I feel like there’s no hope left

[gina14]

In February I had a plate fitted to replace the skull that had been removed after my accident. All was going well until 4 weeks later when I became very ill. I ended up in hospital and it was discovered my plate had become infected. I had to have it removed, which I was devastated about. It was then found out that the infection was Sepsis. I spent a further 2 weeks in hospital recovering. I’m now recovering at home. I’ve been put back 6 months. Physically I don’t feel too bad. It’s the emotional effect that’s worse. The hospital wants to put a new plate in, in a few months. I’m terrified the same thing will happen again. At the moment I’m at home unable to do very much as my headaches have returned. The slightest excursion brings them on. I feel trapped in a pointless existence. I’m questioning the actual point of my existence and I feel like I’m waiting to die. That when the next plate is in it will happen again and this time it will kill me. I came very close before. The sepsis was at a point where it was shutting everything in my body down. It’s such a good job I went to hospital when I did. Anyway I’m in an awful place, feeling like my life is over, I have no purpose and I’m just waiting for death to arrive. I can’t be positive, I’ve tried. This latest incident has taken all my confidence in the fact that I’ll recover and maybe have a life at all close to the one I had before. Each day is so hard to get through at the moment.

[cat3]

Firstly Gina, I'm sure that anyone would be brought down really low by such events as these. But you're here, looking for help which means you haven't entirely given up.

You've been SO unlucky with the plate m'love because a metal cranioplasty is considered far safer than a bone flap for preventing infection.

But I believe that, for a further fitting, hygiene will be high priority. The surgeon, who'll be aware of your history will, I'm sure, be hyper-vigilant this time around. Please try to think in terms of the countless successful cranioplasties and that next time yours will be one of them.

You've had rotten luck and are obviously deeply depressed, and anyone would be un-nerved at having to revisit the situation a second time. But your present life isn't satisfactory, that's clear, so maybe you have no choice but to let fate decide by giving the go-ahead for a repeat procedure.

Easy for me to talk, I know. But if it were a loved one of mine and they were struggling emotionally as you are, I'd suggest seeing their GP for a course of anti-anxiety meds, just until the op, to relieve the awful anxiety and allow them to move forward past this paralysing situation.

I truly hope you'll find your way through this dilemma Gina. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your GP in levelling your emotions, and please speak to your Neuro-consultant about your fears ; he/she may well offer the reassurance you need.

Sincere best wishes, Cat x

[gina14 in reply to cat3]

I am going to see my GP Cat. I’ve also been referred to see a psychologist so I hope it happens soon. I want to be positive but these events have just taken all my confidence x

[cat3 in reply to gina14]

You've made a brilliant start by verbalising your feelings Gina ; don't worry about the positivity so long as you can maintain the will to see this thing through !

Please keep the updates coming so we can continue talking with you m'love.

Message me anytime............... see you soon. xx 🌹

[gina14 in reply to cat3]

Thank you cat. X

[sealiphone]

I agree with cat3 you appear to need some help with your depression your GP may suggest meds, CBT or counselling.

[Kathykathy]

I am so sorry to read your story, and can identify with various aspects. AS I am repeatedly told by medics including today, I am lucky to be alive and in a rare group, but like you, I have questioned that stroke of luck, as every day is a big struggle. I am also told my time was not up, and clearly here as I still have things to achieve, and having the experiences I have had clearly some where in my future will use those in a positive way for others along their journey, which does not seem so bad to believe. As a non anxious, fretting, frightened person, it has been a real shock to find after brain injury I am now all of those big time, but one thing I have been doing every day often twice a day, especially to start the day and prior to night time sleep, gone onto u tube and listen to any amount of meditations, guided visualisations free on the internet to find they really help. I am facing things I have not been able to face, feeling more calm and positive and some days even found some motivation. I am not saying it's the salve to removing the issues, but has been a help and a positive which I hope could happen for you too. Another thing I do is to try and often fail, but keep trying, to live in the now, block the past and future, to take as much load off my brain to just get through the now moments. I also try to, on my pro active days, do something physical, take a rest, then something, mental then rest, etc through the day to spare as much energy as possible to make daily achievements in an exhausted mind and body, which gets over whemled. I work on damage limitations, does it need doing, does it need to be today, if I do this or that what will the cost be to me etc. For me, if I achieve something I acknowledge it and try to reward myself as every positive however small, or different to who I was is an achievement of mega proportions right now. I am trying to not compare who I used to be, but believe I am still vital and for everyone I make smile or have a positive impact on in their life, made my day worth living.

I know none of this stops your suffering, but I hope you feel comforted people care and understand the issues, and therefore enforces you are still vital too. X

[gina14 in reply to Kathykathy]

Thank you for your reply Kathy Kathy. How you describe was how I made myself be since my accident. The latest incident has taken all my confidence. I’m so scared it’s going to happen again.

[Mufc]

Yes gina 14 everyday is hard but your a fighter so fight through and imagine there is a future which you can be and want to be involved in😬. That’s how I get though each day.

Mufc

[gina14 in reply to Mufc]

You are right and I do want to believe that. I’m just so scared the same thing is going to happen again when I have my next cranioplasty.

[Mufc]

That unfortunately is life. None of us have a crystal ball. Surely it’s wirth taking the chance though.

[Woo777]

Good luck sweetie I’ve been so low so many times but it gets easier , after my bi I live with 2 Un ruptured annys but I do live and fight on and it does get better

[cej77]

Hi, I know exactly what you're going through. I had a plate put in and 10 days later didn't feel well, went to the hospital and was told I had an infection around the plate. I was admitted and had the plate removed that night. I was in hospital on intravenous antibiotics for 2 weeks because of the infection. I'd been told before the operation there was 10% chance of getting an infection and guess I just turned out to be one of the unlucky 10%. I had another plate put in 6 months later and I was really worried about the same thing happening again but I was fortunate that the second time everything went well and that was 18 months ago and no problems so far. I know it's scary to go through it all again but I'm glad I did. I feel safer walking around now knowing I haven't got a great hole in my skull with nothing protecting my brain. Hopefully the same will happen for you, there's no guarantees but think of the benefits when it works out. If I can help at all please ask x

[TaIaV]

Hi Gina, just a note checking in on how you are doing. It may be close to the time that that your hospital was thinking of putting in a new plate. I hope that you have been able to find some higher peace since you last wrote. Wishing you well,

Taia

[aaa2018]

Hi Gina How are you doing? ❤️

[gina14]

Hi everyone, sorry for my absence from here for so long. I think I’ve been absent from many things psychologically now for a long time. I’ve been living in some kind of strange place, that’s neither where I was or where I want to be. But I am still here. And I have had my second plate put in. That was done on 9th October 2018 and so far so good. Fingers crossed. Even now after all these months I’m still afraid somethings going to happen. I’m back at work. It’s hard and I get so so tired, but I’m managing it. I’m still finding it hard to accept the new me and the fact that the old me won’t be coming back. But I’m trying. I’m in a much better place than when I wrote the first post. I’ve still a way to go, but I am doing my best, and I will hopefully continue to do so. Thank you all for your concern and well wishes. I hope you are all doing well. Love Gina x