Advice or help please - unsociable behaviour - Headway

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Advice or help please - unsociable behaviour

Dian7
Dian7

My son suffered a hypoxic brain injury 10 months ago, I could do with some advice please as to how to handle a particular issue we are facing. He has started to urinate in our rear garden when he pops outside to smoke a cigarette; our garden is overlooked by many other houses. I always encourage him to go to the loo before he goes outside for his smoke, but within 5 minutes of going outside he starts to urinate on the lawn or flower pots, when I try to ask him to stop he refuses and is now becoming quite rude with it. Since leaving hospital (over 3 months ago) he has had some behavioural issues but he is adamant that he does not care whatever the consequences of his actions may be with regard to his urinating.

I fully understand that everyone’s injury and recovery is unique, but if anyone out there has gone through a similar experience I would gratefully appreciate some advice on how best to handle the situation

22 Replies
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Dian7
Dian7 in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your reply it seems he has no appetite or desire for any sort of reward scheme, he just keeps saying "I don't f@@@ing care "

My first thought is why's he choosing to do that and is his other behavior at the moment antisocial.

Personally I wouldn't be too concerned about the neighbors, my friends visit had him peeing in my grid, as he can't climb my stairs, He asked if I objected, my thoughts were if any neighbors takes offense why did they bother to watch. I'm unsure if your garden constitutes a public place.

His problem may be more to do with asserting control rather than the other issues involved, perhaps stepping back a bit may reduce the conflict and his need to rebel.

If his behavior to others is offensive I'd be concerned and probably be suggesting counselling but of course his saying no could be another way to rebel.

You can go to Headway group meetings as a carer and possibly find others who've had similar issues and Headway workers may know how to access support in your area.

Dian7
Dian7 in reply to sealiphone

Thank you for your comment a lot of what you are saying makes sense, we think he is rebelling and is looking for a reaction from us . As from tomorrow we will try and take a more relaxed approach and see what happens , I have explained to one lot of neighbours who are very understanding thank goodness, but I do worry about others that over look us and don't know us 😊

steve55
steve55 in reply to sealiphone

hes got a brain injury, like me until hes told he doesnt know hes doing it, god you talk shite!!!

He's blissfully free of social conditioning, like a child, I was like this in hospital, don't make a song and dance about it and perhaps he will grow out of it, as for the neighbors until someone makes a complaint how do you know exactly what they think, if they are aware of his BI perhaps they are more understanding than you realise. Just be thankful its not the front garden Dian.

Would you allow your son to sit/stand by an open window in his own room to smoke Dian ?

Dian7
Dian7 in reply to cat3

No way , we would be worried what he would do with the lighter behind closed door , since his injury he has been found playful with the lighter and as we are non smokers ourselves we ask him to leave the cigarettes and lighter outside , 😊

OK Dian, that's understandable. Just clutching at straws really.

Do you feel up to going round to the neighbours who're not familiar with your son's condition to explain what an intractable problem his behaviour is at present, and what a relief it would be for you if they'd be kind enough to ignore it ?

People can be really understanding and cooperative once they're in possession of the facts.

i have a brain injury and althouth my inappropriate behaviour is different to your sons, its something youre going to have to put up with.

my suggestion, get a letter from his gp and get a headway card, i call it a get out of jail card.

theres possibly other behaviours like noise intollerance, rudeness, dis like of crowds and social gatherings to name a

few.

youre in the right place if you want to find answers,

steve

Dian7
Dian7 in reply to steve55

Thank you Steve for your reply I will look into getting the card from headway or GP letter as I think I may need it , as he has now started urinating in public places he is stubborn and I can't stop him but it's like he forces himself to do a wee when I approach him to stop him he just tells me or his dad to Fxxxk off .

sealiphone
sealiphone in reply to Dian7

I think we're now in need of a Neuro-rab referral, as they help with such issues as anger management and inappropriate behavior, your son would need his GP to make a referral. Although from what you say he's probably not going to do that, the next best you go to the Headway group.

I can't imagine how stressful this must be, take care.

steve55
steve55 in reply to Dian7

i too was left with a speech impediment which i can only overcome if i speak slowly, which makes me sound stupid, or when i write or type because i have to concentrate on what im doing,

while youre at the gp with him, it wouldnt hurt to ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist and how longs it been since hes seen the neurologist? in the mean time all i can suggest is leave him alone and see if this behaviour stops.

dont go running to explain to your neighbours because to be perfectly honest unless theyve had a brain injury they wont understand.

steve x

Dian7
Dian7 in reply to steve55

Thank you for the good advice , he has an appointment to see his neurologist at the end of the month his last appointment was end of February any appointments he has he will only tolerate about 10 mins face to face with any of his therapists ,then he is wanting to go to the loo or leave the appointment . it is only 10 months and we understand things are still repairing and he does have good days and bad days and on the bad days we leave him be and on the good days he is keen to get up and do things so we just go with the flow and make the most of it .

steve55
steve55 in reply to Dian7

he and you have to learn to love the new person. your son is on a new journey and you have to try and accept the son you have now isnt the son you had before his tbi.

like most of us, your son has a short concentration span and no doubt suffers from fatigue.

remember this is a two way thing when you see the neurologist, when you explain about his behaviour and express any other concerns you may have.

steve x

Dian7
Dian7 in reply to steve55

Thank you Steve for your help and we are taking on board what you have said ,thank you , and we will let the neurologist know all his behaviour issues , we are learning about the new son we have and I agree it's a new journey we are on 😊

This might be a long shot but could he have a designated place where he can wee in the garden?? I always say to my husband (and boys!) he can pee by the compost bin but not on the flowers! I'm quite firm about this in a calm way.

"You can pee by the compost bin but that's it telling me to f*** off doesn't change this. It doesn'tmatter that you don't care i do and that is the place you can do it."

Dian7
Dian7 in reply to jodr

Any advice I will give it a go thank you , also he is spitting almost after each draw on his cigarette he was a non smoker before injury but about 4 weeks ago just said he was busting for a cigarette , his friends are shocked that he smokes but we are going with it x

jodr
jodr in reply to Dian7

It's crazy how someone's personality can change so much! My husband is different in so many ways now I hardly recognise him as the person he was. You are stronger than you know. Be firm and fair in what matters to you don't worry about the neighbours you are the important one your son needs you. It's our job to help them learn what is acceptable.

steve55
steve55 in reply to Dian7

smoking is one thing i would challenge. i wasnt aware he didnt smoke prior to his tbi and you dont smoke. have you tried asking him why after his injury he fe feels its necessary to smoke to smoke? after my abi i gave up smoking because that was part of the cause.

you could kill two birds with one stone in an attempt to a stop his inappropriate behaviour and b stop attempt to stop him from smoking and that would be to tell him he cant smoke in the garden and see what happens.

the smoking is something else you need to mention to the neurologist. so sit down and make a list of your concerns and questions youd like to ask and dont be fobbed off, be strong.

steve

Thank you for your kind words , and thank you to everyone who is contributing to my original post . He is so different now , I love him so much and just want to help him as much as I possibly can .

I'm not qualified, so this may be wrong but it's only 10 months now and his brain is still undergoing repair. My understanding it that behavior, which is lacking normal mitigation will be due to damaged connections, so there's still hope.

This changes nothing in terms of seeking a Nuropsychologist appointment.

Others please correct me if I'm wrong, as I'm no psychologist.

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