he has been so loving to me. Then I dislike how I am. I've never been one for holding back and I would never say how I felt if someone hurt me before SAH. Now I am a mouthy moo with no holds barred. I do not like being like this but I have to get it off my chest or will cry and make myself ill holding it in. It is not meant so tell them it hurts or maybe that will cause more sulks. Going out for me is a joy and when it is spoilt like a women saying "huh people in wheelchairs" I want to aim my fist at her nose then remember" calm it Win" !! Never do as I saw her in next aisle and snorted at her lol xxxx hrumph and I sometimes wind myself up also xxxx Good luck we don't mean it xx it gets better with time and sometimes too many voices makes us upset as we cannot keep track XXXX
I can identify with this, Encephalitis 16 years ago has left me feeling overwhelmed in some situations and for seemingly little or no reason. The more attention that is drawn to it the more intense it tends to feel. At times it has helped to be given time to acclimatise to a situation, as something new gradually becomes more familiar it becomes less stressful.
It is so hard to explain because it feels irrational and is so frustrating for the person going through it themselves, it’s understandably confusing for those on the outside who really want to just help.
My husband is extremely reluctant to go anywhere that he’s not been before But cafes and restaurants are the worst
So I go on a f/b site that reviews local cafes and restaurants and every week we aim to go somewhere new that comes highly recommended, but it’s hard work sometimes persuading him to go He has in the past stood outside and sulked but he is getting Better nowadays x
I have huge sympathy for you as I go through this with my husband, in a similar way, very frequently. This happens when we have an argument and he goes crazy. Very exaggerated behaviour and then I get gawked at because it couldn't possibly be him! It drives me insane.
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