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Dealing with the "in-laws"

Right here goes, basically bf in hospital with hypoxic damage, making excellent recovery. However I am ready to really fall out with his parents. They barely visit, I go daily. after a conversation yesterday with them I get the feeling they want zero to support his rehab and it should all be done by medical staff even ones that don't exist. Frankly I just feel like there happy throwing money at me cause they don't want to be involved. Can't discuss this with them but we have a meeting on Tuesday at the hospital and I can't not be honest in it and I don't want it to look like we are so un-united. Anyone any tips for dealing with them?

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Is your bf able to communicate with you? If so, what does he want? Also you can't force someone else to change their level of caring, unfortunately. You however can choose your level of involvement, taking into account any limitations - legal or otherwise. Maybe you might want to propose something like this: I can see you guys are stressed out about your son and his care. How would you feel if I could do (and then let them know what you're willing to do) for him. Don't try to make them change, simply offer what you can do to make the situation better. You may be surprised at how they react to this in a positive way. Sometimes family member just cannot face what has happened and are reluctant to participate in the rehab and recovery of the person as it is too upsetting for them. You say they are just throwing money at you and maybe that is the only way they feel capable of participating. The mental emotional reactions people have to traumatic events sometimes doesn't make any rational sense. Please just do the best you can for him and you. I wish you all the best to figure this out. Craig

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Thank you you for this. I know they will never be like my family they don't have the same relationship but it's just I really don't want to come across as a divided unit when we go into this meeting... Can't have my own support there and have severe hang ups with nursing staff and his family so can't have any support in there, not my parents place either. Sorry for the rant thank you again for your support x

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A lot of family members don't know what to do and don't understand, some are just scared and can't cope, and sadly some are simply uncaring . Financial support is helpful so don't discount it. Give family a range of options in regard to how they can help, if you don't know exactly how they can help, just let them know you value their help so far and will let them know how they can help as you go along. The important thing is to keep them updated and involve. Some family members will not offer unless asked or invited. If you keep them updated at least they can't say they didn't know their help was needed. It's important that family know it's team work and not just the hospital jobs or one carer,partner , husband or wife. Getting use to asking for help and making family aware at the start of this journey will make things easier in the long run and give you an understanding of your support system hopeful it will be a strong one.

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sca2013's reply is brilliant!! Certainly any really bad event involving your child, regardless of age, is incredibly stressful, I know.

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solus spes what you see isnt what the family are probably feeling, but they dont want to admit to themselves how there family member could end up.

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... how are you ? let me understand it from your point of view first. It is an incredibly lonely place to be when the person who would support you through this is actually the person who is laying there, and the parents have each other for support in those meetings. I am sending positive vibes and understanding your way :-)

My in-laws did not deal with it well at all, but as sca2013 says it is their son and they are likely feeling totally helpless in this situation and their way to deal with it is somewhat denial. You on the other hand do not have a choice but to deal with it, and i often thought in my head "at least you've only got another 10 or so years to support your son like this ... I've got another 40 !"

it sounds like he is doing well, and you will be amazed at the neuroplasticity; i am coming 2.5 years down the line and i continue to be amazed by progress.

I would suggest that you ask the medical staff to support the parents and tell them the importance of the parents intervention at this early stage, and give them really practical things to do with their son. I found that my in-laws were better when they had a focussed task to do albeit it is so difficult doing basic reading and writing, speech etc with someone who was very capable only weeks before.

i would also suggest that you perhaps thank them for the financial support and suggest that once the NHS dries up that they could support private therapy to continue on the journey to be the best version of himself.

i hope this goes some way to help your thinking.

big hugs for the journey ahead xxx

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Im so sorry for your situation; mine is similar. It is surprising when retired folk won't step up for their kin. But you never know until your ask. I agree with openly inviting them to share the burden you have chosen. If they don't reply; repeat. I also agree with Northernmonkeygirl above...Good advice all round. Some people have to be hit over the head to get them to see they have a horse in the game. Sending hugs and a prayer you get some help.

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Hi .

A simple question. What was their relationship like pre bi.

Is it their way of coping.

All this does little to help you unfortunately. Do they feel uncomfortable seeing their son like this.

This may be brutal but for now do not waste strength and effort on them. You have enough worrying about your bf and his recovery.

You are not seeing the situation from the same angle as yet. Hopefully they will come to terms with what is happening and get on board with his recovery.

Failing finding a magic wand ( mines be out of commission for years now) their may be little else you can do.

Hopefully your bf will recover quickly to the point of being able to express his own views to help you.

Pax

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Thanks everyone I have taken the decision to try to not let it worry me. If my bf wanted to see them more than he does he would tell me. Also convinced he doesn't want them as carers for him after a chat today. Just the way they withdrew the minute he started to make progress they drastically dropped away too. Your all right I should focus on me and him and not them. So for now I will be the one with the colouring books and playing cards haha x thanks everyone x

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