Can't cope any more

[Lizum]

What do you do when you can't cope any more? I'm 14 months post injury and have had enough but can't see any end to the constant knocks and blows life is dealing me.

[Hidden]

Have you been back to your doctor? It is so hard when everything seems to go wrong. Have you tried counselling - sometimes talking about things with someone completely independent really helps put things in perspective.

Do remember you can come on here as often as you like and tell us more about what is happening in your life. You can bet that whatever you are feeling, others have been there too and can hopefully give you some tips about what to do and how to cope.

Don't give up, there is time for more improvement yet.

Take care

jan x

[CindyBurton10]

Hi Lizum,

I can only suggest talking and letting people know how you feel. If family /friends can listen and help great. If that is not an option try your doctor who should (with your insistence) help and advise you. It is difficult with doctors and it is often best to take someone who knows your history/difficulties with you. If you can't take someone with you write everything down before you go into the doctor then you won't forget. Don't be fobbed off by a GP they are there to help you. I had to see three different GP's in my practice before I got the help I desperately needed

If the options above are not helpful please post on this site. There is always someone to help/advise and point you in the right direction.

Please tell us what you can't cope with anymore...........

Take care

Joanne

[steve55]

lizum you say you cant cope and you cant see any end to the constant blows life is dealing you.

we all want everything sorted, ok ive had my bi, lets get back to normal, oh.........hang on a minute what is normal...........my life now isnt the way it was before my bi, i never used to be aggressive, angry, noise intollerant, act inappropriate upset people with the things that come out of my mout because my filters to stop myself have gone.

thats me and im 5yrs into mine,but i have friends with similar problems i met at a headways group, we discuss how things have been ( although most of us have seen each other in between meetings ).

give it a go and try some mindfulness meditation, i taught myself and it brilliant.

oh and sorry, should have said this right at the beginning welcome to the family and if at any time you need to let off steam, this is the place to doit, because were in the same boat.

steve

[moo196]

Hang on in there.....

Is there something small that you could do for the evening that might make things just ok for a few hours.

Sorry too tired to write more.....but be kind to yourself....

K

[Lizum]

Thanks for the replies so far. Lots of things are getting on top on me. It's a long post!

Work - I am the breadwinner for the family and my sick pay ran out 6mths ago. I've been trying to work a few hours a week but haven't managed a consistent schedule yet. I had an OH assessment in Feb but my employer has ignored their recommendations and I've had a written warning for my "performance" which effectively is my sickness. I got signed off after that, then a couple of weeks ago was signed off again but the GP put in the OH recommendations in the box on the fit Note. My boss had no-idea what to do so I've been told not to work until they can get an answer from HR - I'm still waiting.

I've been off work fully now for 6 weeks and no-one has asked how I am.

Home - my husband has just started a part-time job, changing from being the stay-at-home parent, to ease our financial situation. As he doesn't get hone until 6.30 and our son needs to eat by then, I've taken on cooking. My fatigue means I can't spend long doing it. I cooked pasta again today and my husband flipped because we had it yesterday (with a different sauce) and twice last week. I've failed at both work and home.

Friends/family - my friends are Facebook friends and even then I don't get comments if I post anything. My family live far away so I don't see them often and I can't drive that far any more (though the car failed it's MoT in Feb so we're now carless an my husband can't drive).

Health - my fatigue is getting me down plus the daily headaches and neck pain (and sometimes bad tinnitus which hurts like tonight).

I've been to the GP lots but there's no treatment or support for my condition (post concussion syndrome). I've attended a course via the local NHS mental health trust about living well with fatigue and pain. It's just not working today.

[Grapple5 in reply to Lizum]

Hi Lizum,

Sorry to hear you're having problems...the things you worry about are quite common I think, not that knowing this takes away the upset and anxiety. I personally know how you feel with being off work (I've been off for 10 months now) and the lack of contact from colleagues...the way I explain it is that initially when somebody is off work, the absence is initially noticed...eventually when you are hopefully back at work, I guarantee your colleagues will kick themselves and wonder where the time went. I'm not great at explaining things anymore but I guess I mean that just because nobody has contacted you, it doesn't mean nobody is thinking of you. I'm sure you are a valued member of your team.

Financially, have you thought about applying for benefits? There is ESA for when you stop being paid statutory sick pay. Did the accident/injury happen at work? If so, there is industrial injuries benefit...I think depending on your income there will be other benefits too. It takes a while and assessments and whatnot but is worth it if you're entitled to it and they provide backpay which is helpful.

Regarding your partner, I think it's difficult for both sides...my partner was completely placid before my injury but is now quite snappy and finds me annoying (I am quite annoying now to be fair!) ...I understand it can be difficult for him too. It can be a massive thing to get your head around for you and your family.

I can't remember which other points you raised but definitely don't be too hard on yourself...I'm sure you're doing better than you think 😊

[moo196 in reply to Lizum]

Quick reply....contact remploy today re work issues. They were invaluable help to me wrt talking to employers about my illness.

I only got two weeks of sick pay and hence went back far too early. Remploy stepped in and game employers a bit of talking to...and gave me lots of pointers, info, choices.....

Good luck

[Ghost-on-point]

Talk to your fellow online family here, is a Start & a journey we're All on. Might aswell talk to our fellow "passengers". We've All Lost something, some too much in what kept our souls warm.

[Julesgettingthere in reply to Ghost-on-point]

ditto that Ghost

x

[malalatete]

Hi Lizum

You have had a tough couple of years and things that you thought would improve and go away have not done, so it is no surprise that you feel that you can't take any more. But it is good that you have been able to say how you feel.

