Leaving

Hello everyone - late one, but thought id jot it down now as i remember.

I was looking at Moo196 profile today as i saw a post in my email fom Healthunlocked: Moo you were talking about the breakup of your relationship (which sounds horrible, so sorry Moo).

Why i am posting is i noticed from the replies Moo got from her previous posts that there are a number of Bi people here who seem to have had their partner walk out on them after the condition/injury became apparent.

My partner (at the time) also left me - i wondered how many people here experienced this also whilst suffering the first realities of the Bi/Tbi ?

Its shocking human behavior that isnt it ?

Kindest regards

Jules

x

30 Replies

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  • I split from my first boyfriend due to head injury. He was next to me when car hit me so saw it all and thought I had died as I stopped breathing. We were together for about 4 years after, very destructive, terrible times and then finally we split up in 2000.

    I think the breakdown of that relationship was a massive part of my depression and has affected every relationship since. 20 years on and I can say now that I've moved from the area we lived in and have my son, I can finally put thoughts of him to rest. Wasted a lot of time crying over him I can tell you!

    it is awful but the change in our personality is too much for people I think. I only have 2 friends from before the RTA and new ones I've made have faded away... I feel stronger from it all but only recently. At the end of the day, we are all on our own and I know there's nothing much as bad can happen again!

  • Yes my closest friends that I saw regularly have walked out of my life, family siblings were none existent before anyway, still have a few 'friends' but they are the once a year Christmas card ones. Big friendship hole in my life now and terrible social skill problems/brain injury/anxiety mean I can only manage by isolating myself, so not making new ones.

  • plenty of friends here Strawberry - i am proud to know such a strong woman

    Jules

    x

  • Hi Aqua

    One of the most hurtful things for me was the loss of my feelings for my best mate.

    I am 51 and met her when we were both about 17 years old. We were so close. When i first met her after the crash i had nothing to say, 'pregnant pauses' i think its called. She calls in to see me once every few months (normally a birthday/Christmas) but i can tell she feels as awkward as me.

    Its odd isn't it that i feel so much more relaxed talking here to people i haven't ever/will never meet. I am so grateful this forum exists.

    Jules

    x

  • I feel the same! I have spoken more on this about things than I have to anyone I know!!! Maybe it's because there's no faces looking at us to make us worry- I get in a total panic talking to people.

    That is so sad about your friend. I had that with my friend who went under the car when I went through the air. I went completely off the rails after and ruined everything that was left of my life. Thankfully I've rebuilt a new life but I struggled for years. It's actually changed my life talking on here as I tried to forget about it all but something wasn't right inside of me. I didn't trust psychological professionals or even my GP ha!

  • Morning..... yeah, just when I needed him most (several song lyrics come to mind)'.''and "he" had the audacity to simply turn off to any phone calls/texts (when even my then employer got 2am "crazy" texts from me ) and "he" still hasn't apologised for calling me ...lets just say, rhymes with blunt...because I was "difficult to deal with" and "kept phoning him" (threatened to take me to court about this ....which aided my recovery no end...NOT).

    Now taunts me with calling me "Kylie" if we happen to see wach other(small village here) ...asin I can't get him outta my head....has No concept of what I went through to survive and how many things can't get out of your head when they happen alongside brain illness.

    I keep trying my best.... onwards....but recently told a gf that I wouldn't ecer, ever get involved romantically again (sorry guys, it's not about tarring all with the same brush, but honest to god self preservation).

    Sorry.....hope others were not treated so harshly.

    X

  • My ex now , I paid for I'm to get to Leeds to visit me a few times. The last time he came about 5pm and about 7pm he through a letter in my face and left cause a friend was outside to drive him back up to Newcastle. Never said anything, literally gave me the letter in my mums lounge with my mum and all there then turned and walked out,,',, what's what about. Partners are mean to us xxx

  • That was mean to you Candace

    How are things with you at the moment ? I am quite good today (sleep this afternoon helped).

    Jules

    x

  • Hi Hun, I'm ok today thanks. Been searching for a new car. My car was hit again just before Christmas. Don't know if I said. Was left in a right state but getting better now. Missed u xx

  • Hello again Candace

    Oh dear, history repeating.

    My husband had a motorcycle accident a couple years ago which sent my brain back to'scene of the crime' of my crash - so sorry to hear that Candace, i know what it does to your thoughts.

    I am ok the last week - hoping this will continue. Bit of a D Day coming up with therapy this Friday .... not able to think about it for some reason, complete block. The last hour or so started to get bit prickly with husband, enjoying being on the forum thou - relaxing talking to you.

    Jules

    x

  • Thank you for understanding, just got flash backs like you did, was horrid. I'm really glad you better and as for being short tempered with your husband don't worry cause he just a man and is probably used to wamon by now. They deserve it to keep them straight 😂😂😂xx

  • Oh as goes for therapy on Friday that's horrid, you must be getting further along, takes time though and I really hope it's working for you, luv ya xx

  • Yes, it is shocking behaviour to leave someone when they get a bi, but can I put the other side of it please. As the wife of a bi survivor I have been doing this for nearly 30 years.

