Reached the point of no return: My husban has... - Headway


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Reached the point of no return


My husban has complex PTSD as well as his ABi (which was the result of a heart attack 18 months ago). I have been trying to give him and us the 3 years the specialists said it would take for his personality and being to stabilize, and I thought I could get there. But 3 days ago he was made redundant (he has been back at work full time for 9 months) and within 12 hours of getting the money he went a bought a motor bike iwthout even telling me - he just left the receipt on the kitchen bench the night before he picked up the bike. We needed that money to try and survive until/if he can get another job, but he did not care about that. When I tried to talk to him about it he turned it on my (as he always does) and left (again as he always does - leaving me with no idea of when he will be home or even if he will be home). Unfortunately that has been the final straw for me. I cannot take the complete disregard for me, the complete disrespect for the family and the lack of care about anything outside him. I know he loves me and I love him so much. But I have told him that if there is any chance at all of our relationship surviving he needs to move out and we need to start dating again so see if we can get to know each other again and build a new us. He has the redundancy money (although I believe he will blow through it in about a month as his ptsd and abi leave him with no ability to manage money - which he will not acknowledge). I am at a point where I feel he needs to learn to stand on his own feet again - living by himself and looking after himself rather than relying on my to do everything shopping,cooking, cleaning etc... if he could hold down a full time job he can look after himself! I know that once he moves out we are over - there will not be any dating - he will not commit hiimself to it. I still have not stopped crying - this is all so far from what I hoped for. But he is so wound up in 'finding himself' he has admitted he has no space for me or us and will not create such a space as it is not important to him at the moment and he cannot tell me when he may be at a stage where he can or wants to. I know in my head this is the right thing to be doing (I have no iea how to explain it to my 2 boys - his step sons who love him soooo much) but my heart is breaking.

Sorry for the long post but this seems to one of the very few safe places fo rme to tell it how it is for me - thank you fo reading, Keg90

7 Replies

You are right, it is a safe place. Sometimes when there appears to be no answers, talking is the best thing to do. Often, it helps us to find our own solutions just by rationally putting together a post for the forum. Keep talking here and at least you know that you are not alone.

Keg, it seems you're in an impossible bind, and time apart might be the wisest course of action. Coping alone might provide the wake-up call your husband needs to remind him of the value of yourself and others.

It's true that we 'don't know what we've got 'til it's gone'.

I know your man is struggling with his deficits and demons but his treatment of you has been appalling, and you can't be expected to care for two children, hold down a job and all the domestic issues whilst suffering constant abuse.

Challenging your husband's behaviour with such severe measures might feel cruel, but you have a duty to yourself and your boys to start bringing some harmony and stability into your home again. It might be cathartic for you both to separate for while ; you to lick your wounds and enjoy some freedom from derision, and he to re-learn the importance of mutual respect

Hope you can reach a compromise soon which provides some respite for all of you...………. Cat xx.

Sometimes a person just has to do the right thing for themselves. It is empowering thing to do. It is hard but worthwhile. I sense that you know this too. If you know it is the best thing to do, then do it. M x

Good luck with whatever it is you decide to do👍🏻 x

Just so sorry and to tell you you are amazing . I have no answer as struggling with similar. It helps me to read and for my partner to read as he has similar issues but cannot see his own. It’s good to talk in confidence here. I hope things improve soon. I’m sure they will. 🤗🤗

I am so very sorry to read your post, it's heartbreaking and bewildering what can happen as a result of brain injury.

My husband aged 73 has autoimmune limbic encephalitis and is supposed to make a 90% recovery in 12-18 months. Meanwhile like your husband the illness is making him become selfish, angry, denying and blaming.

As in your situation he expects me to do everything whilst he pleases himself ,like a teenager.

We are living apart now and have been doing so for about 5 weeks. I am heartbroken as I don't think our relationship will recover, he seems to be turning away. We have grandchildren(step in his case) who adore him and he seems to be emotionally indifferent.

I write and tell you this in the hope that, painful and tragic as the story is, that you are not alone in your experience.

The effects of Brian injury in my experience are cruel and heartbreaking for families.

keg90 in reply to Desperatedinah

Thank you for sharing - yes, knowing I am not alone does help - as aweful as the situation is for you and me, an as horrible as it is that others are also going through this, at least knowing I have sisters in grief out there helps a lot

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