I bet if we were to jump in the Tardis and whizz back to 2015 you would tell me you probably wouldn't get through half the stuff you have been through. But we are resilient, adaptable creatures.

You have survived, you are adapting, but you are sad - where is the surprise in that? You are grieving for the loss of your old life, the old 'you' - and those losses are as big as the bereavement of a close family member and take time and help and support to get through.

But you will get through it. You will cope with this. You will come out the other side - you may be quite different when you do, because life has a habit of shaping us, but somewhere insider there will still be that core of what makes you, you.

Give yourself time to adapt, space to rest and recover, permission to grieve. You are like a stream when life has blown cold cold winds in your direction - you have frozen over. You must wait for the earth to turn a bit for the thaw to come and a little trickle to start you moving again. Don't try to pick that frozen water up and make it move like it used to or it will shatter.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself some TLC. This is your time of life to be slow, to be still, to take things one slow step at a time in the slow lane. Watch your footsteps and smile at the daisies and the ladybirds. Notice the new things you have to offer to the world around you - time, compassion, love, all things the world needs and that seem to be in short supply right now.

Ask for a referral to a neuropsychologist or for person centred counselling too, talking through grief always helps.

Take care and keep coming back to us. We know where you are at, we have been there. We will bring you out the other side x

[spartan300]

WELCOME TO THE CLUB

well i can say that from the start the doctors and others were of no help at all to me

i got vaccination damage which they had very little information about so when the results of my brain scan came very little was said except from me , i told you i was ill i said ,

so do not expect too much from your gp unless the doctor is exceptional ,you need to see a specialist , you do not say if you have seen one yet

i understand that things are going wrong that is the norm for most of us

love yourself have faith in yourself be strong do not let the b*!~: get you down

the first 5 years were not good for me but slowly i am getting stronger over 10 years now

and i am still fighting as most of us are

so here is a hug from john and take note of the advice from your friends on this forum

lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Pat-rick1]

Hi Lizum I'm 15 months post injury, and it's only the last few months that I personally realise that I'm not the same as before. Fatigue and crazy thoughts are my biggest hill to get over. The guys here are a great help✅

[Hidden]

I was like that .... still am on some occasions and its 50 years on now. In the beginning I was regularly sacked, taken up another job, sacked and so on. I have one friend, I don't relate well to others and my marriage is anything but happy at the moment [that is my fault, no one else].

BUT, I studied for my qualifications whilst in Recovery, I have lots of experience for 'work' and I now feel the blows and knocks as loneliness.

I wasted money with a private consultation only to be told what I already knew, 'Socially and Sexually Lonely.' So what do I do about it? 'My remit isn't to suggest a cure.' That really browned me off, I can tell you.

I try to let this returning feeling ride past; sometimes I get depressed and I wrongly hit the bottle. I fit but along with the depressions I will not take mind-bending medications.

I try not to feel sorry for myself but to be honest its a real bastard once in a while.

You will get better with time; your perceptions will sharpen and the way you deal with this sort of thing will change likewise.

You have only has 14 months of it; I've had 50 years and there'll be others who are likewise down the line with this.

Don't give up, try to move forward with something positive. My latest move is to leave alcohol alone.

I wish you every success but please be aware most facets of recovery take a very long time.

[peaches2]

Sorry to hear you feel so unwell with it all Lizum,

It does feel like an uphill struggle a lot of the time but we are still here to tell the tale, albeit a not so great tale. Try and not be so hard on yourself and what does it matter if you had pasta twice, if that's what you were able to do then so be it....I'm very lucky with my husband, he would just say thank you and eat whatever i cook. I understand that would upset you when you are already struggling but maybe try to have a calm chat with him about your feelings/fatigue etc?

Work are being hurtful, it's a horrible feeling thinking that nobody has been in touch, I feel the same about some family and friends, I'm the one that makes the effort yet I'm the one that needs the help. Maybe if you called one of your colleagues (a chosen one you feel comfortable with) you could explain to them how difficult things are and then it could all change....I know you feel why should you be the one but sometimes it's better to rise above it, not because we should be the one making the effort but because if it helps to ease and take away some of our pain and hurt then it's better to do it for ourselves! .... this can also be the case with the friends and family, although after trying several times with certain ones I gave up but it is def worth a try!

Make sure you get help, def go to your gp and ask to be referred to somebody you can speak to. Come on here and vent, we are all good at that and everybody knows where we are coming from on here!

For finance maybe you should ask for help from benefits, I don't know what you get as I don't get anything but it is worth a try, it's not your fault you're not as able as before, so try and find out what help you are entitled to....you can't be expected to live on buttons. Folk on here will tell you where to apply to.

Keep your chin up, it's hard somedays but we have no choice as the alternative is not an option!

All the best lovely!

xx

x

[Hidden]

Lots of replies I see but I would just add that I was like this for years before I went on anti=depressives (I call them Happy Pills). It is n invaluable shield or buffer between me and that awful desperation and I would not be here had I not gone on them...

However it takes time - the poor old GP has to start you somewhere and opts for a low medium dose of a drug with which they are experienced. Then after two weeks you can review how things are and any adjustment of the dose is done slowly. When you have experienced the 'shield' feeling it is easier! However we are all different and the best pill might not be the first. A pill cutter is invaluable to fine tune. Too low and the desperation slams back into you - too high and one doesn't give a damn about anything!

I had TBI in 1989 but only went on them in 2010 since my Mum died suddenly and have been on three types of pill. Now I am reducing though and one day may not need them (I hope). As moo196 said - be kind to yourself!

[deborah27]

you can! you have reached out to us! we are here, always. say more, spell it out and this space will support you. I have just found you all, so please be there for me too.