    However much you love someone, it is exhausting and soul destroying to be the partner of someone with a bi. Many times I have wanted to pack my bag and just leave - the only reason I haven't done so is that I don't want my adult children to have to take on caring for their dad, they still have their lives in front of them and it would change things for them forever. Although he insists that he could manage perfectly well without me, he just couldn't live alone.

    My husband refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with him, everything that goes wrong is my fault and any mention of the fact that he has just lost his keys for the umpteenth time, forgotten where he is supposed to be going etc, is because I am always nagging. He could try a lot harder but why should he bother when he knows I will sort out all the problems he causes. If it is something he really wants to do, he manages reasonably well, just that he relies on me to sort out everything else.

    My life has almost stopped. I arrange to go out with friends and then he has one of his really bad days when he doesn't know what he is doing so, again, I cancel my arrangements. We cannot have the holidays we once had as he gets lost every time I take my eyes off him. We are now into our 70's and I can see things getting worse and worse, I'd sooner be dead than live the life we have now.

    I really do understand where you are all coming from and it is awful that your partners left you, but maybe you are better off without someone like that who might not support you in a crisis. Sometimes people just cannot cope with such difficulties, even though the bi was not your fault and you are obviously suffering problems yourselves because of it. Life can be very complicated sometimes.

    I am feeling very down at the moment as I would like some of my life back but it isn't going to happen.

    Jan

  • Jan. That sounds so difficult for you. How long ago did your husband get a BI and what was the cause? Only asking as from my experience, I was only concerned with myself for maybe 10 years and then totally understood our break-up and stopped my angry thoughts about the whole business. Now I feel sad that things didn't work out but it took me a long time to think about his situation. I also couldn't be on my own physically or I'd get lost for about 2 years after coma.

  • Hello Jan, Jules here.

    It took me maybe 2 years to realize something was wrong with me and a little longer to admit to others 'it might be my head'.

    It muct be tormenting for you when your husband doesnt/will not admit something is wrong - it looks like most of us here with Bi (i suppose all of us because we are on this site) know and admit it, which i guess makes a relationship easier .... might be very wrong, i dont know.

    Barrys comment was one i havent heard of before, hadnt really considered it. The very last thing on my mind with a Tbi and a man that had left me because of my injuries - was to look for another - ever.

    I was really lucky my husband came along when he did - god knows why he stays (he had a Tbi when he was young (another motorcycle crash) so maybe thats why.

    It is interesting hearing different sides of the fence isnt it.

    Reading your post and Barrys it got me thinking - is it a natural 'male thing' to try and deny a Bi (more than a woman) because they might not be thought of so highly , as in Barrys post - i was wondering if thats what your husband is doing - maybe he thinks people will think less of him as a man if he admits it. Which is obviously far from the truth Jan.

    Hope i dont upset anyone with this post - it is probably badly written, but with good intent.

    Is this forum used more by women I wonder.

    My husband didnt know me before the crash so he thinks thats means i should relax with him about how i am so different. But it doesnt work that way for me.

    As for the 'man' who left me, he wanted the previous girl he had met, not me and actually i can understand that - but as some others have akso said here - its about the timing - he should have made sure i was ok first. I view him as a coward.

    Will stop the essay now.

    Thanks for reading

    Jules

    x

  • Hi Jules and everyone,

    It must be so much easier for all you who accept that you have a bi. Life for my husband is so complicated as he gets in such a muddle over simple things and it causes problems with everyone. When someone is picking him up (now he cannot drive) he always realises just as they arrive that he needs the toilet, hasn't get his shoes on, can't find his keys. If he would accept it and get ready earlier it would be so easy, but he just says I am nagging if I try to suggest it.

    Not sure about the difference in the sexes when it comes to being with someone with a bi. Maybe something to do with nurturing? I think that having a relationship with someone who has an 'invisible' bi must be difficult in the beginning until you learn their limitations.

    How much I appreciate this site, it has been a lifeline for me after so many years of no help. You cannot burden friends with all your problems and they don't understand anyway. I know that anything I put on here will be accepted and understood the way it was meant, not as a criticism but as a fact. Thank you all so much and love and best wishes to you all.

  • I must be one of the lucky ones that are still married.

    Although we did separate for a while.

    I can understand from both sides the strain a bi puts on a relationship. As someone having survived a bi you become wrapped up in recover and lashing out after trying to adjust to the new you.

    On the other side your partner is trying to support you and deal with day to day lifr whilst libing with a stranger.

    A lot for any couple to coperform with.

    Just my observation and experience.

    Pax

  • I could've understood more if "he" had at least said goodbye respectfully and good luck....and not done all the nasty stuff since......I know "better off without him " . But at the time he was the one who knew me best (18 years obviously meant nothing to him ...nor all my help when he was ill).

  • With all due respect I think women have a lot more power when it comes to relationships and can easily find someone else despite a BI, whereas for a man to have a BI would be somewhat unacceptable for a woman. I don't mean to generalise but I believe this to be true.

  • Hmmm. Not sure I will bother trying that theory myself.... and wonder why you think this is the case ??

    having lost so much of "myself" and having to rebuild as much as possible alone, I am too concerned about losing everything again. I just about coped....but his timing couldn't have been worse. I just don't think I would cope if it happened again.... onwards with life anyway ....travel is my new companion ☺

  • Hey moo

    I used to travel a lot by myself - used to love the experience of accomplishment being in a place not many had been.

    I used to have an atlas on the wall and literally put a pin in where might be interesting and buy a 'Rough Guide' to get off beaten track info. I really miss that.

    Love

    Jules

    x

  • I know what you mean about being no longer able to explore like before.

    On the upside many once familiar places are now new to me. Also " of the beaten track " takes on a new meaning. A country lane or path although it may have been walked by others is new to me. I also appreciate the views more as I now stop for a rest more often.

    Every cloud has a silver lining......Although most clouds seem to just pour their contents over me.

    Pax

  • Not sure myself about gender being an issue.

    Think its more down to accepting the bi ( not an easy task) then finding someone who is willing to help carry your baggage.

    Yes we come with an array of issues but doesn't anyone. We are still capable of love so surely we are all capable of being loved.

    I know I am lucky to have an understanding partner. ....I would like to say we drift through life coping with life's upsets.....yep I would be lieing to that. Maybe my wife fell in love with the new me ( no accounting for taste) I wish I knew the secret...But I don't.

    Basically the only advice I could offer is try and be happy and don't just settle for things. If your relationship isn't working end it ...Hopefully amicaby. ..Be brave and try again. It is worth it.

    Keep on going

    Pax

  • Every long-term relationship I've had since RTA in 1996 (3) has been affected badly by my BI and the insecurities from having that. I don't agree every woman would find a man with a BI unacceptable because there is more to the person that the disability. And the disability makes them a stronger person. I'm sorry you believe it to be true, I only hope something happens to change your mind about that :)

  • I'm so sorry Moo and others about how you have been treated.

    I'm still married 35 years ish now... my difficulty is that I "present" ok most days and things like headaches and fatigue are pretty well invisible.

    I have a family in denial.

    My husband is convinced that there is not too much wrong with me most of the time.

    As do my adult children. Although they were children when i had my b.i. so probably don't remember me any other way.

    I am viewed as someone who gets a bit stressy can be a bit neurotic but can still be relied upon to sort any legal docs that turn up... ho hum

    As far as I am aware none of them (family) have ever tried to find out more about my b.i.

    In twenty odd years I've only ever had two family member accompanied visits to the neurologist. Once my husband told the neurologist i was fine, apart from a bit of epilepsy and the other my daughter did an impersonation of me having an absence episode. I prefer to do my own thing now on docs and medical stuff.

    I've lost touch with colleagues as i cant bear folks I used to know to to feel sorry for me and besides...a lot of time has passed by now also and we have moved a few times also.

    I don't go out much at all. If I had the courage I would quite like to live on my own, but life is complicated isn't it?

    I'm so sorry to read the cruel things that have gone on with members here.

    You are all good folks and I've found being here a great help . love to you all xx

  • Hi Nan, Jules here.

    Your post made me really sad -i have had family turn on me unjustly, but not (yet!) because/due to my Bi. They all at least acknowledge i can struggle.

    You are in good company here thou - there nearly always seems to be someone around on the forum, if you ever just want to chat about the weather it might help.

    I wish i could put things right for you - hopefully you will turn an unexpected corner soon and things will mend naturally.

    Sending love (and luck)

    jules

    x

  • Oh Jules that's so kind of you to reply, thanks ever so much.

    Lovely people here and real folks too behind the screens . Thanks for stretching your hand out there and walking alongside for a while.

    Lots of love to you and everyone xxx

  • 'walking alongside for a while' - that is a lovely way to describe talking to others here - i will recall that whenever i do from now on. Really nice.

    Peaceful nite to you nan

    Jules

    x

  • I am one of the lucky ones... my marriage is intact and my husband is my strongest supporter and cheerleader and encourages me in all that I do. He was (as was my Mum) pretty angry when some of the friends started to desert me but we had a talk about it and I asked him to forgive them because I certainly did. Its not their fault they can't handle what happened and if they can't cope with the new me then its best they aren't around any more to confuse things. Actually most of the people I associated with back then are living in an entirely different world to mine and we no longer have anything in common.... and to be perfectly frank I am no longer all that interested in their world either ;)

    My BI changed my world completely and it is now populated with people I love and who love me back. We may be a small circle but we are strong.

    I realise I am very lucky to have my husband stick around and put up with me...its not easy on him.... and I thank goodness I picked a good man to start with ;) BUT I realise I may be among the minority and my heart goes out to all who were treated badly or abandoned after their BI. The world can be a harsh place at times and humans aren't perfect.

  • Hello Iforget. jules here.

    I believe if i had met this man before the crash he would have stayed with me - in my case then i was probably with the wrong man to start with.

    I feel exactly the same with old friends leaving.

    Hope your day is a good en.

    Much love

    jules

    x

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